Classic Nuke:You Read It Here First

What with Bruce "Caitlyn" Jenner deciding that he's "always" been a woman, which should come as a surprise to the men who competed against him in the Olympics, and Rachael Dolezal, (no former) president of the Spokane branch of the NAACP turning out to be a white woman with a spray tan, I think it's time to bring this one back from almost two years ago. It's from before my breakdown, and was intended to be the first in a series that never ended up happening.  But the first installment was pretty good, and is even more relevant today, when the lunatic left is proving more and more even day that they are impossible to parody, as any idea you might think today is so absurd that even they can't believe it will tomorrow be their "inalienable human right" that you are an inhuman monster for denying.

So, without further ado..

A Whole New Me

Classic Nuke: Redisplay of Controversial Photo Sparks Riots, Vandalism

This was first posted over two years ago, but in light of recent events, I thought it deserved a resurrection (pun maybe intended).

In fact, considering the AP just pulled sales of this photo, I think it;s more prescient than ever, if I do say so myself (which I do!). Perhap it's time Christian started acting like spoiled four-year-olds at the slightest provocation, real or  imagined. What could it hurt, except liberal feelings?

[Trigger Warning: This is SATIRE. If you have no sense of humor you will not like this. If you hink it is disrespectful, you might consider  who the actual target of that disrespect is.]

NEW YORK, NY (NPN) - After nearly a quarter century, the photo "Piss Christ" by Andres Serrano is still a source of controversy among fundamentalist Christians. The artwork, which is once again on display in Manhattan, has sparked rioting in cities around the world, as well as vandalism, including an attempt on  the photo itself. 

In Manhattan streets, rioters made their way from the gallery on West 57th Street to Turtle Bay, where they stood in Dag Hammarskjold Plaza, waving signs and burning the flag of the United Nations. "Death to Azerbaijan!" shouted one protestor, while others called for the beheading of nonbelievers.

"Filibuster", Termed by a MAN, Of Course

In light of Ted Cruz's recent faux filibuster, I decided to I look up the origins of the unusual word. It comes from the Spanish "filibustero" with origins stemming from words like privateer and pirate. Just as I suspected, the term "filibuster" was coined by a MAN named Albert G. Brown in 1853. But that's not important. What IS important is that he was male. I knew it had to be named by a man.

Classic Nuke - #DIPLOMACY - SAUDI ARABIA

[From the Nuking Politics Archives: #DIPLOMACY - SAUDI ARABIA originally posted January 10, 2013.]


Since like many in the conservative blogosphere I’m considering running for President of these United States in 2016, I thought it might be advantageous to start making my positions on various important topics clear. So let’s start with Diplomacy!  And where would our diplomatic efforts be without that ever-present sandy migraine known as Saudi Arabia?

-----

To the Powers that Be in Saudi Arabia:  

Dear Saudis, let's face it - this relationship is just not working out. Not for us, and not for anyone in your country who isn't one of the countless members of the royal family, or directly connected to them business-wise, and certainly not for any of your women, at all.  And thanks to our burgeoning energy independence (yay fracking!), we find ourselves day by day less motivated to continue the charade that has to date kept the pipelines open.

So here's what we're going to do:  

Classic Nuke - Super American Power Strike Force Obama Crises Team

[From the Nuking Politics Archives: Super American Power Strike Force Obama Crises Team originally posted August 6, 2012. ]

Super American Power Strike Force Obama Crises Team...Forward!

So, I was reading the other day about how, when Mitt Romney was at Bain Capital, one of his fellow evil greedy rich Bain directors had a crises come up. His 14 year old daughter went missing for days. Romney assembled, like everyone in the company, to go to New York City and physically look for her, while calling in favors with various corporate connections to get flyers made, hire a private investigator, and dispense information to the media...all on their personal dime. He basically shut down Bane Capital as long as it took to find the girl...and she was found eventually by the police, barely alive from a drug overdose in New Jersey. 

It got me thinking, that's pretty incredible how focused and selfless Romney was in such a critical moment, so how would Obama respond in the same kind of situation? So, as a little mental exercise, I took what we know about the President and applied it to a mock crises situation. That's how crises command centers and emergency personnel train, you see. I figured I'd pick an easy one for the President, and run through how he would take command of the situation. In this scenario, Joe Biden goes missing.

