State Department Leaks: Egyptian Crisis

My man in State has managed to get a recording of an early morning phone call between Secretary of State Clinton and the Vice President regarding the latest crisis in Egypt.  Here it is in its entirety.

Biden: Mr. Bill?

Clinton: That’s Secretary Clinton to you, and besides, the pejorative is Mrs. Bill.

Biden: Oh yeah.  I forgot.  A secretary would not be a mister.  Hi, Mrs. Bill.  I am Joe.

State Department Leaks: Obama's To Do List

My man in the State Department is getting more brazen.  I think my blackmail is becoming more effective.  Anyway, he managed to sneak into the Oval Office and get his hands on Obama’s notepad.  Using the old pencil trick, he was able to read the impression left behind.  What he discovered was a draft of Obama’s plans for the first 100 days of his new term when he will have more ‘flexibility’.  Here they are.  Remember, forewarned is forearmed.

·         Remember to get our wellness checkups before Obamacare becomes effective and we can’t get an appointment.

·         Invite Elizabeth Warren over to the White House for Thanksgiving dinner so she can share her authentic Native American cuisine.  Insist she bring her famous rendition of Lame Duck.

State Department Leaks: Sandy

The liberation continues.  We have what appears to be a snippet from the situation room regarding an environmental terrorist attack.  Very disturbing, if true.  However, I kind of suspect this may be a bit of propoganda someone sneaked into my  cache of papers.

Gore (projected on a big TV screen): You heard me exactly right.  Gaia called me as Her prophet, and I gave you Her word in Earth in the Balance, yet you would not unstop your ears.  Gaia spoke to me again, and I created the internet so Her word could spread throughout the globe, yet you turned your stiff neck upon Her.  Gaia spoke again, and I gave you Her word through the IPCC, yet you shredded Her word and used it to line your litter box.  We sent you Katrina, yet you would not turn aside from your wickedness.  Now is Her wrath kindled like a conflagration fueled by clean natural gas, and you will be as fowl in the windmills in the whirlwind.

State Department Leaks: Situation Room - Benghazi

It looks like we've stumbled on to a partial transcript of the proceedings within the Situation Room on 9/11/12.  Here it is entirely unedited.

Barack: But we can’t take military action on foreign soil.  We don’t have proof that it is a terrorist attack. What if we are wrong?

Leon: We have a live feed and communications from soldiers on the ground begging for assistance. What more proof do you need?

Barack: You should already know the answer to that.  How do we determine proof of guilt in America?  What does it say in the Constitution?

State Department Leaks: Libya

And the liberation of the documents continues.  This appears to be a transcript of a phone conversation between President Obama and Secretary of State Clinton regarding the requests for security in Benghazi.  I wish this would have been uncovered before the debates.

Obama: Hey, Mrs. Bill, what’s up dog?  Can you call me later?  I’m only on the 7^th hole.

Clinton: I’ve asked you not to call me that. It’s sexist.

State Department Leaks: Osama's Last Will and Testament

I found something interesting among the documents that have been liberated from the State Department.  I have just finished translating a copy of a portion of Bin Laden’s will.  I really think it can help us understand the man.  Here it is.

State Department Leaks: The Situation Room

The liberation of the leaks continues.  This one is particularly timely with the Presidential debate coming up this evening.  Obama's been trying to push his one success, killing Osama.  What I have happened upon is a transcript of the happenings in the situaiton room during the Seal operation.  I think these details should be brought up during the debate now that they are being made public. (Caution: lefties can be kind of immoral and risque.  Proceed at your own risk).

State Department Leaks: Osama's Diary Continued

Still liberating.

State Department Leaks: Osama's Diary Continued

And the liberation still continues.  This one is a particularly poignant entry letting us see Osama's softer side.

State Department Leaks: Benghazi

We found another interesting tidbit among the crumpled documents.  This appears to be a transcript of an IM between Barrak and an unknown individual in Benghazi (Benji).  I'm not sure what to say about this.

State Department Leaks: Osama's Diary Continued

Here's the next section of the diary. 

State Department Leaks: Osama's Diary Continued

We have another selection from Osama's personal journal.  This one requires no real setup.  The entry is beneath the fold in its entirety.

State Department Leaks: Osama's Diary Continued

And the liberation continues.

State Department Leaks: Osama's Diary Continued

For those of you who were paying attention, I think we have elucidated the author of the terrorist's daily journal, parts of which my man in the State Department was able to liberate, and it appears to be the big man himself.  I'll be leaking the pages out as soon as I can get them translated, so we can get a glimpse inside the man behind the terror.

Here is the what I have so far.

State Department Leaks: Osama

The document liberation continues.  This appears to be an old e-mail from Osama to Obama.  Or is it Obama to Osama.  I don't know.  All muslims look alike to me.

