Shakeup At DOJ

President Obama announced today that he is considering replacing Eric Holder at the DOJ with a giant cabbage.  Citing it's qualifications, Mr. Obama noted that, like Mr. Holder, the cabbage was incapable of breaking the law, could not think of a valid reason for investigating itself, and couldn't care less about the constitution.  In addition, said Mr Obama, "cabbage" is a word that is lot's of fun to say, and since Mrs Obama approved of cabbages as a food source, it just seemed like the right thing to do.  He added that, like Mr. Holder, the cabbage had an appendage that looked very much like a human head, plus a really cool orange hoody, (see picture). 

As an added bonus, it would fit right in with the rest of his cabinet, and would continue the level of ethics and integrity shown by Mr. Holder.  Also, Vice President Biden stated that he was hugely relieved that finally there would be somebody in this administration who he could beat at checkers.  Mr. Holder was unavailable for comment.