Reader Submission: Robert Heinlein

From our friend, jw:

"i'm asking a favor of all of you readers here at nuking politics. you don't know me, but most of you know of robert heinlein. perhaps he influenced you the way he did me. perhaps he hasn't influenced you yet, but -good news- he still might.

if you go here you will have the opportunity to vote Robert Anson Heinlein into the Hall of Famous Missourians. RAH is dead and he won't know. nor will his wife Virginia who died in 2003. so why vote? in a sense nothing happens. but some of us who were influenced by him get a chance to say "Thanks", nothing more than that. it is something to some of us, a chance rarely given."

Note from Anonymiss: So if you think Mr. Heinlein was brilliant, gifted or inspired...or perhaps he inspired you:  Go and vote :)

Reader Submission: School Pizza

From Anonymiss:

_______________

This printed note came home from school with my son.

Dear Families,
Our class has earned our 2nd quarter goal of a lunch-hour Pizza Party on next Friday, February 1st. Our teacher used this experience as a Math lesson, and we used the data to calculate our information.
Based on our calculations, my cost for the pizza is $2.50. (We rounded up)!
I will also need to bring a drink from home, but my teacher will bring everything else.
I can't wait for this lunch.  My teacher says it is some of the best pizza she has ever had, and the kids really love it!
I need to bring my $2.50 tomorrow. Yummy!
Thank you,
Love,
(Signed by my son)

So she offers a reward and then requires that I pay for it. Does this feel familiar to anybody else?

_______________

The only thing I wonder about is whether this adheres to Michelle Obama's school lunch regulations.

Guest Post: Why Nuking Politics is Racist

And now a guest post from the lovely Anonymiss:

Why NP is racist.

I don't know. You guys harp about how much you love diversity, but obviously, your love ends with walkingdead's chili beans. LOOK at the bloggers on this site!  I mean it's ridiculous. They are all the same person with different haircuts.  How can we expect a diversified, well-rounded display of political satire when it's all coming from essentially the same source?  I've been observing things around here for a while. Apparently, to be a blogger on this site, you have to meet certain "CRITERIA".  Of course, this is top-secret. So promise not to tell anybody. Ok?

Reader Submission: The Democrats vs The Washington Generals

Today we have another great piece by none other than Frogmouth:

The Democrats vs The Washington Generals

I know this is a humor-based blog but the hard fact, ladies and gentlemen, is that things have ceased to be funny. Recently, this country took another huge step on its path to becoming just another Socialist-run failure. Or worse. I know many of you are depressed and looking for answers, trying to place the blame for your loss. I've been a Chicago Cubs fan since I was six, and a Libertarian since before I even knew what that was. I know too well about losing. So feel free to take what I say about winning with as many grains of salt as you require to make it palatable. 

Link of the Reader Submission Of the Day?

This was sent to us by our loyal reader Anonymiss.  I don't know where it came from, I will link to the source if someone tells me.

then again maybe she drew it?

Enjoy

Reader Submission: Stress Relief for the Election Weary

[Here's a first submission from one of our readers, the lovely Anonymiss...]

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Stress Relief for the Election Weary

So the election is winding up.  We've had to sit through countless news reports and political ads and if I get another phone call from the NRA I'm going to shoot someone.  All of this pressure can really take its toll.

So what, do you ask, is a patriotic, but somewhat fed up American supposed to do???

I'm A Big Wuss: Reader submission

Reader submission.

From Anonymiss

Remember, all you have to do is write up your own post, email it to Nukingpolitics@gmail.com and you could be as famous as me!

It's really not that famous, but you know, its more famous than not posting for us.

_______________
  
I'm a Big Wuss

Ok, I'm the first to admit that I'm a wuss. I don't like sick. or scary. or gory. or violent.  I just don't. My thought? Why in the world would you choose to look at those kinds of things if you could choose good and happy instead? Horror movies? Abominable. Dissecting a worm? Bad idea. But I recognize that my level of tolerance for the dark things is decidedly below average. I am a self-aware wuss.

Redisplay of Controversial Photo Sparks Riots, Vandalism

This here is from Arik...


NEW YORK, NY (NPN) - After nearly a quarter century, the photo "Piss Christ" by Andres Serrano is still a source of controversy among fundamentalist Christians. The artwork, which is once again on display in Manhattan, has sparked rioting in cities around the world, as well as vandalism, including an attempt on  the photo itself.

In Manhattan streets, rioters made their way from the gallery on West 57th Street to Turtle Bay, where they stood in Dag Hammarskjold Plaza, waving signs and burning the flag of the United Nations. "Death to Azerbaijan!" shouted one protestor, while others called for the beheading of nonbelievers.