DAY 1

Classic Nuke: Pay Disparity: It's What's For Dinner

[From the Nuking Politics Archives: Pay Disparity: It's What's For Dinner originally posted October 19, 2012....(the original has some interesting comments, if I remember correctly... :)]

Many people think pay disparity is just for women, but it affects men all the time... and sometimes even me. Mika Brzezn... Mika the polack (I am one I can say that, its our word) from the MSNBC show “morning Joe” has been fighting with her... network for a while now because she makes half of what Joe makes. This makes total sense considering MSNBC is practically MSDNC... see what I did there? I know I'm not the first to say it but its pretty clever.

anyway, I don't really have a problem in this case that Joe makes twice as much as Mika.  After all he has double duty.  He has to pretend to know what he's talking about, and pretend to be a Republican.  We all know that's a lot of work.

Classic Nuke - Obama's Navy

[From the Nuking Politics Archives: Obama's Navy originally posted October 25, 2012.]

Ahoy!

I think one of the key moments that was really missed in the last debate is that the President has a real plan for the future of our military. Specifically, the United States Navy. See, I was in the Navy, so I catch things like this, when it involves the Navy, because I know firsthand how important the Navy is to our nation's safety and security, and also to protecting whatever it is the Navy protects. Probably other ships. But maybe like seals and whales and stuff. Global Warming is killing marine life after all.

Classic Nuke - Perfect Comebacks For Imperfect Arguments

[From the Nuking Politics Archives: Perfect Comebacks For Imperfect Arguments originally posted October 5, 2012.]

For a while now I've been getting weird attacks by liberals about how they don't like Romney.  they may attack trickle down economics or something else but they always let Obama Off the hook.  so today I'm going to give you a few scenario's and what to say in order to shut them down.  These are not fool proof however, but in most cases they will work.

"It's not Obama's fault.  He walked into a bad economy".

A:  "Stop apologizing for a guy who's bad at his job".

"If it wasn't for that obstructionist congress he would have gotten more done".

A:  "first of all he's only had that Congress for less than 2 years, second of all stop apologizing for a guy who's bad at his job".

"Trickle down economics does not work".

A:  "Neither does Obama, stop apologizing for a guy who's bad at his job".

"Hey the unemployment rate is lower now than when Obama Took Office"

A:  "It's .1 percent lower, 3 years later;  Stop apologizing for a guy who's bad at his job


So I hope these help.  I just wanted to give you a few examples of liberal talking points and how exactly you should respond.

---walkingdead

Classic Nuke - It Really is Bush's Fault!

[From the Nuking Politics Archives: It Really is Bush's Fault! originally posted June 28, 2012.]

You can hide behind that flag, but we know where you really stand...

So, the moment we all have been waiting for has come and gone. The Supreme Court has issued their ruling on ObamaCare™. And as we all knew, Justice Kennedy was the deciding factor, and ended up ruling that the mandate is unconstitutional, and along with the more conservative justices was on board with striking down the whole law.

Classic Nuke - Helium, the Next Great War

[From the Nuking Politics Archives: Helium, the Next Great War originally posted August 28, 2012.]


In the next 2-3 years after supreme leader Barack H. Obama wins reelection handily. Thanks to the millions and millions of dead people and illegal immigrants voting for him.  Our national energy needs will be fixed by cheap solar and wind power.  It’s no secret that this is one of his main causes, and we applaud him for it.  This is why I want to take a minute and bring up our next national crisis, the helium shortage.

 This helium shortage is just more proof of republican obstructionism, if not racism… or even worse racstructionism!  Helium is one of the two most abundant gases in the universe yet we have a shortage here in these United States.

Classic Nuke - Where We Screwed Up

[From the Nuking Politics Archives: Where We Screwed Up originally posted October 31, 2012.]

They tried their best to save us from lawyers...

I was responding to something on IMAO, which is one of my favorite websites, when the thought hit me like a lightning bolt: I haven't really written anything about lawyers. Which is kind of crazy considering, if I were ever to write a book about politics in the United States, lawyers would be the main theme and probably take up almost every chapter. Because lawyers are the devil...when it comes to politics.

Just to say up front, I don't think lawyers in general are bad people, or that it is a bad profession. On the contrary, they are necessary for society. However, when lawyers enter into elected office, they become a detriment to society. And it is because of the very nature of lawyers that we have such a morass of inane laws and just about every other mess in government.

Classic Nuke - Obama Job Interview

[From the Nuking Politics Archives: Obama Job Interview originally posted on July 12, 2012.]

You want my what? My resume? 

