Friday, January 31, 2014

Nuke the Punchline - Magnety Solutions

Harvey over at IMAO has posted a new straight line of the day, so it is time to choose the winners of the last one:  I know. I know. I've been a deadbeat judge. So sue me!  :P  (Basically, I had some rare extra time today. Not sure if/when that'll happen again.)

Scientists Say Earth’s Magnetic Field Is Collapsing. The Solution…

Photo: NASA  (Isn't it super cool?)

#5 Bob B.: …-we must sent Mylie and Justin to the center of the earth, to use their joint status as the two most attractive people on the planet to jumpstart the magnetic core.

#4 FormerHostage: ...Have the other planets give us a fair share of their magnetic fields.

#3 Steve H: … have the president announce it isn't collapsing but expanding inversely to the unemployment rate. The Laws of Physics with thus be altered, problem solved, let’s go golfing.

#2 Chip: simple once you consider how much spin is generated in Washington DC. A very simple machine can be built around the city to capture and convert that spin into enough magnetic field that we should be able to sell the surplus to other countries and at a decent markup.

And my favorite straight line of the day was from coldguy:

Scientists Say Earth’s Magnetic Field Is Collapsing. The Solution…is to confiscate all guns because guns are made of metal, which is, um, magnety, and then we’ll melt them all into one of those “U” shaped things like the Wile E. Coyote has.

 Cookies to coldguy!

and today's best kiss upper was Fred Key:

Scientists Say Earth’s Magnetic Field Is Collapsing. The Solution... Cross the streams. Release the Kraken. Eat the cookies. How should I know? [Eating cookies is ALWAYS a good idea ;)]

Kiss Up Cookies to Fred Key!

Here's a new line for you to try:

Thieves stole over 70,000 books from Brooklyn libraries in one year. The stolen titles...


  1. ...are irrelevant, because they were mostly used for warmth.

  2. That image IS super cool, but not as cool as having you back, even if it might be (sniff, sniff) temporary!

  3. ...include "Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds", "Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying", and several works by Charles Dikkens, the well-known Dutch author.

  4. Surprisingly, did NOT include any copies of Abbie Hoffman's "Steal This Book"

  5. Speaking as a Professional Librarian I can safely say that the title was most likely 50 Shades of Grey. Trust me, I do this for a living. That's not a joke people, I'm being serious here, it's my goddamn job!

  6. ...I don't know what the titles were, but most of the books were found in Sandy Berger's underwear.

    ...thanks to the publicity from Ted Cruz, Green Eggs and Ham.

  7. ...were all written by conservative authors. Oddly, in their place, copies of "Dreams from my Father" and "The Audacity of Hope" were left behind.

  8. included such seminal works as Mastering the Art of French Cooking by Julia Child and Simone Beck, The Joy of Cooking by Irma Rombauer, The Classic Italian Cookbook by Marcella Hazan, Le Guide Culinaire by Auguste Escoffier, and of course Anonymiss' Big Book of Cookies (with a introduction by The Cookie Monster).

  9. The stolen titles were ...
    ...returned after the thieves realized the overdue charges would bankrupt them.
    ... mostly by Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Paula Dean.
    ... copies of Dianetics that nobody wanted to check out.