In Washington D.C. protestors stormed the Iranian embassy, calling for Irani President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to apologize for the content of the photo, which was created when the artist took a photo of a small plastic crucifix placed in a jar of his own urine. The Iranian ambassador was quickly moved to a safe house, where he was promptly discovered by rioters and beaten into submission.

The photo itself sustained damage when an group calling themselves "Jihadis for Jesus" ran into the gallery with cans of spray paint and began spraying them at the artwork. (Article continues below photo)

The "artwork" vandalized by radical Christians.

In Rome, Pope Benedict took the unprecedented step of issuing a fatwa on the artist. "Itsa outtarageous, thissa guy," said the Pope. " Makin a pitchur ofa da crucifix inna bottle ofa his owna peepee.  I wanna see da heada dis guy onna pole outsida my window. Also da heada dat Snooki chick. Dat puttana makesa da whole country of Italia look bad."

Elsewhere, masked protestors took a photograph of the artist, himself, and covered  it with human excrement. When asked about the picture, one of these men responded, "We actually had a bit of a disagreement about what to call it. It ended up being called 'Dung Artist,' you know, kind of named after his blasphemous garbage. Personally, I would have chosen, 'Portrait of the Artist as a Poopyhead.' In the end, it's all the same: It just let's this guy know  what a piece of crap he really is."

Andres Serrano puts on happy poo face.

The artist, who lives at 443 S. Walnut Ave, Riverside, CA, 92134, was arrested and taken by the Los Angeles County Sheriff Department to the county jail, at 566 34th St. NW, Palmdale, Ca, 90235. A spokesman for the department denied that the action was taken as a punitive measure for his blasphemous picture, but simply because he had a number of unpaid traffic citations. "Yeah, he's totally got, like, a bunch of speeding tickets, for going, like, 80 in a 75 zone, and, like, 28 in a school zone, so he, like, totally needed some jail time, dude," said Deputy Breeze Westerly.

Traffic scofflaw pays price for life in fast lane.

At Royal Oaks Country Club in Las Vegas, where he was attending a fundraiser, President Obama gave a prepared statement: "It's clear, from the events of recent days, that the outrageous actions require a swift and decisive response. Therefore, on behalf of the people of the United States, I apologize for these right wing extremists who, clinging bitterly to their guns and their religion, make our nation a less tolerant place. I particularly apologize to the people of the Middle East, who throughout their long and storied history have been not only the cradle of civilization, but a beacon of tolerance for all to follow. Now watch this putt."

Conservative spokesman Eric Matthews, who no one really has heard of or cares about, said, "I hate to say it, but this is the logical outcome of four years of appeasement and apologies. Christians are learning that they get short shrift from the administration unless they create havoc in the streets. When thuggery results in apologies to the thugs, the logical outcome is more thuggery. When bullying is rewarded, you get more bullies. That is the legacy the Obama administration will leave the nation. Also a runaway budget deficit and trillions of dollars more debt." Mr. Matthews then slunk off to whatever cesspool he crawled out of.

Can We Save Our Constitution? ~or~ Obama's Waterloo?

Reader Submission from Brycom52

And remember, if you have something to say, say it to us.  The link is off to the left.  you may become famous, or you may just become my latest attempt at plagiarism.

As some of the dust has settled around the riots in the Middle East last week, Obama administration apologists have made the rounds of the Sunday talk shows, doubling down on their position that the unrest and violence was caused by an obscure video about the Prophet Mohammed that virtually no one has claimed to have seen.

The administration’s statement regarding its reaction to the apology by our embassy in Cairo was both breathtaking in its hubris and alarming in its seeming naiveté.

As Andrew McCarthy wrote in National Review Online on Saturday, September 15, “You are to believe that the Obama White House exists in a galaxy separate from the Obama State Department, which itself inhabits a frontier distant and detached from the U.S. embassy in Cairo-except, one supposes for the $38,000 in taxpayer funds the embassy spent on Obama autobiographies, apparently thought to be craved by Egyptians, at least when they are not ever-so-moderately chanting “Obama, Obama, there are still one billion Osamas!”

U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Susan Rice, on Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace, (Sunday, September 16), still insists that the attacks were spontaneous events in reaction to the video, and that there was no coincidence or coordination concerning the eleventh anniversary of 9/11.

How long will it be before the Obama administration takes its cues from the Islamic Imams and the Arab nation government leaders to allow mob rule to overcome our First and Second Amendment rights? Mr. Obama is a Constitutional scholar, as well as a former Constitutional Law instructor at the University of Chicago. When he ignores the Constitution while writing Executive Orders, he knows exactly what he is doing.

