I am Joe - Rubio

I am Joe.

I am scared again.  There was a knock at the door and it was one of those unlegal Americans.  I told him we already had a lawn mower but there was a Taco Bell down the street.  But he said No no I have a pointment with the Boss.  Me llamo Marco Rubio.  I slammed the door fast and ran and hid in my closet.

I have heard of Marco Rubio.  I have heard that he has a baby face.  Sasha says it is true.  She says that he keeps it in his sock drawer and he pulls it out and pets it when he gets lonely.  Sometimes he wears it.  She said he wants an old man face too.  I don’t want him to put my face in his sock drawer and pet it when he is lonely.

I heard Boss and Missus Boss and Aunt Nancy let him in.  They must not know him.  I have to save them, I thought.  I bet he doesn’t have a clean, articulate face or a bitter, old black nanny face or a rictus Botox face yet either.  I got down the Halloween box and put on the Fidel beard and the Spanish Conquistador costume to scare him back.  I snucked out of my closet.  I could hear them talk.  They were talking about anchor babies.  That man is a monster.  Who would make an anchor out of a baby?  Oh, yeah cause they can’t swim.  But he is still a monster. I runned back away.

I am not coming out of my closet until he goes away.

I am Joe.
 

[Cross posted at IMAO]

I am Joe: Easter

I am Joe.  I am excited.  I get to have Easter this Sunday! I know that Easter was last Sunday, but we had Cesar Chavez Day instead.  Uncle Cesar never came out of his tomb, though.  That is good.  I don’t like Uncle Cesar very well.  Last Easter he came to visit us.  He kept sniffing and laughing and saying he could still smell Bush sulfur, but I am pretty sure he was just passing gas.  And he took my Easter basket for the greater good.  He said he would give me back the candy that was my fair share.  I just got back the black jelly beans and some wrappers and some Peeps with the heads bited off.  The Peeps were hard and chewy.  And they smelled like sulfur.

I am Joe: Thoughts of a Special VP - Globull Warning

I am Joe.

Uncle Al came by today.  He is not funny.  He scares me.  And he asks for weird massages. When I had nanny call for my limo so I could get a hamgabur Uncle Al got mad at me.  He told me to take my tricycle to Burger King not my limo.  He said my limo made green gasses. And green gasses will make the world burn up.  Then he said I could not eat my hamgabur. Hamgaburs makes green gasses too. Did I hate the enviroment? Did I want to burn all up from globull warning? Or get drownded in the ocean because Anarttica melted?

I did not want to burn all up or get drownded. But I wanted to eat my hamgabur.  I ran and hid under Sasha’s bed to eat my hamgabur.  Sasha was hiding there eating her hamgabur too. Sasha is smart. So I asked her. Sasha told me Uncle Al was true. I asked her what green gasses were. She said green gasses were carbomun dieoxide. She said cars make carbomun dieoxide and electricities make carbomun dieoxide and animals make carbomun dieoxide and peoples make carbomun dieoxide. 

Peoples do? I asked her. Yes, peoples do. When they breathe or talk or when they pass gas.  That is why they call it passing gas.

Will it really burn me all up? 

She told me yes. You have to be very careful.  If there is too many carbomun dieoxides you will explode.  That is why she is eating her hamgabur under the bed in the dark and only talking a little bit.  She has to be very careful not to pass gas now because it might blow up.  She showed me a youtube movie of a girl passing gas on fire and starting to burn all up. It was scary. She told me that is why her daddy always yells at me when I pass gas in the limo. Cause limos make lots of green gasses.  Any more could blow us up.

I started to cry.  I do not know how to not pass gas.  I do not want to blow up.

She told me it would be OK. She told me to be safe I must never talk or pass gas in the limo or when the lights are on or when you watch TV.  And only eat meat quietly and in the dark. But good news. She told me in the Oval Office and in the conference rooms her daddy put in stuff that killed carbomun dieoxides, so I can talk and eat meat and pass gas in those rooms as much as I want. If I ever need to pass gasses, she told me the Oval Office is most safest. I will remember that. I will go there a lot. I pass a lot of gasses.

