Friday, June 29, 2012

Nuke the Punchline: Obama Had a Terrible Dream

Harvey over at IMAO has another straight line of the day up, and so it is time to pick the winners of the last one:

Barack Obama said: "I had a terrible dream last night".

#5 tomg51: But then, everything I do is terrible, so no surprise there.

#4 CarolyntheMommy: I was fresh out of race cards.

#3 EdthePastor: I was stranded on the moon, and Frank launched a "rescue rocket".

#2 Special Ed: I dreamt I was actually held accountable for everything I did.

And the best "punchline" goes to John

Barack Obama said, “I had a terrible dream last night…”
….I stood alone under a raging sky, dark mushroom clouds spiraling into the heavens, blotting out the last rays of sunlight that would ever reach our world. I had just ridden to safety on the crest of a nuclear explosion, encased in a lead-lined refrigerator that gave me a 50% chance of survival, providing my neck didn’t get broken from the impact of the fridge hitting the ground at several hundred miles an hour.
Nothing remained. Trash and tattered clothing billowed across the fields, merging with the dead crops and irradiated top soil before rolling along, another tributary feeding into the river of mankind’s fall.
Flames dotted all the hills, like the campfires of Hell’s approaching army. I lit my last cigarette with the smoldering ashes of an illegally-large soda container and sucked the last joy of creation into my lungs, looking on with dismay as a dust storm gathered across the horizon, leviathan and primordial, ready to herald the coming of Earth’s final, everlasting winter.
I woke up screaming. The phone rang.
“Barry? What happened? I felt something, like the voices of millions crying out in pain, then suddenly silenced.”
My voice was hoarse, ragged. “It was just a nightmare, Jimmy. How did you know?”
Jimmy Fallon sighed. “You know how it works, Barry. When we slow-jammed together, we forged a connection that can never be broken. When you hurt, I hurt.”
“I’d forgotten,” I said wearily. “I’m sorry you had to feel that too.”
“Never be sorry! Merging my consciousness with yours was the single greatest joy of my life. Your burdens are mine to share. Forever.”
I smiled. “God I miss you.”
Fallon laughed. “I miss you too! You don’t know how hard it’s been without you. I tried to slow-jam with Bill Maher, but he kept stopping to wait for an applause break. Then in the bathroom, he went right up to the urinal next to mine, despite there being at least five other urinals to choose from. He kept laughing. Then he got really serious and said he wanted me to lie down so he could snort a line of coke from my belly button to my left nipple. I didn’t want to do that, Barry. I was so scared.”
“It’s ok Jimmy. I’ll never let him touch you.”
“It’s just that….I know he donated $1 million to your re-election campaign. I didn’t know if you’d be…protecting him…”
“I can’t control who gives me money, Jimmy. You know that.”
Fallon sighed. “I know. You’re right, of course. I’m sorry I doubted you, Barry.”
“It’s ok Jimmy. And it hasn’t been easy for me either, you know. Being all the way over here in D.C. I still have the hat you wore in Fever Pitch. It’s starting to lose your smell though.”
“I knew you were the one who saw that movie! Drew Barrymore said it was Aaron Sorkin who rented it that one time at the Blockbuster in the valley. But I knew, KNEW it was you.”
“I need your help, Jimmy. My dream was a premonition. Dark times are coming. I need to re-connect with the 18-to-25 demographic. I need another slow-jam. I need you.”
“You’ve never lost me, Barry.”
I giggled and twirled the phone cord around my finger. “Do you want to practice right now?”
“Absolutely. Let me just put you on speaker phone……there. Go ahead, Mr. POTUS.”
“Ok……I believe…….that we can weather the coming storm…….that this great nation will survive the approaching tide……that we’ll take America back from corporations….”
“OH……YEAH……..BABY…” Jimmy Fallon breathed lustily, “BRING IT DOWN…….NICE……AND SLOW…….”
“I believe……that people…..don’t want to struggle for another four years……that people…….want to be working…..want to be saving……want to look forward to the future….”
“I believe………that all Americans……deserve healthcare…….that all Americans…have the right to see a doctor……to bring their children to a doctor……..have the right to seek treatment when they’re hurting….”
“To do this…….I’m bringing about legislation……that will FORCE……by LAW……all Americans… BUY healthcare…..”
I paused. “Jimmy? Is everything all right? I need you to come in after “healthcare”. Jimmy?”
A hint of uncertainty fluttered through me. “Jimmy?”
“What is it baby? Tell me what’s wrong.”
I heard Jimmy sigh, the noise garbled by the speakerphone. “It’s just that….well….I’m not so sure the American people are down with that….”
I felt myself go cold. Go dark. I felt the predator take over. “You aren’t sure about….WHAT….exactly?”
“Well, it doesn’t really seem to SOLVE anything if you just force people to buy healthcare.”