Are we to see an “October Surprise” of Martial Law as demonstrations spin out of control, urged on by a seeming ham-fisted foreign policy by our erstwhile president? Or, was that the intention all along? Will this be the triggering event, no pun intended for the Department of Homeland Security to break out some of its newly-acquired cache of  750 million rounds of high-powered hollow point ammunition? Will this be the cause for the president to suspend the Constitution he loathes so much allowing him to send Congress packing, declare Martial Law and cancel the November elections? Is the Obama crowd really ready to stage a coup to keep themselves in power and complete a plan to enslave the American people? This idea has already crept into mainstream thought. After all, if you have already ignored and breached the Constitution in “little things” over and over, how large a step is it to totally abrogate the entire document?

God forbid! But events will unfold as they will.

Speaking of God, it is good to remind ourselves that He is still in control, and that the word FEAR breaks down to False Evidence Appearing Real. There is no need to fear, but there is reason to pray-for Peace, for the continued existence of God-ordained Freedom in the United States of America, and for God’s Will to be done!

(On a personal note, I am glad that a talent the caliber of Andrew McCarthy believes as I do-that his readers are capable of digesting a 72-word sentence without losing their place!)

Reader Submission: I Want a White President

From Frogmouth:

I want a white president.

There. I said it.

Of course, based on the treatment given to Allen West, Herman Cain and Condoleezza Rice et al, a black Republican would be okay, but better safe than sorry. And while it's setting the bar awfully low, I have no doubt any of them could do as good a job as Obama is doing.

It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I am not an Obama fan. Being from Chicago, I know what Chicago politicians are like. What Chicago politics are like. On top of all the other issues I have with Chicago Democrat Machine politicians in general, Obama is a White Sox fan. It's a Chicago thing. Jews and Muslims? Pffft! Hatfields and McCoys? Big Deal. Cubs fans/White Sox fans? Now THAT'S animosity.

I didn't like Mr. Obama as my representative in the Illinois Senate, even though (or maybe because) he didn't really do much besides vote "present". I didn't like him as a US Senator. For all his speechifying against Bush's policies while in the Illinois Senate, once he got into the US Senate he voted WITH the President an overwhelming majority of the time. Once he was given the nomination as the Democrat Party's candidate, I began trying to warn people about putting a Chicago politician in the highest office in the land. So I don't like him as President, either. Because, you know...racism.

I also didn't like Governor Rod Blagojevich...and he's a Cubs fan. I would speculate on the intricacies of Blago's attempted "I need to get paid" brokerage of the President-Elect's Senate seat, but I'd rather not get sued for libel, so you'll need to draw your own conclusions on who may have been co-conspirators in that little bit of Chicago quid pro quo.

So, here we have two different men whose politics I don't care for and yet if I criticize one of them it's racism. I don't get it. How is someone who treats everyone the same, based on their words and deeds acting out of racism? Bill Clinton, GHW Bush, Reagan, Carter, Ford, Nixon...I spoke negatively about them all. I even voted for a few of them. What's the one thing that they have in common? They all suffered the barbs of comedians, cartoonists and news media with no measurable outcry from that president's supporters. It comes with the job. Apparently only if you're white, though. If it's okay to speak negatively about a white President (even if you, yourself, aren't white), but not okay to posit the exact same criticisms of a black President, that's racism. Why is it acceptable to criticize persons only of the same ethnic makeup as oneself? The definition of racism is giving preference to one race over another. Telling a white man he can't criticize the President of the United States because he is a black man...is racism. I'm not even talking about using racial epithets such as were used extensively on Rice, Cain and others..."Uncle Tom" and "House Ni**a" being about the only ones I can mention in a family-friendly format. No, I'm talking about making fun of the 57 States remark. Or his mispronunciation of corpsman. Or his "Special Olympics" gaffe. And on and on and on.

Does anyone recall the glorious years between 2000 and 2008 when it was not only acceptable, it was de rigeur to criticize the man in the White House? Dissent, we were told, is patriotic. Or at least it WAS patriotic until some time in 2009. Around about the third week in January, as I recall. Never mind that you had disagreed with Bush's policies, if you complained about presidential policies after mid-January 2009 you were being not only UNpatriotic, you were a racist. And not only were his policies and actions as President subject to criticism and ridicule, but hateful things like calling him BusHitler or Chimpy or Shrubya were quite common and even acceptable. There was an animated cartoon series featuring unflattering characters based on the President and his Cabinet. Any slip of the tongue was fair game. Comedians and talk show hosts told Bush jokes with regularity. Some of them were even funny.

Anybody seen anything like that with our current President as its subject? Of course not. How many months were we into the Obama administration before you heard Leno or Letterman toss out a zinger? Because...racism! Regardless of their personal opinions of the President, it is their bread and butter to make fun of the man in the Oval Office. They held off as long as they could, indeed longer than they SHOULD HAVE done for fear of being branded racist.

