If Obama were Honest...

...his announcement of the Iran nuclear deal would have gone something like this:

Rubio's Luxury Speedboat Scandal Grows

So, we all know Marco Rubio is running for President. Currently, he is a United States Senator from Florida. Miami is his home town.

This is what he looks like:
 

The New York Times, in keeping with their tradition of top-notch journalism, has informed us that Rubio used part of a book advance to buy a "luxury speedboat."

This is what his "luxury speedboat" looks like:


There is someone else, quite famous, also from Miami, who also has a VERY similar luxury speedboat.
That speedboat looks like this:

Who is that someone?

A Conversation on Race with Eric Holder

Since Attorney General Eric Holder is leaving his post as the head of the Department of Justice, we here at Nuking Politics thought it would be a great idea to catch up with him, as he transitions back to the private sector and maybe try to start up that National Conversation on Race that he has so often said that we need.

So we sent a few staff members to speak with him and the results were...well...about what you'd expect. Details follow. (In order to maintain staff anonymity, we went to great expense and hired a portraitist to do an artist's depiction of the NP staff members involved.)

Breaking News from Washington!

[Trigger Warning: The following news is shocking...SHOCKING I TELL YOU!!...and not for those not stout of heart. It may cause fainting in women and girlymen. ]


The Republican establishment in the House of Representatives has held fast and reelected John Boehner as Speaker.


I know, stunning, right?


In equally astounding news, there is a strong likelihood that the sun will rise tomorrow morning.


And in the east, no less.

You Can't Make This Up

So, this is a real thing:

A rocket fired from Gaza today fell short and crashed into UNRWA warehouses. Now there is a massive fire. pic.twitter.com/wHmMIuzATQ
— IDF (@IDFSpokesperson) July 12, 2014

UNRWA, in case you didn't know, is the United Nations ageny that provides aid and comfort to terroritss the Palestinians in Gaza.

So, your tax dollars went to fund that Agency that built a building to aid terrorists that the terrorists accidentally blew up and now will undoubtedly demand (aided by the "progressive" democRats in Congress) that you spend more of your tax dollars to rebuild so they can blow up more Jooz without having to worry about taking care of their human shields families that they are raising to blow up more Jooz.

And yet WE'RE the racists and anti-Semites.

Headline of the Day

Actual Headline: The White House is Exhausted
Yeah, screwing up the country this bad really takes it outta ya.

War Breaks Out in Georgia!

(WTH)ATLANTA - War broke out unexpectedly last night in Georgia during an Atlanta Braves game. The Braves were at bat with two out in the bottom of the fifth when suddenly rockets went up over the right field wall, setting alight the American Flag. As the horrified crowd ran for cover, the flag turned to ashes.

Details are still sketchy as to who exactly Georgia is at war with, but Congressman Hank Johnson (D-GA), in whose district the attack took place, was quick to release a statement. 

"I think we all will recall when Bush let Putin invade Georgia in 2008. Now, the Russians didn't make it quite this far back then, but what with them looking to take over Ukraine, we figure it's only a matter of time until he gets to us."

At a press conference, President Obama was quick to downplay a possible Russian invasion:

"Current intelligence is indicating this is not a Russian invas...uncontested entry. According to my National Security Advisor, this is most likely the result of either right-wing extremists or a really mean video on YouTube. Either way, we won't rest until we've brought the perpetrators to justice, or the public gets bored. Probably the latter.

Oddly, no one seems to have been hurt in the fighting, nor can anyone actually recall shots being fired, but Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) was quick to call for a ban on assault rifles.

"I think we need to find out what sort of weapons were or were not used in this attack and ban them all. It was probably assault rifles. It's always assault rifles. Assault rifles are scary.

Braves management could not be reached for comment.

Red Line Crossed: Administration Responds

(A.P.Y.L) Washington D.C. - Facing mounting evidence that the so-called "Red Line" has been crossed in Syria, indicating the use of chemical weapons by Syrian dictator Bashar Assad against his own people, the Obama administration had released a statement indicating exactly what the consequences of that action will be. Department of Homeland Security Undersecretary Roy G. Biv said, "Now that the red line has been crossed, we will take the appropriate action, which is to determine whether or not the red line has been crossed. If the evidence points to the fact that the red line has, in fact, been crossed, we will present that evidence to Congress and to the public to determine whether further evidence collection is warranted. If it is in fact warranted, then we will indeed collect it."

Further inquiry of Mr. Biv indicates that there are other lines that there are other lines that Assad had better not cross, lest there be more collection of evidence that lines have indeed been crossed. "We have an Orange Line, which would be the use of chemical weapons against women and children, a Yellow Line which would be the use of chemical weapons against his own troops, a Green Line, which would be the use of chemical weapons on troops of other nation, all the way up to a Violet Line, indicating a massive chemical attack by Syrian forces on a major U.S. city. which would of course, if crossed, require us to collect evidence supporting the fact that not only was the attack conducted by Syrian forces, but that it was, in fact, a major U.S. city. I mean, New York, okay, Chicago, okay, but then you get down to the questionable ones, like, 'Is Cleveland really a major city? Is Los Angeles, in fact, a U.S. city? Does anyone actually live in Detroit anymore? These are all factors for which we will need to gather evidence."

