Monday, February 2, 2015

Bring Me the Head of Al Gore!

Yesterday, I had little run-in with global warming and I'm feeling a bit cranky.

For the first time in nearly five years, I had to shovel myself out of my driveway. It's not that it hasn't snowed enough to be shoveled, it's that I'm lazy and don't WANT to have to shovel. I will drive my car up and down the driveway to pack the snow down, so as to avoid the need to shovel. As long as I can get in and out of the drive, that's enough for me.

 But yesterday, while I was out walking my dumb dog (she LIKES the snow!?! Must be her husky heritage...), my neighbor returned from work and couldn't get her car into her driveway, so when I saw her, I put Dummy in the house and grabbed my shovel. Between the two of us, it only took fifteen minutes, maybe, but that, frankly, was fifteen minutes more snow shoveling that I would have liked to have done this year. It's almost enough to make me wish I'd bought myself a snow blower.

It certainly wasn't the sort of plowing I had intended to do on Super Bowl Sunday.

Anyway, I finally got to watching the game (Don't get me started on the Cheatriots), and made it up through halftime, which was lame. (Why did they have Katy Perry riding a "The More You Know" star around the stadium? Weird Al next year, or I ain't watching!) Just as the third quarter was getting ready to start, the  snow started coming down hard enough to block the satellite signal.

By the time I got the computer hooked to the TV, and found a live stream, the fourth quarter was well underway, and it went to an NBC logo instead of commercials. At one point, I realized the logo had been up for quite some time, significantly longer than commercials should have lasted, and by the time I got the screen refreshed, I'd missed all the scoring in the second half except for the last touchdown.

So what I want to know is: When do we get these snow-free, warm "winters" that the global warming idiots keep promising us?

Al Gore wants to STOP global warming? I think we should stop Al Gore!

What I propose is that we each save up some money. It doesn't have to be a lot per person to make a huge difference, if we get enough people contributing. I'll kick in 50 bucks. Then we pool all that money together, and hire Al Gore to give a lecture on global warming somewhere in Iraq or Syria. Then, with a little luck, ISIS, ISIL, Daesh, or whatever they're called these days, will grab him and offer to give him back for a ransom, or for freeing some prisoners, or something.

But, here's the kicker: we will use whatever money we didn't spend on getting Al Gore over there, and use it not as a ransom, but as an incentive for them to keep him. And they don't have anywhere near as much patience with fools as we seem to: I bet they get tired of him real quick and whack his head off just to shut his fat stupid mouth. Then the liberal idiots (BIRM) in this country will demand retribution against ISWhatever, which will come in the form of massive bombings, a nuking if we're REALLY lucky.

I see it as a win-win: We get rid of Global Warming (Wh)Al(e), ISISomethingorother, and we get to keep warming the planet until the ice caps melt and flood the liberal coastline areas, creating new, better coastlines in areas with smarter, more conservative people, and winters suitable for beach attire. Is that a win-win, or is that a win-win-WIN?

I say it's a win-win-win-WIN!.


  1. Line of the day!
    "It certainly wasn't the sort of plowing I had intended to do on Super Bowl Sunday."
    Your plan is truly a win-win-win-win!

    Here in DFW, we can't plant any edible citrus in the ground because our winters will kill them. IF global warming ever decides to show up at all, I'll start being happy with it giving Dallas the same kind of growing season (and winter survivability) the Texas valley has. And I won't start getting worried about global warming until citrus cannot survive our summers - something I see happening in about an eon or three if we don't cycle back into an ice age first.

    In the meantime, as you said, flooding the coastlines would be a big, big benefit.

  2. Thank you! I loved that line, myself.

    I wouldn't mind being in DFW. But I'd probably weigh twice as much as I do. I don't think I could resist all-I can-eat ribs at Risky's. i cn eat a LOT of wings.