Which is why I want to see a white guy back in the job. For the record, I dislike Romney only slightly less than I dislike Obama. He's not a Chicago machine hack or, as far as I know, a White Sox fan, so he gets a slight edge for that...but mostly I want him to win because if he gets the job, I'll be able to say "the President is an idiot" without it being labeled as hate speech. You just know the "Magic Underwear" meme is going to be a comedic gold mine.

Reader Submission: TelePrompTer® Made Me Say It…

From Brycom52:   A Candid Interview with the President of the United States.     Reporter #1. “Good morning, Mr. President. Thank you for visiting with us on the important topic of your communications with the American People, as well as the rest of the world.” The Prez. “Uh…just a moment..I still need to consult with my advisors to see how much of this will go on the record….uhhhh…okay, you may proceed with the questions, but, understand that I may be called away to supper at any moment!” Reporter #2. “As you were the time you left Prime Minister Netanyahu of Israel cooling his heels in the Outer Office while you went up to the Residence to dine with the First Lady and the girls?” The Prez. “Uhhhh, yeah, uh, I mean, yes…you don’t want to mess with Michelle when she’s in one of her moods! Wait, a minute, can we strike that? I mean, she’s gonna be really ticked when she sees this in print! Ya’ know, “If Momma ain’t happy…? Reporter #1. “ We follow the rules..Mr. President. The transcript will be referred to Jay Carney’s department before the final remarks are published. Now, down to issues. Soon after your Inaugeration, you embarked on a World Tour which the Media dubbed “The World Apology Tour.” Looking back, do you really think it was necessary to apologize to world leaders, most of whom hate us anyway, and in such a groveling manner? You were almost a supplicant! And the bowing? As you kissed their….rings?” The Prez. “Well, I had a prepared statement for that, but could I just tell you guys what really happened?” Reporter #2. “Oh, goody! An Exclusive!” The Prez. “Okay…here goes….uhhh, PrompTer® made me say it! Reporter#1. “C’mon, Mr. President! It’s just a machine! It can’t “make” you do or say anything!” Can it?” The Prez. “Shhh…it might hear you!” Actually, PrompTer® is a very important part of my Staff…right up there with the Chief of Staff!” Reporter #2. “Who is…?” The Prez. “Uhhh, actually, I forget! After Rahm left, this place has been a shambles. Actually, I think we left the Chief behind after our last Taxpayer funded Fund raising Junket, and he’s still trying to get a flight out!” Reporter#1. “So, back to the story at hand….you claim that you are held hostage to your TelePrompTer®…that you can’t say anything, or do anything without its permission? I thought somebody had to load the speeches into it!” The Prez. “You would think! But this model came equipped with all of my speeches and the dates to be delivered for the whole four years. You gotta believe me! I have been a prisoner here! One time, after I gave the speech where the Prompter crashed to the floor, after the guys picked it up…I swear this is true…I am not making this up…the next line said, “Don’t read the following…the next time this happens, you will not be able to go on a golf outing again!” Trust me, we made sure she never fell down again!” Reporter #2. “You say “she”…like it’s alive…” The Prez. “She IS, I tell you….it’s spooky. Sometimes they will have it sitting in front of the desk in the Oval, and it lights up, starts scrolling by itself, and actually asked me what happened after I was overheard spilling my guts to Medvedev in Paris! I almost fell off of my chair!” Reporter #1. “Well, that certainly would have explained a lot of the strange things that have gone on over here since you came into Office. Hmmm, so, the change of policy vis-à-vis Israel?” The Prez. “ That was her!” Reporter #2 “And all of these Executive Orders that couldn’t pass Constitutional muster with Felix Frankfurter, God rest his soul?” The Prez. “Her, too!. Hey, you guys ever see the Stephen King movie “Christine”? Reporter #1. “About the car? Are you trying to say that your TelePrompTer® is…possessed, Mr. President?” The Prez. “Shhhh, yeah…that’s it…that’s my Story and I’m sticking to it! One time, when I was giving the bust of Churchill back to the British and a bunch of worthless DVD’s to the Prime Minister, it was UNPLUGGED, and it was still lit up! Some of us here at the White House think she’s possessed by the spirit of Madeline Albright!” Reporter #1. “Uh, Mr. President…Madeline Albright is still alive!” Reporter #2. “ What about the Immigration policy on the 18-35 year-old Hispanics and the ending of work requirements for Welfare recipients?” The Prez. “No, those were mine. I have to leave some kind of legacy, don’t I?” Reporter#1. “Well, we certainly have a Scoop here today! I don’t know how much of this we can print, though…uhh, Mr. President, if this comes out, aren’t you going to be in a lot of trouble? I mean….” The Prez. “ Actually, no. We have loaned her out until after the election.” Reporter #2. “Loaned her? To whom?” The Prez. “Prime Minister Bashir Assad of Syria. He looked like he could use all the help he could get!” Reporter #1. But you just gave non-military aid to the Rebels, and it just got leaked…” The Prez. “Exactly! Reporter#1 and #2, simultaneously: “Thank you, Mr. President!”