Why Does Kim Hate Us So?

It’s always been kind of a mystery to me why North Korea hates America so much.  I mean, that war was ages ago, and we nuked the Japanese, and they don’t even hate us too much anymore.  So I got my man in State to look into the secret archives and get the scoop on the real reasons Kim Jong Un wants us dead.  Here is what he discovered.

·         Obama’s dietary habits have distorted the market causing a steep rise in the price of dogmeat.

·         The President has gone on record regarding North Korea’s nuclear program saying, “Hey, I’m black.  Of course my missiles are bigger than yours”

·         Kim Jong Un is mad that Gangnam Style caught on in America, but his own Youtube dance video, Poofnam Style, only got 3 hits in the USA, and all three gave it thumbs down and comments full of frowny faces.

·         Kim Jong Un is still upset that his personal harem won’t give him the time of day since Rodman’s visit, and they have taken to calling him inchworm now.

Obama Applauds and Follows Example of Massachusetts Principal

AP – (Washington DC) – Following the lead of the ground breaking Ipswich Middle School Principal David Fabrizio who cancelled his school’s annual Honor’s Night because it might hurt the feelings of those who didn’t make the honor roll, President Obama has decided that in the name of fairness and equality he needs to reevaluate his Presidency and make some similar changes.

When asked for details, President Obama had this to say:

Breaking News: Amid Charges of Racism, Nuking Politics Proves the Allegations by Joining Sharpton in his Hatred of White Folks

AP- (Washington DC) - The Reverend Al Sharpton, unable to work his way into the news recently on account of the lull in the Zimmerman trial, expressed some concerns to the press that have been ‘weighing on his soul’ lately.  “I was dinin’ at the Smokehouse down on route 85 t’other day when this whitey was sittin’ in the booth behind me,” the Reverend said.  “Now this, and I couldn’t believe my ears, but this whitey placed his order and he said to the waitress, who was black by the way, he said to this waitress, now don’t be niggardly with the ice. Like I was saidin’, I couldn’t not believe what my ears was hearin’, and this in Barack’s America.  So’s I did one of those double takes and was gonna pop a verbal cap in ole whitey’s tuckus, but then I realized something.  There ain’t not nothing I can’t not say what would offend this whitey the way what that N word offends us African Americans. 

Kerry Reporting for Duty in Cairo

Secretary of State Kerry was met with violent protests during his trip to Egypt last week.  Don’t believe the press when they tell you it was just due to regular old anti-American sentiment.  My leak in State has learned some other things about the Kerry trip that are the real reasons for the protests against the new Secretary.

·         Kerry gifted President Morsi with a honey-baked ham and a case of bourbon.

·         When introduced to a local imam, Kerry exclaimed, “You’re not the real Santa,” and began tugging on the imam’s beard.

·         When he was awakened by the morning call to prayer, he cursed Allah and threw his shoe at the Muezzin in the minaret, screaming, “Don’t you know I have jet lag, you stupid twit?”

Grayson Proposes Suspending Florida

AP (Miami) – In the wake of several kindergarten students being suspended for making soap, fingers and even Pop Tarts into shapes resembling guns, Florida Representative Alan Grayson has decided that the school zero tolerance policies don’t do enough to solve the rampant problem of pretend gun violence.  Representative Grayson is proposing that the United States formally suspends the state of Florida until such time as the state no longer resembles a gun. 

Representative Grayson provided this rationale for his proposal.  He stated, “Ever since last month when my imaginary girlfriend left me for my imaginary friend, it became very clear to me that imaginary things can be very hurtful and traumatic, and I realized that the great state I represent looks like a giant firearm.  I can’t begin to imagine how traumatic and intimidating it is to all of the other states that have to deal with us.  We are a big, giant pretend gun constantly leveled at them.  Now that I’ve realized this, I am constantly afraid that I might accidentally do something that may cause the state to go off and pretend to harm the other innocent states, or, heaven forbid, the state misfires and I accidentally imagine killing myself.  I mean, I spent hours yesterday driving frantically around the pan handle just to reassure myself that the safety was on.  I never could find it.  I can’t even sleep at night.  And now, every time I see that gun nut Rubio looking at me, I can just tell he is imagining what it would be like to shoot me and grind me into his chorizo.  Our zero tolerance policy must be applied to this state.  I don’t know how, but we cannot rest until Florida no longer resembles a gun.”

Breaking News: Obama to Step Down as President

AP (Washington DC) – At a press conference early this morning, Barack Obama empathized with Pope Benedict’s desire to relinquish his position as Pope and formally announced his decision to run as Benedict’s replacement.  Later this week, he is planning to take a trip to Rome with his teleprompter to make his case to the papal conclave.

