Friday, July 20, 2012

Fired Up and Ready to Go

It's no secret that I'm not the biggest Romney supporter. All that changed on Wednesday when I read this. I've already written a blog post about it, and gave you some fun facts about Canada. Today I'm here to declare that I am on team Romney. I mean think about it, how bad could he really be? You know at least in comparison to who we have now.
Style is more important than substance these days, just ask anyone with a iPhone. No one cares if it can do what you want it to do, they just care that it does what it says it can do. Unfortunately for America we don’t have either.  come to think of it, I would kinda rather have an iPhone as president right now.

So, in light of these recent events I am volunteering for the Romney campaign in hopes that he listens to just a little bit of my advice in how to conduct himself. I will be giving many suggestions over the coming weeks. Today I present the rough draft for the acceptance speech he's going to give at the RNC. This will be the Romney we all want, not the Romney we will get. A boy can hope though right?

The lights dim, Romney is seen walking out from back stage holding a tumbler filled with ice and a hazy yellow liquid, he blows some smoke back behind stage.

"Good evening my fellow Americans. Today we have an opportunity to take back our country from the segment of the populace that promised us hope, and only brought us hopelessness." (hold for applause)
"We have a chance to truly put this country back on the path that our forefathers intended all along." (hold for applause) "Now before those in the media decide to read in to these words and scream racism let me just say... F****** stop it. I know what you're doing and its not going to work." (hold for applause, take sip from glass) "Wow this is some whiskey. (standing ovation)"M y campaign has been called WEAKSAUCE by some in the blogosphere, and rightly so. I am here today to tell you that it will not happen again!" (hold for applause, loosen tie, unbutton top button on shirt)

"Right now we live in a country where unemployment is over 8%, where we spent nearly a trillion dollars to get it there, and where Canadians have more wealth than Americans do. I'm here to tell you now, THAT S*** WONT FLY WITH ME!" (standing ovation)

"American exceptionalism is not something I believe in because its the right thing to say to fire up the base, its something I say because I’ve lived it my entire life. Right now I'm up against a candidate who's entire claim to fame before being elected president was being elected senator, and before that was being elected state senator. I would love to give his credentials before that, but in a huff to get the media to release my tax returns, they forgot to give any information themselves." (Crowd begins the Arsenio Hall chant. Romney looks out to the crowd) "That’s where my dogs at!"

"Today I promise to you, if you... who am I kidding, when you elect me president, I promise to keep taxes where they are at, finally pass a budget, curb spending, and never let Joe Biden speak in public again. In fact, my first act as president will be a constitutional amendment keeping all microphones away from that disaster of a human being... 'cause lets face it. We all know he's going to open his stupid mouth again about something." (standing ovation)

"I promise you that myself and my running mate... DEWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON" (hold for applause) "...will fight the good fight for freedom and proprietary in these here United States.  I will fight for the unborn, I will fight for the newly born. I will fight for those who need a way to get a leg up, but I will not fight for those looking for a hand out. We will find a way to pass meaningful immigration reform, and we will repeal and replace Obamacare. Finally, I will only serve one term in office, because I can think of 2 or 3 guys who are way better than me, but they just aren't ready yet. I figure 4 years from now they should be." (crowd erupts)

"GOD BLESS YOU, AND GOD BLESS AMERICA!" (Romney drops mic, lights something on fire, fans the flames a la Jimmie Hendrix, and walks out)

Yeah I know it seems kinda short right, but when I timed it out including the applause and standing O's it came out to just under 40 minutes.


  1. right now i'd vote for a yellow dog in the road if he said he was a Republican.

  2. well at least a yellow dog would be loyal, and obey the commands of those who feed and cloth it.

    however, a yellow dog is probably going to be more house broken than Obama?

    so its actually a pretty easy choice.

  3. I missed this the first time around.

    (sniff) It's BEAUTIFUL, man! (wipes eyes)

    1. Looks like you need to read through NP's greatest hits then ;)