Reader Submission: Mitt Romney and the Bowl of Spaghetti

Well, it's been a while since anyone has submitted something. I dunno why that is as I'm always asking for them. Don't be shy people...if you send me something and it's good, I will post it.

So here's a good one from Frogmouth. Enjoy:


Well, the 2012 Presidential Election is in full swing and the Obama Campaign, the DNC, and their lapdogs the old guard media, continue to trot out accusation after accusation, half-truths and yes, some actual facts about Mitt Romney to turn the undecided and  independent voters against him.

The only fly in the ointment is that for everything they say about Romney, anyone who pays any attention to the truth can counter with something equally damning...if not something worse... about Obama. Yet they continue to fling their strands of underdone spaghetti against the refrigerator door of the voters' opinions in hopes that something will stick.

Let's take them point by point.

First up, they tried to turn people against him by claiming Romney was a bully, based on some behavior from his teen years. Seems he had been a bit of an ass to a boy in school. Trouble is, Obama admitted to some bullying of his own. Of a girl. Ooopsie! I guess the person in charge of propagating that meme didn't read either of the books the President wrote about his favorite subject: himself.

Next up, they tried to get animal lovers up in arms when they leaked a story about how Romney had once strapped a dog crate (with the dog inside!) to the top of his car and drove the dog around like that. That one didn't last long for a couple of reasons. People with pickups drive around with their dogs in the back all the time and the dogs suffer no ill effects and...someone who actually READ Obama's books pointed out that he once ate dog meat. So...even though PETA gives the President a bye on his behavior, ostensibly due to cultural differences, those of us who think for ourselves want to know what's worse: putting a dog in a crate on the roof of a car or putting a dog in the oven?

As an aside, why is it okay for some folks to eat dog because it is culturally traditional for them, but PETA gets bent out of shape because people in THIS country eat beef or chicken (but not at Chick-Fil-A) or pork when that is OUR cultural tradition?

By this time, Romney had sewn up the Republican nomination so the accusations were coming at a Fast and Furious (heh) pace, so I hope you will forgive me if I miss any.

That Romney is one of the evil rich was an obvious go-to argument. But then, so are the Obamas. Next!

Romney accepts campaign donations from evil, rich white guys. Ditto Obama. Plus, Obama's not above figuratively shaking his paper cup on the off-ramp to get those two and fews. Heck, for the cost of a Venti Latte you can get in on a raffle to win a seat in the room where he and George Clooney are going to eat dinner together.

You have to donate big to get in on the party in the steam room after dinner, though. Or maybe that's just an unfounded rumor.

There was also some scandal about the Olympics in Salt Lake City that Romney was associated with. Too many of the wrong people won medals or something. To tell the truth, I didn't even pay that much attention to this one. Being from Chicago myself, I remember when the SITTING PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES went to the Olympic Committee (newly minted Nobel Prize in hand) to sell them on Chicago as a venue because, hey...he's  from there and how cool would it be for your little Olympic Games to be associated with his awesomeness? Anyone recall how that worked out? Anyone?

Hey! Romney is a Mormon! They're so weird even other Christians think they have screws loose. But...Jeremiah Wright, anyone? That the President spent twenty years going to this man's church, but never heard any of his hate-filled invective more than strains credibility, it downright pops it at the seams. For what it's worth, I don't believe Obama to be religious at all. In any faith. Being an Atheist myself, I can relate to that. It's one of the very few things about him I can relate to. That he falsely claims a faith he does not have makes him a  politician. "I believe that you believe that I believe what you believe. So vote for me.".
 
That he ended up in Wright's church at all can be explained by the assumption that Michelle (who admits to having no pride in the country that provided her with an Ivy League education) browbeat him into going. After a brief period, he came to the conclusion that it wasn't fun and/or wouldn't advance his career, so he stopped going. Mere conjecture on my part, but it seems a logical conclusion.

So...let's see...oh! I know! Romney "outsourced" jobs to other countries when he was running some businesses. Obama definitely has the edge on this point. Of all the businesses he's created or run, he has sent not one single job out of the country.

Romney's wife spends an obscene amount of money doing weird stuff that only rich, white people understand? Well, yeah...but it's HER money. Michelle spends equally outrageous sums of money taking extravagant vacations or buying expensive clothes or...well the list goes on. The subtle difference being WE, the taxpaying public, are paying for her  extravagances.

