Wednesday, December 19, 2012

A (Washington DC) Christmas Story

The scene: Santa’s workshop has been set up in the White House garden and local children are lined up to sit on Obama Claus’ lap.  Ralphie is in line on his quest for his BB gun.  The PA system is blaring the song “I’m Dreaming of a Black Christmas.”
Weird Kid: Do you like The Wiz?  I like Nipsey Russel as the Tin Man.
Ralphie: Come on, come on, come on. This line is taking forever.
Weird Kid: I like Michael Jackson.  I like Obama Claus.  I’m going to ask him if Obamacare will pay for my skin peel so I can be Michael Jackson.
Hillary Clinton, dressed as an elf, promptly picks up the weird kid and deposits him on Obama Claus’ lap, where he immediately begins to wail.
Hillary Elf to Ralphie: You’re next kid. Come on.
Hillary deposits Ralphie on Obama Claus’ lap, and the song on the PA system changes to “Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow.”
Obama Claus: Oh, I love this song.  Reminds me of my college days.  Maybe if you were really good this year, I will leave some special snow in your stocking. (laying his finger aside his nose and giving a nod).  Takes you right up that chimney and beyond.  So what is your name little boy?
Ralphie: -
Obama Claus: And what do you want for your non-denominational holiday gift this year?
Ralphie: (stammers)
Joe Biden (dressed as an elf and hopping around): I can’t move my arms.  I can’t move my arms.
Obama Claus: I know.  How about some birth control pills and a box of condoms?  You’ll want to party responsibly this holiday.
Ralphie: Yeah.  Condoms.  Yeah.
Obama Claus: You look old enough to have had sex ed, right?  Or do you need me to show you how to use these?
Ralphie: Yeah.  Yeah.  Miss Shields showed us how.  She didn't want us to poke our eyes out.
Obama Claus: Are they still using bananas nowadays?
Ralphie: Oh no.  She used her blow up Magic Mike doll.  She keeps it in the back room.  She tells us to always knock first.
Obama Claus: Ho, ho, ho.  Sounds like there is nothing wrong at all with our public school system after all.  Merry non-denominational holiday little boy. (Whispered to Biden)  Now get this creepy white kid off my lap.  I can feel his uncool rubbing off on me.
Mrs. Michelle Claus: And here is your holiday cell phone and rice cake and your fat-free, sugar-free tepid chocolate.  Don’t want you to burn yourself.
Ralphie: No wait!  Wait!  I don’t want condoms. I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle with a compass in the stock.
Obama Claus: That’s illegal in the DC area.
Mrs. Michelle Claus: Besides, you’ll shoot your eye out kid.
Ralphie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

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