Monday, October 1, 2012

Lactose's Intolerant Opinion

Hmmmmmmmm.  Looks like no one posted anything yesterday.  I guess I had no opinions over the weekend.  It happens.  What can I say?  Sometime a man has to do what a man has to do.  I can't help it if I didn't have to do nothing.

But I did see a story about Matt Damon's new anti-fracking movie, and I learned something about it that was quite unexpected. 
The movie was backed by people from the United Arab Emirates.  Now that is an ironic twist.  At last there is a movie made by Muslims that makes me want to protest violently.

But speaking of movies, and since no one seemed to want to talk politics at all Sunday, I might as well speak of movies.  I have a pet peeve with Hollywood.  Over the last few years, Hollywood seems to be making a lot of remakes, and they don't seem to be doing all that well.  Made me think.  Could it be that we don't like the remakes so much because we know how they are going to end?  There is no surprise or suspense or tension.  I think if I were going to remake a classic movie, I'd change the ending just to keep everyone on their toes.  Which of these altered remakes do you think would do best at the box office?

  • Citizen Kane: Rosebud was his illegal Honduran nanny who was deported when he was young. 
  • To Kill a Mockingbird: The mockingbird survives and wages bloody vengeance. 
  • Pinocchio: Pinocchio becomes flesh and blood only to discover, to his dismay,that Geppetto had not carved him in a gender specific fashion.   
  • The Godfather: Michael Corleone quits the family business and opens a chain of mildly successful pizza restaurants in Duluth. 
  • Planet of the Apes: The main character was in a dream within a dream within a dream where PETA was trying to implant him with the idea to stop medical research on primates. 
  •  Soylent Green: Soylent Green contained high fructose corn syrup.                                       
  • The Ten Commandments: Moses slays Ramses in an epic magic battle, supplanting him on the throne of Egypt, enslaving the Egyptians and destroying the Stargate. 
  • The Wizard of Oz: Dorothy is a sleeper agent for the Wicked Witch of the West and dessimates the Emerald City with a poppy bomb concealed within the witch's broomstick. 
  • Finding Nemo: Nemo is finally found floating in a bowl of Manhattan Fish Chowder. 
  • Tootsie: At the end, Dustin Hoffman discovers that he has been magically transformed into a real woman. 
  • Mr. Smith Goes to Washington: He gets caught in gridlock on the I-95 and never makes it to Congress.   
  • Seven Brides for Seven Brothers: The seven brides turn out to be cross dressers. 
  • The Postman Always Rings Twice: While Vladimir and Estragon patiently wait for their package to arrive, their postman, Mr. Godot, never rings even once. 
  • They Shoot Horses, Don't They?: Yes they do.  A lot. 
  • 1,000,000 Years BC: Turns out it was global warming that killed off the dinosaurs.

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