And finally, just this week, the new narrative is that Romney is a wimp. Too big a wimp to be President.

This one boggles the mind of any thinking, rational human being. Wasn't it just a few months ago they were complaing he was a bully? Now he's a wimp? I guess his position has "evolved", but wait...Republicans don't evolve. They are knuckle-dragging Neanderthals who
oppose...well, everything really.

And even if Romney were indeed a wimp, do you really want to do a side-by-side manliness comparison with Barack Obama? Oooh, girl...don't go there!

The closer we get to November, the more vile the accusations are likely to be. And as long as Romney continues to brush them aside while focusing on Obama's record, actions and words (You didn't build that!) I don't see how he can lose. For the record, I am not a Romney fan, and voting for the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil, but Obama is a proven failure as a President. And to quote Mae West: "When forced to choose between two evils, I always choose the one I haven't tried before".

Reader Submission: Why Johnny Can't Fish

From brycom52:

Why Johnny Can't Read 

 (oh, no...that's not it...lemme see...oh, yeah...)

Why Johnny Can't Fish!
 
"Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will eat for a lifetime!"
 
We could "teach a man to fish", but, first of all, we have to fill out Federal Form 3462(D), Application for Federal Fishing License, in triplicate, forward Copy One to the Federal Bureau of Fisheries and Hatcheries, Copy Two to the Bureau of Land Management, and Copy Three to the State Department of Natural Resources. 

We then get HUD to certify that the person in question does not: 
(1) already know how to fish 
(2) has not gone through a program teaching how to:
      (a) crab
      (b) harvest lobster
      (c) dive for clams

This process can take up to 45 days, but can be expedited if you can get an authorized representative of Health and Human Services to file a Notarized Affidavit with the Justice Department that the potential Trainee has not been in a Federal Program for job training with the following: Fresh Start, Americorps, (pronounced Ah-mare-ah-corpse!), or any other program from the Federal Bureau of Prisons.

You then apply for a grant from a non-profit Foundation to purchase fishing equipment, including a 32 foot trawler at $1.2 million, nets at $450,000, (used), and a permit to buy Diesel from the Department of Energy. 

The proposed trainee then must set up a non-profit entity of his own and apply to the IRS for an EIN. After obtaining this number, he takes his corporate resolution papers to a savings bank and opens up an FDIC protected checking account. Then, certifying a check for $50, 000, he goes to the United Nations and gets a Law of the Sea Treaty waiver.

One last thing: he MUST get a "Mercury Free" Certificate from the EPA. Now he is in business.

Of course, he died of starvation while waiting for his HUD certificate, but it's okay...he was a Vet, and his survivors get $250.00 from the VA to assist with his burial expenses!
 
"Oh, Brave, New World!"

Reader Submission: If National Politics were Played Like a Baseball Game

From brycom52:

If National Politics Were Played Like a Baseball Game

 

I started watching my favorite baseball team, the Detroit Tigers play The Kansas City Royals, and it started the creative juices flowing. I have been a fan of the Tigers since I was nine years old, so, I have followed baseball for over fifty years. I started thinking, how would baseball be different if it were played by our national politicians? This is what I think would happen. I hope you will add your own ideas.

 

Democrats versus Republicans

 

Offense: Republicans must start each inning with one out and two strikes on each batter; Dems start with no outs and a man on second. Dems get a walk after three balls, Repubs after five.

 

Defense: Republican outfielders must position themselves no more than sixty feet behind the infield. Dems may play anywhere they want. Dems will have a Union Rep stationed alongside each umpire. If a call goes against them, the Rep may overrule the call.

 

If the temperature at game time is in excess of 95 degrees, no matter the venue, the game is called a 9-0 win for the Dems due to Global Warming.

 

If a Dem batter accidentally hits a seagull in fair territory, he is granted a Ground Rule Double. If the same thing happens to a Republican, he is fined $250,000 by the Environmental Protection Agency and is automatically out!

 

No matter which team is hosting the game, the Dems get 75% of the proceeds.

 

Announcers for the game are chosen by the Dems for the first eight innings from a pool supplied by ABC, NBC, CBS, MSNBC, CNN and ESPN. The Republicans may employ announcers from Fox Sports for the ninth inning, only.

 

If a game reaches the ninth inning with the Dems behind, the Republicans are required to keep playing the game until the Dems win.

 

Miscellaneous: 

Dems are allowed to charge the Republicans extra to keep the lights on for a night game.

 

When the All Star game rolls around, only Dems are allowed to count the votes.

 

Off-field behavior: 

If a Dem player is caught in a scandal or commits a felony outside the ball park, he is punished with negative publicity. 

