Thursday, September 27, 2012

State Department Leaks: Al Qaeda

I'm slowly making it through the 'liberated' documents.  This appears to be a page from the daily journal of a high level Al Qaeda operative.  Haven't been able to identify his name yet.

June 14, 2012
Dear Diary,
I really need to set up a system that ensures that the European recruits are martyred first.  EIEO (Eurpeans In, Europeans, Out).  They’re absolutely retardtastic.  European indoctrination has ruined them, and it’s
driving me crazy.  I swear they’re all like exploded, inside-out, martyred watermelons.  Blood-red on the outside and green in the middle.  Francois Mohammed has been trying to get a meeting with me for weeks, but I’ve been blowing the retard off.  So he slips an envelope under my door.  He titled it his Green Jihad Manifesto: Establishing the Environmentally Conscious Caliphate. 
Oh, Allah give me strength!  Droned on and on about how important it was to save and recycle all of our shell casings.  And we need to stop using toxic lead bullets and switch to environmentally friendly aluminum or natural rubber slugs.  Apparently there is a wide assortment of completely organic explosives and poisons and chemical weapons that are ‘safe’ and ‘natural’ and made entirely from wholesome, organic materials.  Apparently it is also imperative that we ensure we don’t use any biological weapons that contain any animal by-products or that were tested on animals.  No animals should be harmed during the making of this jihad. 
His conclusion: “We can ensure the domination of Dar Al Islam and restore the Caliphate without damaging the environment.  Would Allah really want us to dominate a world when we seem intent on destroying that very world through our selfish, day-to-day decisions?”
Mohammed H. Prophet!  Must resist urge to stone!
June 15, 2012
Dear Diary,
Well, I think I finally made Francois happy.  I gave into his hectoring.  He has been thoroughly and completely recycled.  Into pit bull poop.  Completely organic pit bull poop.  Maybe we’ll harvest the nitrates and make him into a nice little organic car bomb just like he dreamed of.  Circle of life.


  1. Love the idea of environmentalist terrorists. LOL

  2. this one is brilliant. I love the idea of terrorists writing diary entrees.