Monday, March 9, 2015

Obama's Iran Deal: The Secret Terms

Recently, we've been hearing a lot about the deal that the Obama administration has been working with Iran concerning Iran's attempts to acquire nuclear weapons. What we haven't been hearing are the terms of the agreement: What does each side get?

Well, we all know about the "No nuclear weapons development for 10 years" term. Like everybody with even an yoctogram of sense, I thought that was not only insane, but far too much to give: A reversal of the standing U.S. policy that Iran should NEVER be allowed to develop nuclear weapons.

Turns out, that's what THEY ARE GIVING US!

Yes, that's right, they will cease their "secret" nuclear weapons program for ten years, during which they will run a "super-secret" nuclear weapons program and following which, they will be allowed to have an open and active nuclear weapons program.

Smart Power.

Then I wondered, if they think that's giving us something, then they obviously will be wanting something in return. I went to my deep cover mole within the State Department to hunt down the specifics that I know you all are wondering about. Some of them are horrible, some are maybe not so bad, and some are, well, just a bit confusing.

So, let's have a look.

  • Obama must make an official state visit and apologize for "American arrogance." (This shouldn't be too difficult: He's been doing it for six-plus years now.)
  • Obama must bow to Ayatollah Khamenei. (Ditto)
  • Iran must be referred to "The Islamic Republic of Iran" and ISIS must be referred to as "Anything but Islamic." (They've got this one well covered, as well.)
  • Communities in America must be allowed to implement Sharia and govern themselves as they see fit. (You just knew this was coming.)
  • Sports Illustrated must publish a Burqini issue every Ramadan. (Modesty, you know.)
  • All restaurants must serve strictly Halal food. (Because even smelling bacon would be Haram.)
  • The Kardashian sisters must be spayed. (Like I said, not ALL bad.)
  • Burqas for every woman. (Because how else will we keep men from getting all rapey?)
  • The U.S. must plant for Iran, a shrubbery. ( I know, weird, right?)
  • The U.S. must plant ANOTHER shrubbery, beside the first, only slightly higher so you get a two layer effect with a little path running down the middle. (Oh, those crazy Iranis!)
  • Seal Team 6 must atone for the death of Osama bin Laden by cutting down the tallest tree in the land with a herring. (Okay, enough, already.)
  • The ayatollahs want Jeffrey Epstein's email address. (Ay-yi-isha!)
  • The U.S. must pay a nominal sum to Iran for the insult given to Islam by opposition to the Islamic Republic. (Just a little tax, you know. You won't hardly notice a thing.)
  • The Irani foreign minister must be allowed to yell at John Kerry as much as he pleases. (Another one that's not all that bad. I wish I could do it, too.)
  • Two words: Disneyland Tehran. (Instead of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, you'd have Abdul and his Seven Sex Slaves.
  • A chicken in every pot, a goat in every bedroom. (Who said romance is dead?)
  • Put the 2024 Summer Olympics in Qom. (Plus, make Buzkashi an official Olympic sport.)
  • Change Waiting for Godot to Waiting for Mahdi. (More inclusive that way, you see.)
  • Hand over the Coke secret formula. (This one may be a bit too much.)
  • Build a mosque where the U.S. Capitol used to stand. (Getting a little ahead of themselves here, methinks)
On the bright side, we got a couple concessions.

  • Like I said, 10 years of the super-secret weapons program, instead of just the plain old regular-secret one. (Wow, John Kerry sure drives a hard bargain!)
  • When the inevitable happens and Iran nukes Israel, Obama is allowed to make a speech calling it a "Man-caused disaster that none could have foreseen." (Because that's just the way he rolls.)
  • We don't have to call ourselves the "Islamic Republic of America" until Obama officially surrenders. (With an apology for all the trouble from His Imperial Highness, of course.)
  • Obama gets to claim full credit for his efforts to Immanentize the Eschaton. (I love that phrase. We should use it at all possible opportunities.)
  • Fourth row seats at Mahdi Gras for Obama, Biden, Kerry, Pelosi, Reid, and all the other top leaders. (Should be a hot ticket.)
Anyway, that's all my source had, for now. I'm sure there will be more as negotiations continue.


  1. Double secret weapons probation!

    (BTW, looks like second link broke)

  2. Unfortunately, there's no Dean Wormer for this scenario.

    Sadly, Obama and Kerry are more John Winger and Russell Ziskey without the charm, humor or competence.

    This can only end badly.

    (P.S. Fixed the link)