 

If a Republican player does something that the Dems consider questionable or hypocritical, he is pilloried by the Press, and drummed out of the League!

 

PLAY BALL!

Reader Submission: Wash, Rinse, Repeat, Marginalize

From Walkingdead:

Wash rinse repeat marginalize

Recently Darth Vader sat down with Dr. Cornel West, and hilarity ensued when Mr. Vader told a story about his grandmother and how she taught him how to be racist. Because of this knowledge, the Darthster knows how racist the tea party is. If you don’t believe me, check the video out here.

Why is it in politics all you need to do to make something true is repeat it until you marginalize it enough, and other people believe it? I’ve stated several times that I’m rich and powerful. I can buy and sell you 200 times over. However, when I try and get a bank loan I’m told that my credit rating is somewhere between the country of Greece, and a 22 year old stripper. Why wont this work in the real world?

Obama goes out side every day, and before he picks up the morning news paper and yells at that blond haired Dennis kid to get off his lawn, he tries to have a simple conversation with America; he wants to be clear. Letting the tax cuts for the wealthy expire is just a question of fairness. 

I guess I can understand fairness, I mean that 3% would add about 85 billion a year to the federal coffers. That sure does sound like a lot until you realize Obama spent more than that on greens fees this year. 

I don’t have a problem with tax fairness though; I do have a problem with people using the rich, or the poor as a political football. I remember bringing up class warfare to a liberal friend of mine, and she called that phrase tired and worn out. I didn’t know what to say, because as tired and warn out as it may be, it didn’t make it less true. So from now I’ve decided to call class warfare "multi-tiered punch-kicking". It probably doesn’t have the same ring, but it gets the point across.

This argument just proved my point though, in a round about way. If you marginalize something enough, people believe it, or conversely they tend to get tired of hearing it and give in. That’s why I’m going to start talking to girls who I probably never would. The way I look at it, they can’t all say no, and they can’t all file a restraining order against me.

So let me ask you, what are you tired of in regards to marginalizing political arguments?

Reader Submission: Disney World Peace

From Scatbug:

Disney World Peace

In an unexpected and startling development, the Wonderful World of Disney may provide the long-sought impetus for peace on the Korean Peninsula:

North Korea TV shows Mickey Mouse, Winnie the Pooh

While foreign policy experts have yet to determine the reasons for Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un’s dramatic shift, they are encouraged by his decision to bring Western culture to the reclusive Hermit Kingdom:

The inclusion of characters popular in the West — particularly from the United States, North Korea's wartime enemy — is a notable change in direction for performance arts in Pyongyang.

…

Kim, who took power after his father, longtime leader Kim Jong Il, died in December, has a "grandiose plan to bring about a dramatic turn in the field of literature and arts this year," [the state-run Korean Central News Agency] said.

…

Kim…has sought to project an image of youth, vitality and modernity.

Unconfirmed reports also mention that a housing facility near the Chinese border will be renamed the People’s Hundred Acre Reeducation Center.

Seizing on this news, and understanding the implications for stalled talks on North Korea’s nuclear program, the Obama Administration has announced a restructuring of its negotiation strategy. In addition to proposals presented as a treasure map, team members will portray Kim’s favorite Disney characters:

• Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton – Queen Grimhilde
• Vice President, Joe Biden – Tigger
• Special Envoy, Sen. Harry Reid – Eeyore
• Special Envoy, Rep. Nancy Pelosi – Hannah Montana
• Communications Liaison, Jay Carney – Tinker Bell

While President Obama will not attend preliminary negotiations, it is anticipated that he will assume the role of Piglet for the final talks and treaty signing.

Reader Submission: Obama Tried Real Hard

 From Walkingdead:

Obama has tried real hard to be bipartisan, and other great jokes.

In a recent interview our lord and savior Barack (don't call me Hussein) Obama stated that he's tried really hard to be bipartisan. I think we can all agree with that, and by agree I mean not, and by that I mean anything he ever said. So in the interest of bipartisanship, I've decided to do a top five list of other things he's "tried really hard" to do, and also with how successful he's been:


    #5  To keep unemployment under 12% -and unmitigated success. Its currently at 8.2%

    #4  To play less than 200 rounds of golf per term. - At last count (june 17th) he's only at 100.  So once again, a huge success.

    #3  To not raise more than 30 taxes on the middle class and poor. -  I hate to say it, but obamacare only raised  21 new taxes. So he's got 9 more to go. This guy is bangin'!

    #2  To beat George W. Bush's vacation record. -  Well here we are on his first failure. So far Bush has him by about 100 days. However, it is fair to note that no one has done the research for how many of those Bush days were working vacations. So he may have him there. Partial credit for Obama.

