Friday, November 22, 2013

Nuke the Punchline - "Your Winnings, Sir"

Harvey over at IMAO has posted a new straight line of the day, so it is time to choose the winners of the last one:

A New Report Shows the Government Faked Unemployment Data Just Before the 2012 Elections. Also Being Faked…


#5 FormerHostage: …sincerity.

#4 Bob in Feenicks.:…Nancy Pelosi’s face. Looking at her real one will turn you to stone.

#3 Bob B.:…is any claim that Obama is the smartest person in the room, even an otherwise empty one.

#2 walruskkkch: ...Pro wrestling. Seriously. It’s a fact.

And my favorite straight lines of the day were from CrabbyOldBat:

A New Report Shows the Government Faked Unemployment Data Just Before the 2012 Elections. Also Being Faked. . . “concern” that a few low-level employees acting without authorization could, through one isolated and anomalous incident, besmirch the reputation of an otherwise upright, rule-abiding, wholly non-partisan and impartial Census Bureau. “I am shocked — shocked!— to find that fakery is going on here!”

 Cookies to CrabbyOldBat!

and today's best kiss uppers were FormerHostage, walruskkkch and RAML:

A New Report Shows the Government Faked Unemployment Data Just Before the 2012 Elections. Also Being Faked…

FormerHostage: …the preference of store-bought cookies over homebaked. [That would *have* to be faked :)]

walruskkkch: ...are Anonymiss cookies, and they stink! [Who's faking my cookies? Let me at 'em! :P ]

RAML: ...The answer of course would be Anonymiss cookies. Of course the government took a good shot at it with it’s *you didn’t do that* and his upping the energy costs so much that everybody esp new businesses had to struggle . Now he’s upping her insurance cost or just canceling it completely. So what’s next? [It's true. Currently uninsured :(]


Kiss up Cookies to FormerHostage,
walruskkkch and RAML!
____________________

My favorite line yesterday was from Bob B.:

(credit: Walt Hunter/CBS3)
In Philadelphia, a man stole a FedEx truck and clipped several parked cars as the police chased him. Why did he want a FedEx truck?   When you absolutely, positively have to do time...

Kiss Up Cookies to can of spam:


Because he was trying to hijack a massive shipment of cookies to can of spam. [By the way, does walruskkkch have an alibi?]

  
Cookies to Bob B.
and Kiss Up Cookies to can of spam!

____________________

Here's a new line for you to try:


15 comments:

  1. ..."Have an apple - what could it hurt?"

    ..."Got sympathy?"

    ..."You haven't signed up for Obamacare yet, I see..."

    ReplyDelete
  2. ..."no, really, if you like your soul, you can keep it."

    ReplyDelete
  3. ... well, I'd tell you, but that would kind of blow my defense.

    ReplyDelete
  4. ... "cookies are evil."

    ReplyDelete
  5. ... "hey, babe, it's me again. Listen, you, like, actually *using* your soul? 'Cause I kind of need to have one, and I'd be willing to get you something for it if that'd help."

    ReplyDelete
  6. ... "this is a message from your cable company..."

    ReplyDelete
  7. "Hi; I'm calling on behalf of Obama For America. . ."

    ReplyDelete
  8. "Hello, this is the DNC calling. We really need your dollars to support..."

    ReplyDelete
  9. "B-r-r-r! I'm chilly. Obama admitted the administration fumbled something."

    ReplyDelete
  10. "Hi, is this the number for the sycophantic media? Just want you to know I've got your special place set aside here."

    ReplyDelete
  11. "Who's that jolly old elf who is going to invade your home shortly, and try to dump a sackful of so-called freebies on you? Could it be. . . OBAMA?"

    ReplyDelete
  12. "Hi, I'm looking for the Church Lady?"

    ReplyDelete
  13. "Obama? Is that you? Listen, punk, I'm calling to remind you that once upon a time, when you were looking to become a state senator, you signed a non-disclosure agreement with non-competition clause, and this stuff you've been up to these days qualifies as Competition, my man. You best just ease up on the American people or you'll be hearing from me a lot sooner than you're expecting, if you know what I mean. {click}"

    ReplyDelete
  14. If you like your plan, you can keep your plan. Period.

    ReplyDelete
  15. ...Congratulations! You are now enrolled in Obamacare. Here is your Obamacare ID: 666-666-666. You will be required to have your ID tattooed to either your right hand or your forehead or you will not receive any Obamacare services, as per the Book of Revelation. Have a nice day, and we hope to see you soon! -IN HELL!

    ReplyDelete