Have you ever had a job interview, and the guy or gal interviewing you asks that tired old question about what is your biggest weakness? And then, because you don't want to make yourself look like you have a big flaw, you pick something that you're actually good at, or fair enough at, and spin it as something you've "overcome". Well, Obama is doing that now. He's interviewing for another term as President, and he is trying to tell everyone that his "one" mistake in the last four years was not communicating to the people enough. You know, he hasn't told the "folks" the story, or whatever. Funny...I specifically remember seeing his face and his teleprompter on TV constantly over the past four years.

Classic Nuke - For Explosive Opportunities, Apply Within

[From the Nuking Politics Archives: For Explosive Opportunities, Apply Within originally posted August 15, 2012.]


Some jokes just write themselves.  THIS is one of them.

I really wonder what the interview process is like.

(Interior, half cave, half office.  Somewhere in the Middle East)

Classic Nuke: Quote of the Day: Scrutiny

[From the Nuking Politics Archives: Quote of the Day: Scrutiny originally posted July 14, 2012.]


Anything that seeks to silence all scrutiny, deserves the most severe scrutiny.

- Keln



In response to:

The Istanbul Process, backed by the Obama administration, to make it an international crime to criticize Islam.

Classic Nuke - Fired Up and Ready to Go

[From the Nuking Politics Archives: Fired Up and Ready to Go originally posted July 20, 2012.]

It's no secret that I'm not the biggest Romney supporter. All that changed on Wednesday when I read this. I've already written a blog post about it, and gave you some fun facts about Canada. Today I'm here to declare that I am on team Romney. I mean think about it, how bad could he really be? You know at least in comparison to who we have now.

Style is more important than substance these days, just ask anyone with a iPhone. No one cares if it can do what you want it to do, they just care that it does what it says it can do. Unfortunately for America we don’t have either.  come to think of it, I would kinda rather have an iPhone as president right now.

So, in light of these recent events I am volunteering for the Romney campaign in hopes that he listens to just a little bit of my advice in how to conduct himself. I will be giving many suggestions over the coming weeks. Today I present the rough draft for the acceptance speech he's going to give at the RNC. This will be the Romney we all want, not the Romney we will get. A boy can hope though right?

Classic Nuke - Why I like Nazis, Liberals, Platypodes and Puppies

[From the Nuking Politics Archives: Why I like Nazis, Liberals, Platypodes and Puppies originally posted June 2, 2012.]

From the makers of Volkswagen...

If there is one thing about me that those close to me know, it is that I love history. History is the study of humanity, and there isn't a creature alive on this planet that is more interesting than humans. The platypus comes in a close second...I mean, what is a platypus? It's not a duck, or a reptile, or a bird, or a poisonous snake, or a beaver, yet it shares attributes of each. It is a good thing scientists figured out how to classify the platypus (hey!, lets just make up a classification that only a platypus and one other creature "kind of" fits into!). Thank you scientists.

Classic Nuke: Some Bloggers are More Equal than Others

From the Nuking Politics Archives: Some Bloggers are More Equal than Others originally posted September  21, 2012.

Writer’s block again.  But that’s ok.  I have an idea that will cure it.  I think it will be really good for the blog.  Very unifying.  I think all eight of us should write under a single pseudonym.  We could all put our posts in a single, collective folder, and then post them under one name.  It’s really ideal when you think about it.  We won’t have to deal with any petty jealousies or egos.  We won’t be competing with each other.  We will just be unified comrades in the fight against injustice.  Does it really matter who said it as long as the message gets out?  We’re better than that.  We can make utopia starting right here and right now.

Besides, it’s really not fair that you all are more smarter than me am and can write stuff better.  Why should I have to seem to be the dumb, unproductive one?  It’s hard on my self esteem.  It’s not my fault.  Aren’t I entitled to share in your success?  It’s so much harder for me and takes me so much more time to do this.  And I’m really busy trying to master the bongos and hemp weaving and English, and I still haven’t finished that new Halo yet.  And I’m trying to get caught up on So You Think You Can Dance. And the computer is way over there, and the sofa is so comfy.  You really should be willing to pick up the slack for me just for a while.  Just until I get on my feet.  You aren’t selfish, are you?  I didn’t think so.

Ok, so we’re agreed. (tears) For the first time in my life, I’m proud of this blog.  My thigh is tingling.  This is a big effing deal.  Now we just have to decide on our pseudonym.  I think mine is the most creative.  Let’s go with that one.

---Lactose the Intolerant