    #1 To demonize rich people and allow race to become a factor in just about every policy he's ever  put forth by not trying to fan the flames when he's had the chance. - I don't know if this is something he's tried to do, but he's doing the S**T out of it so, we should give him props for it.


So there you have it.  5 things Obama has tried really really hard to do, and he's done most of them. I know that his most bipartisan effort to date was his health care effort, and it should be counted considering it is universally hated by both the left and the right. No really, look at the polls. Everyone hates this thing. Sure there are individual portions of the bill that are popular, but so are parts of the patriot act. And we all know that the terrorists at Git-MO don't hate their regular soccer matches, and plasma tv's. So you know, I'm just sayin'...

So next time you get down on Obama for the unemployment rate, or the expansion of government, or the declining dollar, or the high gas prices, or the continuing war mongering that he campaigned against, or the lack of terrorist trials, or the bowing to foreign dignitaries, or the... well you get the point. Just remember, he's "trying really hard" you guys! GOD, GIVE HIM A BREAK!

Reader Submission: How To Argue with a Liberal Part 3

Here is part three of the three part series on how to argue with a liberal, by Walkingdead. If you didn't catch the first two parts you can find them here and here.

How to Win an Argument with a Liberal (Part 3)
LIBERAL HARDER!

Before I finish up this award winning (my mom gave me a ribbon) piece I just wanted to get a few liberal myths out of the way:

#1 You can’t become a liberal by sitting on a toilet seat after a liberal.

#2 Unprotected sex can lead to many bad things, but liberalism really isn’t one of them. Although new research may prove this wrong.

#3 Many people experiment with liberalism in college and their younger years, while most of the time they see the light.  In my opinion it should be monitored whenever possible as to not encourage this type of behavior long term.

Now that we have this out of the way, let’s get back to it.  I left off at #3 and that’s were we’re going to jump back in.


#3 The rich don’t pay their fair share. They need to pitch in.

This one is in my top 5 all time favorites. What the average person does not understand about taxes can be fit into the Grand Canyon. Before you start to poo poo my line of thought here, have you ever seen the U.S. tax code? It can’t fit in to the Grand Canyon. Scholars maintain that if you laid the bill out end to end on standard paper, it would reach the moon and back 32 times, and those are just the parts of the tax code Charlie Rangel dodged. My advice for this one would be to just ask one question. Just ask it. I’ve never got an answer back. All you do is ask, “What is a fair share”? 99 times out of 100 the liberal will be stumped. After that you can go home and take a nap. You earned it.

 #4 AAAAAAHHHHHHHH GEORGE BUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This one here is my all time favorite; I get this 3-4 times a day actually. The first thing you will need to do when this happens is pull out your keys. Jingle them around for a little bit and try and distract them with the shiny and the sounds. Typically after about 3 minutes they will forget what they were so angry about and go back to playing with their blocks. However, in some rare cases the defiant attitude of the liberal will rise, boiling over from his anger (or sadness) inside. At this point you may want to pull out a stuffed teddy bear. Politely ask the liberal where on the bear did Bush touch them? Reassure the liberal that everything is going to be ok, and George can’t hurt them anymore. He’s gone; he has been for 3 years now. Typically this reduces the liberal in to uncontrollable sobbing. If this is something you don’t want to put up with, then my next piece of advice is to scream HIPPIE and just punch him in the face.

Reader Submission: The PR Jihad

 Article from Scatbug:

The PR Jihad

The Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt won an historic victory in last month’s presidential election, but now faces a new battle: image sabotage. Reuters reports today about efforts afoot in Egypt to tarnish the organization, which since the 1920s has worked tirelessly to advance Islam’s political influence by chopping the heads of infidels and apostates, ransacking Christian churches and spreading its 8th Century religious principles around the world.

On June 25, a young engaged couple was attacked while walking hand-in-hand down a public thoroughfare. The male companion was stabbed multiple times and subsequently died of his wounds. Three young men “identified as Islamists” have been arrested. While some point to the attack as evidence of Egypt’s move toward Islamic fundamentalism following the election, questions remain as to the attacker’s motive and true identity:

Yet in a country where public debate is rich with rumor and conspiracy theories, the stabbing has also reignited a debate about whether such incidents are what they seem, or rather part of a campaign by groups affiliated to the Mubarak administration and aimed at discrediting the mainstream Islamist groups.

The Muslim Brotherhood issued a statement last week saying people masquerading as its members had attacked women's hair salons on the grounds they were immoral, describing it as an attempt to spoil the group's image.

Muslim Brotherhood leaders feel confident that an effective public relations strategy can do much to combat the image saboteurs. However, as one commented:

"If you want to go for a stroll in some well-known areas of Cairo, you will see scandals…”

The story does not relate what happened to the victim’s fiancé because it’s irrelevant.