“Jimmy, it makes perfect sense. Uninsured Americans account for hundreds of millions of dollars in hospital and physician fees every year. Every YEAR, Jimmy. If those people had insurance, those evil corporations would get stuck with the bill. Do you know how many iPads a quarter of a billion dollars buys, Jimmy? At least ten.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s just that…..well…….a big reason those Americans are uninsured is because they can’t AFFORD insurance. Forcing them to buy something they can’t afford—or hitting them with a fine they can’t afford if they refuse—doesn’t really solve anything.”
“What do you mean, IT DOESN’T SOLVE ANYTHING?!?!?! The amount of uninsured will go down to zero. ZERO, Jimmy. I’d be the first President ever to do that.”
“But….it’s kind of unconstitutional, isn’t it? Forcing Americans to purchase a private product?”
I smiled. I had him, the beautiful son of a *****. “Jimmy, Jimmy. We already force people to buy CAR INSURANCE, right? How is this any different?”
“Well, not everybody has a car, Barry. It’s not a requirement of U.S. citizenship to have a driver’s license. If you don’t want to participate in automobile-culture, you don’t have to do things like pay a fuel tax, or have a car registered, or pay for auto insurance.”
“But this is better for everyone, Jimmy. Everyone will have health coverage. Not everybody needs a car, I guess, if you want to be some crackhead loser who takes public transportation. But everyone needs to see a doctor, right? You don’t want orphans to die, do you Jimmy? Is that what you are? Should I just start having orphans shipped to your studio, and you can tease them with food and tell them they’re going to get parents and that they’re going to get a new wheelchair soon and then you can JUST KILL THEM ALL???? Is that what you want?”
“Of course not, Barry. But don’t you see that, by forcing somebody to buy health insurance, you’re forcing them to spend money on something JUST BECAUSE THEY’RE ALIVE? Somebody without any optional obligations, such as a house or a car—or even income from a job—can be fined for something they have no chance of declining? For the first time ever IN THE HISTORY OF THIS COUNTRY, the government can take money from you for the single fact that you survived into adulthood?”
Silence reigned. For a moment, I felt pity for him. My poor, sweet Jimmy Fallon. How could it have come to this? You seemed to understand so much. Now I’ll have to find a new entertainer.
“Barry? Are you still there? Say something!”
“I find your lack of faith disturbing, Jimmy.”
“Um. Yeah. Sorry. Are you…..are you trying to force-choke me over the phone?”
“I can see you on Skype. You forgot to turn your camera off again. From that time we were joining our pillow-forts together? You probably just minimized the screen again. You have to click the X.”
I picked up another phone. The red phone. I pressed 9 on the speed dial, and waited.
“Barry? Look, I was wrong, ok? I’m sorry I said that. I didn’t mean to disagree with you. Just don’t do anything crazy, ok?”
“It’s too late for apologies, Mr. Fallon.”
“Mr. Fallon? You haven’t called me that since the first time we met backstage. We practiced our slow-jam, and then I ate a big messy cupcake, and I had frosting all over my upper lip, but you just giggled and wiped it away and I knew, KNEW that we’d always be together.”
“I wish it could have been that way, Mr. Fallon.” I heard a crash over the speakerphone, and the hissing whispers of tear gas canisters.
“Barry!??!?!?! What are the Secret Service doing here? Please don’t take me away. They’ll put me back on Saturday Night Live. I can’t go back to SNL Barry!! They don’t tousle my hair right, and they always made me sing, I HATE singing skits Barry, please don’t…….”
I woke up screaming. The phone rang.
“Barry? Barry, what’s wrong? I felt something terrible happening!”
“It’s ok Aaron. I was just having a nightmare. I dreamt that I slow-jammed with Jimmy Fallon on his low-rated entertainment show, and he promised he’d be with me forever, but he lied to me Aaron, he lied, and when I asked him for help with promoting my healthcare law to the American people he DEFIED ME…and…….and….”
“It’s ok Barry. It’s ok. Everything’s fine.”
I grinned nervously. “Yeah, you’re right. Everything’s better, now that I’m talking to you. It was all a little silly. Sorry I scared you. You were going to tell me about your new HBO show, a hard-hitting expose on broadcast journalism that’s smashing premium-cable records and resonating deeply with the American people and……”

Congratulations John! That was a doozy of a post.

Now, here is a straight line for you guys to play with:

What would be the title song of Obama: The Musical?


  1. Incompetence in Action: the Rise of the Village Idiot

    1. Sounds more like a movie about Obama instead of a song in a musical, but I like it.

  2. Don't Cry For Me America ... set to the tune Don't Cry For Me Argentina


  3. Taxmaster

    Big Spender

    King of Everything

    The Carter's Apprentice

    Hussein Hilarity


    (From CarolyntheMommy)

  4. To the tune of Mamma Mia:

    Obama Mia, Here I go again
    My my so hard to ignore ya

    Obama Mia, does it show again
    My my how much I detest ya

    Yeah there's some SCOTUS hearbreak
    This law's a mistake

    Why why didn't Justice Roberts know?

    1. I had to look up the tune on you tubers, and I must say that this is brilliant. Well done!

  5. Send in the clowns ... The remix from Attack of the Killer Clowns.

  6. We're Out of Money (instead of We're In the Money)

  7. Springtime for Hipsters (and Socialists)