Greetings Brother-in-Allah,

Just dropping you a quick reminder that you need to let me know when your naval friends will be visiting.  Got to make sure I have my double in place.  Don't want to mix this one up. LOL

State Department Leaks: Iran

And the freeing of the documents continues.  I feel like Julian Assange.  So sexy. 

Here is what appears to be an e-mail exchange between Barak and Hillary about their carefully crafted Iran policy.

Hey Bill's Wife,

Guess what?  You get to deal with this too.  You know, if you would just learn how to caddy like a good little girl, you wouldn't have to deal with these messes :)

State Department Leaks: Al Qaeda

I'm slowly making it through the 'liberated' documents.  This appears to be a page from the daily journal of a high level Al Qaeda operative.  Haven't been able to identify his name yet.

June 14, 2012

Dear Diary,

I really need to set up a system that ensures that the European recruits are martyred first.  EIEO (Eurpeans In, Europeans, Out).  They’re absolutely retardtastic.  European indoctrination has ruined them, and it’s
driving me crazy. 

State Department Leaks: Egypt

Found an e-mail from Obama to Hillary.  Seems quite a bit more recent, and no translation required.

Hillary,

You get to deal with this.  I have an early tee time.

Morsi is really getting on my nerves. He’s insisting that we host him for a few days here in New York. The hidden imam compels me, or some crap like that. He’s trying to sell me on his 6 step plan for martyrdom or whatever he’s calling that cluster-crap business model he keeps e-mailing me that keeps getting filtered straight to my ‘Dispose-of-this-stupid-craptastic-Shiite-crap-immediately’ folder. Thank you, MSN.

Since I never responded to his spam, he sent this scrawny fellow directly to me with a hand-written request that we welcome him for a presentation on the benefits of joining the Muslim Brotherhood and how best America can change to accommodate the new Allah-approved Egyptian regime. Then he tacked on a rider with a list of demands regarding his accommodations and dressing room and Shiite. The guy must think he’s Katie freakin’ Perry or Lady Googoo Achmed or something. I mean, Mohammed H. Prophet. Check out some of the stuff he wants.

• One 24 ounce bottle of Johnson and Johnson’s Baby Oil, 24 white roses and a baby seal
• Unlimited falafel (Must be cooked in lard)
• A variety of tin foil hats  (Must be made of real tin foil, not the Reynold’s American substitute that was designed by the CIA to allow the transmission of mind control rays)
• Shakira
• A beating stick
• One pack of men’s athletic socks
• All items in the room must be covered in clear plastic wrap to be removed only by the artist
• No toy robots are to be allowed on the premises or he will not perform
• Five Gideon Qurans
• One small rhesus monkey skeleton
• Lots of fish ice
• Three jewish princesses
• A scrying device
• A life size Robert Patinson doll, a wolf skin and a lock of Stephanie Myers’ hair
• No MSG
• A decanter of Bill Clinton sweat and a partially used cigar
• The first three seasons of Sesame Street in a betamax format
• Jack Bauer’s head on a platter

Allah forgive me, but I’m really missing Hosni.  He just asked for money.

State Department Leaks: Pakistan

I'm slowing making it through the document dump.  It was very disorganized.  When my man at State was in the document room, he was startled when a drunken Bill Clinton stumbled in with a couple of chubby brunettes, and he panicked and just stuffed some random papers into his socks.  Most seem to be written in some kind of squiggly text, and it's taking me a while to translate it with google.  Here's the first one I finished.  It appears to be a letter to Barak. Couldn't make out the signature on the bottom.

Dear B. Hussein Obama,

Greetings to my beloved brother in arms.  I hope you had a lovely Ramadan.

Could you do me a small favor?  I know you have to keep up the appearances in the war on terror and all, but could you tone down the drones a bit.  I'm losing too many of my best men.  Here's a tip: the fake weddings and funerals, that is where we send the trainees.  Blast away there, but keep away from the Pakistan hills.

Like I said, you're killing my cream. All I have left appear to be borderline retarded. I mean, Mohammed H. Prophet, these new French recruits are plum useless.  Sent a crew down to that preschool with a car bomb.  Four hours later, they’re back here totally whole and unmartyred.  I was like OM-Allah,why aren't you partying in paradise?  And they were like, dude, we got lost and couldn’t find it.  Can we have a boom-mobile with a GPS?  I was like, WHATEVER.  Achmed, give them your GPS. 

On the way back to the car, they turned on the GPS to be greeted with a tinny, robotic voice saying:  “BLEAT!  Achmed.  BAAAAA!  You’re very good at turning me on.”  Most the newbies gathered around as they kept turning the GPS on and off and on and off again to hear the welcome greeting ad nauseum.  As they were yucking it up, they confused the car fob with the bomb fob.  Exploded the whole crop of new recruits.  Like I said.  Mohammed H. Prophet, I’m surrounded by idiots.  Allah, give me strength.  Here's a thought. Can you free me a couple more of my experienced squads from Gitmo?