Thursday, October 11, 2012

In All Seriousness: Tips for Martha Raddatz

As you’ve probably already heard, Martha Raddatz will be moderating the VP debate tonight.  This is the same woman whose wedding Obama attended and whose former husband Obama appointed to head the FCC, so she clearly has no biases in this competition whatsoever.  And, since Jim Lehrer has been castigated by the media for letting Obama only speak 4 more minutes than Romney in their debate, I imagine she will be feeling extra pressure to keep Ryan muzzled within his safe, predesignated kennel. 
But now that her conflicts of interest are exposed, I kind of feel sorry for her.  She is going to have to walk a keen knife’s edge tonight.  I noticed that Walkingdead has given some sound advice to both the candidates, so I’d like to give some to poor Martha.  Here is what I think she should do to make this really a fair, standout debate, so she can’t be accused of being in the camp of either participant.
·         Visibly flirt with Ryan, and during a follow up question, ask for his phone number.
·         After each exchange, rate the candidates’ responses using a system based upon the frequency and severity of quivers in Chris Matthews’ thighs.  If he moans audibly, the value is doubled.
·         For the first question in the debate, ask each candidate to identify their favorite Biden gaffe and explain why.
·         At the midpoint of the debate, reveal that the surprise, guest moderators for the last half will be Big Bird and Elmo.
·         Allow Biden to debate tag-team style with Obama’s empty chair and/or teleprompter.
·         Whenever it is Ryan’s turn to speak, announce: “and now let’s hear what the racist has to say.”
·         Arrange the lighting so Biden’s hair plugs are limned with a radiant halo.
·         Announce some last minute changes to the debate rules to play to the candidates’ strengths.  Ryan can only use math if, in turn, Biden is allowed to plagiarize.
·         Allow Ryan to quote sections from Biden’s contract with Satan.
·         Ask each candidate to explain what would frighten them most about having a Mormon President.
·         Whenever Ryan tries to engage Biden, snap at him to shut up and respect his elders.
·         Allow Ryan to demonstrate with a wheelchair-bound Biden how Obamacare’s cuts to Medicare are like pushing an old man off a cliff.
·         Recuse herself and allow a moderator without visible connections to Obama take over.


  1. You make me smile :)

  2. Btw, could you explain in detail "visibly flirt"? How does one accomplish this?