State Department Leaks: Sandy

The liberation continues.  We have what appears to be a snippet from the situation room regarding an environmental terrorist attack.  Very disturbing, if true.  However, I kind of suspect this may be a bit of propoganda someone sneaked into my  cache of papers.

Gore (projected on a big TV screen): You heard me exactly right.  Gaia called me as Her prophet, and I gave you Her word in Earth in the Balance, yet you would not unstop your ears.  Gaia spoke to me again, and I created the internet so Her word could spread throughout the globe, yet you turned your stiff neck upon Her.  Gaia spoke again, and I gave you Her word through the IPCC, yet you shredded Her word and used it to line your litter box.  We sent you Katrina, yet you would not turn aside from your wickedness.  Now is Her wrath kindled like a conflagration fueled by clean natural gas, and you will be as fowl in the windmills in the whirlwind.

Obama: But we gave you our offerings.  $90 billion invested in green energy, in Her name.  Electricity costs have necessarily skyrocketed, at Her command.  Planned Parenthood is striving to diminish the population, to please Her.

Gore: Yet still ye have robbed Her. It is not enough, and Her anger will not be turned away.  Her arms are stretched out against you.  If you will not embrace the way of the Luddite willingly, the way of the Luddite will be thrust upon you.  You will feel the wrath of Her carbon-free footprint upon your backs.  Her wrath has a name, and She has called it Sandy. And the land will not contain it.  It will lay a sodden swath across all 48 contiguous United States.

Obama: 55 states, you mean.

Gore: Silence! Your arrogance will be turned to weeping, and the pride of America to dust, an ensample to the world.  Much as it pains me to say it, this will not have a happy ending.

Obama: There must be some way to stop this madness.

Gore: There is one way.  To appease the merciful Gaia, you must purchase $4 trillion worth of carbon credits from my carbon trading company and mandate that all satellite and cable companies purchase the broadcast rights to CurrentTV.

Obama: Never.  We won’t give in to this environmental terrorism.  Islamic terrorism, maybe.  But not this kind of terrorism.  We can’t afford socialism AND $ 4 trillion in carbon credits.  Not with our credit rating.  Would Gaia accept a warehouse full of Volts?

Gore: Insolence.  Then Gaia is coming.  And She will huff and She will puff and She will blow America down.  Goodbye hope.  Goodbye change.  Goodbye my old friend.

Obama: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (The TV screen goes black) He's gone.  Quickly, we have to move fast.  Joe, get out from under the table, and for heaven’s sake, man, change your pants.

Biden: Yes, sir. I'm scared. What's happened to Al? He seemed so animated, almost real.

Obama: Al has gone insane. To reduce his carbon footprint he has been repeatedly holding his breath until he passes out.  His oxygen-starved brain has deteriorated.  He has become a menace, and the National Weather Service believes he has located George Bush's old weather control machine. He must be stopped, but he slipped up.  Now I know where he is.  I saw Snooki in the background.  He’s on the Jersey Shore. I have to stop him.

Biden: But that's Christie’s turf.  You know you're not welcome there.  He almost ate you alive during your last encounter. Just like he did to those teachers and union thugs.  It's too dangerous.

Obama: I have a couple of cases of Ding Dongs.  Bloomberg will be meeting me there with his stash of confiscated Big Gulps.  Christie will see reason. He must.

Biden: Sounds risky, but I will stand beside you.  Well, 5 or 6 paces behind you.

Obama: Sorry, Joe.  But you won't be with me this time.  We have to send you to Pennsylvania where your hot air will create a high pressure front to counteract the storm from the west.

Biden: But I already packed my water wings.  I want to ride in a helicopter too.

Obama: Do this for me, Joe. Pennsylvania needs you. It’s the only way. We have to save the people in those purple and blue states or all is lost. Hope and change will die. 

Biden: But I’m afraid.  What if I let you down?

Obama: I have faith in you.  You can stop this storm.  You can do it. Just don’t stop talking.  I don’t care what you say.  Just don’t stop talking.

Biden: I can do that.

Obama: Yes you can.  Yes you can.  Now forward, my brother.

Biden: Forward. 

Obama: Allah willing, I'll see you in Vegas when this is through. Forward, and win the future for me.  (Walks away, dialing cellphone) Michelle? Yes. It's Al.  Meet me at Air Force One, and don't forget our Wonder Twin Rings.  I'm gonna need a bucket of ice for my Scotch. It's gonna be a hard night.