Saturday, October 20, 2012

State Department Leaks: Osama's Last Will and Testament

I found something interesting among the documents that have been liberated from the State Department.  I have just finished translating a copy of a portion of Bin Laden’s will.  I really think it can help us understand the man.  Here it is.
To my firstborn son I leave my treasures that are most worthy to help him learn how to rain death upon the Great Satan: Grand Theft Auto, my Tyco Flight Simulator and my Fisher Price My First Airplane, though I have lost the pilot.

To my youngest son I leave my entire video collection composed of the Great Satan’s Greatest Satanic Cinematic Hits: Flabby Fannies 1 through 7, Mustached Madams, Beach Blanket Bingo, The Godfather Part 3 and Gigli. I hope and pray that these bring you as much pleasure and hatred toward the Great Satan as they have for me.

To my youngest wife I leave my Sweatin’ to the Oldies collection. You remember when you asked me if that burka made your butt look fat. I lied.

To my first wife I leave my commemorative ‘Joanie Loves Chachi’ down comforter. Treat it with love and color safe bleach. It is stained with many memories.

To my middle son I leave my camo-print Snuggie. May it keep you as warm and safe in battle against the Great Satan as it did for me. I could clean my gun while staying wrapped in its loving embrace. I hope I was not wearing this when I kicked it.

To my daughters I leave my McDonalds Happy Meal Toy collection and my Beanie Babies. Always remember that these were wrought in the bowels of the Great Satan.

To my second son I leave my blue cardigan that was a 9/11 gift to me from Achmedinejad. If it becomes stained with the blood of the infidels, dry clean only, please.

To son number four, I leave my copy of Mein Kampf autographed by my good friend and fellow conspirator, Saddam Hussein. He signed it: Here’s looking at jew kid. Saddam was such a hoot.

Lastly, to my goat I leave my collection of half-eaten McNuggets in the old school styrofoam containers. Eat them, my beloved friend. Eat them with your pretty goat mouth.