Monday, April 22, 2013

At Last Now We Will Have a Chance to Understand Them

While the individuals who allegedly perpetrated the bombing of the Boston Marathon had ties to militant Islam, the talking heads assure us that the reasons for the bombing certainly can’t have anything to do with militant Islam.  Talking heads would never lead us astray.  There must be some other, possibly deeply psychological, reasons for them to act out like this.  The real reason, I’m assured by my man in State, is some combination of these. 
·         They just hated Affleck and Damon so much.
·         They were inspired by the mysterious voices emanating from NPR.
·         It is just one more awful consequence of the sequester.
·         They couldn’t find decent borscht or pirogi in Boston.
·         Increased taxes on vodka and cigarettes.
·         To make everyone aware of the hazards of dangerous assault cookware.
·         The community they grew up in was woefully unorganized.
·         No matter how hard they trained, they were unable to qualify to run.
·         When they were children, their parents forced them to practice the vuvezela while the other kids were playing baseball and training for marathons.
·         They were upset that Sandra Fluke still didn’t have birth control.  Her genes, and those of anyone choosing to mate with her, must not be passed on.
·         They were upset that the undocumented workers might get amnesty while they had to jump through all the hoops to get their citizenship.
·         Obamacare didn’t go far enough toward emulating the healthcare in Mother Russia.
·         Their High School track coach resisted their advances.
·         When they became teenagers, their mother refused to let them nurse any longer.
·         The mail order brides they ordered didn’t look at all like their photos, yet the brides still rejected them.
·         Boston’s gay marriage laws still didn’t allow brother to marry brother.
·         Russian chefs are underrepresented on FoodTV.
·         Their mother wouldn’t let them play violent video games. 
·         Boston drivers.
·         They went to Boston public schools rather than being properly homeschooled using Uncle Sid’s Guide to Homeschool Your Hellions. 

1 comment:

  1. Nope...can't have anything to do with islamic terrorism. One thing I could imagine would be that the whole thing was a ruse invented by Jokar, because he needed an excuse to run over his brother: "Iss beink too many buttheads around here. Boston iss one-butthead town...."