When asked what prompted him to make this decision, the President responded with the following: “My teleprompter prompted me to of course. (Paused for laughs). (There were no laughs). As I’ve reflected over my performance during my first term as America’s First Black President, I’ve come to the conclusion that you are not worthy of me.  At every turn my goals to transform America into a heaven on earth were thwarted by evil racists, and it has led me to a singular conclusion.  That conclusion is that my leadership style really doesn’t lend itself to compromising and working together.  I’d be much more effective as an unquestionable dictator.  And I'm really not comfortable with the idea of my reign ending before my death.  So  now that we've finished child-proofing the White House, I’ve decided it would be safe to leave this country in Joe’s capable hands and take my proper position as God’s right hand man and voice to the world where I can implement my, I mean His, divine program with impunity.”

The Problem With America

There we go now... One more time. Those stupid conservatives are at it again. They make me so angry sometimes. I mean look at THIS! In Colorado Springs a 6 year old boy who identifies herself as a girl is banned from using the girls bathroom. HOW DARE THEY! Sure he/she has a penis. So what though? This is about gender identity, and no one has a better grasp on gender identity than 6 year olds.

Now this poor child has rights, and one of those rights is to be paraded in front of cameras, in this case, clearly against her will. Look at her embarrassment and shock on her face as she struggles to get away from her father who is making the biggest deal in the world out of this.

This guy has moxie. He's taking a private matter, and clearly doing something that the child doesn't want. This is the problem with men (except for him, he's right on here), and with America today. We need to parade more children in front of camera's and put them in situations they don't want to be in to ensure that we all get equal rights.

(source)

Chuck Hagel Reporting for Duty

My man in State has been able to get his hands on some more sensitive insider material.  He has an advance copy of Chuck Hagel’s new plans for his tenure as Secretary of Defense.  Reading them is like reading the work of a genius tactician, if the genius tactician had been educated with the current public school curriculum.  Take a gander.

·         Declare the United States, its territories, its embassies and its bases gun-free zones, thereby ensuring no US casualties ever.

·         Modernize training of the US fighting force.  Teach them to avoid hand-to-hand combat by urinating, vomiting or telling the assailant they are menstruating.  Begging and capitulation may also be effective.

·         Incorporate Michelle Obama’s nutrition recommendations into the mess halls and MREs.

Sequestration is a Scary Word

The $85 billion federal budget cuts required by Obama’s sequestration plan will result in some very dire consequences. We must not allow these things to happen. Here are just some of the devastating consequences.

·         Biden will have to pay for his own hair plug maintenance and resort to home-whitening his teeth with Clorox.

·         Menendez will have to switch to cheaper, local escorts.

·         All federal employees will have their hours cut back to 30 hours to avoid Obamacare costs.

Secretary of State Kerry Reporting for Duty

Looks like my man in State has a new boss, but his leaks continue.  He made it into John Kerry’s office and, using the old pencil trick again, has discovered Kerry’s goals for the start of his new job as Secretary of State.  Here they are.  If you thought Hillary was a disaster, just you wait.

·         Report for duty.

·         Learn how to type, take dictation and make coffee.

·         Make a fake reset button for Putin.

·         Find Lactose the Intolerant’s mole in the State Department and destroy him, curse them both.

Breaking State of the Union Speech Scandal

AP – Unsettling charges have been leveled against President Obama following a close examination of his State of the Union address last night.  The results of the examination proved conclusively that the President lip-synched the entire address.  This has led many to question whether the President’s one vaunted skill, public speaking, isn’t a façade as well.

Beyonce was asked to comment and had this to say: “I feel so betrayed.  I originally voted for that man because of his stirring, hopeful rhetoric, but now I don’t know who I voted for. I don’t even know who that voice belongs to.”

Milli Vanilli had just one thing to say: “Impeach!”

The President tried to address the issue in a press conference this morning.  Harry Reid stood firmly by his side with his hand up the back of his shirt.  Every time the President tried to respond to questioning, Harry would say, “Now watch this.  He’ll answer while I drink this glass of water.” And the response was gurgly and unintelligible, so no insights were gleaned.

Following the press conference, Ron Paul had this to say about the incident: “What do you expect?  It’s been clear that Obama hasn’t ever had a clear grasp of the English language.  Nothing he has said has ever made a lick of sense.  If you want to communicate with him, I would suggest you try speaking in his native Kenyanese.”

Lastly, a forlorn and ashamed Chris Matthews admitted that he could tell the President’s lips were off pretty early on even in the first campaign, but he admittedly faked his tingles anyway. He was so ashamed.

Just Read The Link

Its funny, and its true, and it surprising that it came from Buzzfeed.comhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/bennyjohnson/things-democrats-would-have-freaked-out-about-if-bush-had-do