Monday, July 9, 2012

Blinking Iranians

More sanctions? Meh.

Michael Rubin at Fox News wrote an opinion piece today about how to make Iran blink, citing that the Obama administration's approach to sanctioning the little twerp of a country amounts to something in-between jack and crap. I'd have to agree with that assessment, seeing as how Obama hasn't been able to do much at all about Iran and their nuclear ambitions. Or their being annoying ambitions.

But with that I must diverge with Mr. Rubin. His idea is to ramp up serious sanctions on Iran and bring them to their knees. It's a step in the right direction, but it isn't quite enough. You see, regimes like Iran really only understand one thing: power. And that is something that the United States has plenty of, but unfortunately we don't display it much. 

Iran is a delusional country, believing it is serving some greater, religious purpose through its actions. The only way to deal with the deluded is to either slap them around until they snap out of it, or put them in an asylum. And since you can't really put a whole country in the nuthouse, we're left with slapping them around. A lot.

I am not talking about an invasion; I dunno about you guys, but I'm kind of tired of invasions when we can't keep the territory we invade. It's kind of silly to invade if you don't get much out of it. And the nation-building thing, or setting up democracies seems just as silly to me at this point. No, what we need to do is give them a good swift kick in the head.

Some have suggested mass bombing them, or nuking them, or using all kinds of super weapons to turn Iran into a sea of smoldering ruin. While that does solve the problem of them being a bunch of jerks, it's a little overboard, and we have this reputation for being the good guys that we would kind of like to hang on to...for now.

I think the best way to do it is by using more precision...with drones. Thousands of drones. Why put more expensive aircraft and pilots in harm's way, when we can fill the skies in Iran with drones 24/7? Think about it. Ahmadinejad makes some silly speech about wiping Israel off the map, and how Americans are all evil devil spawn, and then suddenly BLAM! His podium is reduced to ashes by a small, precision bomb dropped from a drone thousands of feet above him. 

Or some Iranian extremists are burning American flags and praising Allah, and shouting death to America and other such nonsense, when WHAM! Right in front of them a bunch of small bombs hit the street leaving small craters in the shape of an American flag. Or a smiley face. Whichever.

Or the Iranians are doing one of their silly parades marching around with big missiles that don't actually work, and the crowd is cheering while their troops do a ridiculous goosestepping routine, and POW! BLAM! PLONK! KABOOSH! All of their silly fake missiles are all blowed up right in front of them by precision American bombs.

We could even take it a step further and do precision bombings randomly, and for no reason. Like, a random precision strike on a goat. Or maybe take out a tree in the middle of Tehran. Or just practice drawing pictures with bomb craters in various places. You know, to give them the idea that, yeah, we can do it.

We wouldn't even have to kill anyone, because we'd have them so paranoid, that they'd be afraid of what we'd bomb next, and when the bombs start being targeted at people. I doubt Ahmadinejad would even be seen in public anymore. He'd be doing speeches by video tape like a terrorist in cave or something. Of course, then we would have to start precision bombing random caves.

That might make them blink.


  1. Since the days of the hostage crisis (yeah, I'm that old) I thought we ought to load up cruise missiles with stink bombs and itching powder and let fly. Then go before the U.N. and casually mention all the things it could have been.Explain that we would escalate to thermonukes and refuse to say how many steps.

    1. Well said Shakey Pete. If you've ever heard of the League of Nations (no, I am not that old), then you can see that this idea had been tried before, and didn't work. Pretty much for the same reasons.

  2. Instead of blowing things up, I'd mount a railgun on the drones. Just punch a huge hole in the engine block of the trucks hauling those cardboard missiles around. Clean, silent, and the watching them scramble stupidly around Tehran looking for the mystery devil sniper will make a Keystone Cops film look like Marine Parade Drill.

    Then when they can't find the sniper, and Imadinnerjacket goes and gives a speech about how they've already apprehended and executed him. Yeah, hit the podium. Followed by "leaking" video of Predator style optical camouflage being tested operationally.

    True pants-wetting fear should set in momentarily.