NP Exclusive: Tomorrow's Debate Questions Leaked

My mole at CBS has leaked some information about some rule changes for the next Presidential Debate.  Apparently, ‘they’ were not pleased with the way Candy let Mitt walk all over her during the last debate, and they have taken steps to make sure Bob Schieffer does a better job.  The real Bob Schieffer has been replaced as the moderator, and the debate will be overseen instead with Joe Biden using a Bob Schieffer ventriloquist dummy.  Joe will be laughing and grinning all night as puppet Bob asks the questions.  Joe’s ability to lie through his teeth will be on full display. And if Bob keeps interrupting, it’s not Joe’s fault.  He can’t control him.  In addition, Mitt’s earpiece will be altered to allow Joe to administer a large electrical shock as needed.  It’s just like the moral of Harrison Bergeron.  Mitt shouldn’t have the advantage just because he is smarter and better than his opponent. That wouldn’t be fair.

My mole has also leaked the nine questions that will be asked during the debate.  Here is a preview.

1.      Mitt, how will your foreign policy be informed by your family’s clear history of racism?

2.      Mr. President, given your opponent’s hatred of women, should he win in November do you expect he will have Mrs. Clinton executed for the brazen missteps she took on her own in Benghazi?

3.      Mitt, since you and Muslims both agree that polygamy is an acceptable practice, how long will it be before you institute Sharia Law in the US?

4.      Mr. President, could you please tell us the story again of how you killed Osama bin Laden?  We love that story.

5.      Mitt, you have spent the last two debates telling us all the things you think the President has done wrong.  Please take a moment and list five things he did right, and why you wouldn’t have done them yourself.

6.      Mr. President, the United States just had an incredible showing in the Olympics. How much of the credit for that do you and Michelle deserve?

7.      Mitt, it has been reported that in high school you held down a boy and cut off his hair because you thought his hairdo was offensive.  How do you expect these attitudes to influence how you will deal with the Il dynasty in North Korea?

8.      Mr. President, please just take a moment and make me tingle again and again and again. 

9.      Mitt, sorry.  I’m spent.  No more questions for you.  But Barack, please take as long as you like to finish things up.