Loving the enviroment is confusing.

I am Joe: Thoughts of a Special VP - Bill

I am Joe

Today was fun.  Uncle Bill came by.  I like him.  He gives me cigars.  Well, he used to give me cigars.  One time I burned off my hair plugs.  I had to get new ones.  Now boss won’t let him give me cigars.  But he does sometimes anyway.  Don’t tell the boss.  He gives me other presents too.  Sometimes I see him hide in a closet with a girl.  He gives me a little chocolate dog with a gold wrapper.  If I promise not to tell.  He calls them hush puppies.  He is funny.

Today he did a neat thing to me.  He waved his hands in front of my face.  There was nothing in them.  Then he reached into my ear and pulled a quarter out of it.

I had to call nanny to change me.  He let me keep the quarter.  He is a nice man.  I clapped.  Again.  Again, I said.  Then I had two quarters.

I grabbed Uncle Bill’s arm and took him to boss to show him.  Look boss, look.  I said.  Look what Uncle Bill can do.  You don’t have to worry now.  Now we can pay for Obamacare.  And give the Japanamen back their money.

Boss was happy.  He laughed and said he was lucky to have a VP as special as I am.  Missus Boss told facebook about me.  It got 17 likes.  Aunt Nancy commented.  Missus Boss read it to me.  I copied what she said here.  It said “Big Joey B is getting soooooooo smat. More realistic than Harry's tax plan or QE3. LOL”

Today was fun.

I am Joe: Thoughts of a Special VP - Cookies

I am Joe

Today nanny told me and Sasha and Maila that she was not going to make our beds anymore.  We are old enough to make our own beds.  She said she would give us each a cookie if we made our own beds.

Sasha and Maila told me if I made their beds I could have their cookies too.  Yea!

Nanny told me good job and gave me one-two-three cookies. I was so excited I ran to boss to show him my cookies.

I am Joe: Thoughts of a Special VP - Sasha

I am Joe.

The big boys are here to talk to the boss, so I had to watch cartoons with Sasha.  Some African Americans with bones in there hairs and ears and noses put Elmer Fudd in a pot.  It was scary.  I asked Sasha if African Americans really would put Elmer Fudd in a pot to eat. 

Sasha said some African Americans are canables.  And canables eat people. 

I asked her if she eats peoples, and she said she never had yet, but her grandma and grandpa were canables.  And that her family would probably eat peoples sometime too.  Probably soon.  She said when you eat a people you get their spirit too and it makes you more stronger.  She told me to be careful because she saw her daddy look at me with that droolly look he mostly just gets when he looks at Bo.  And mama was licking her lips too. 

She asked me if I eated lots of candies.  She told me her mama has a plan for all the fat kids in America.  Because fat kids who eat a lot of candies taste goodest.  You are what you eat, mama always tells her.

I am scared now.  I am going to give Sasha all of my candies.  I don’t want to be eated.  I don’t want to taste gooder.  I am going to eat out of the litter box again.

I am Joe: Thoughts of a Special VP

I am Sam Joe

I am sad today.  I think boss is mad at me.  I drawed him a picture of me and him holding hands in flower field and one of sad Romney crying cause he lost, but they are not on the ice box.

I did not mean to kill the South African embasador.  I just want to help.  The guard dogs keep going away forever.  They are almost all gone now.  Boss says no one knows why.  So I want to make a better guard dog.  Aligators scare me, but they are too big.  

I saw a pygmie hippo at the zoo.  I thought pygmie aligators would make good, scary guard dog.  And I do not think boss likes to eat aligators, so that is good.

So I wanted to make a pygmie aligator.  Turns out if you try and mate a pygmie and an aligator you do not get a pygmie aligator.  You just get a mad aligator and a dead pygmie.  How was I supposed to know the pygmie was South African embasador? He could not even talk right.  He just clicked at me with his tongue.  It was funny.