Mitt Romney Made Me Bald of Cancer

Recently a super PAC released a video pretty much stating what we all were thinking.  Mitt Romney gives people cancer in order to kill them so we can have less poor people.  Or something like that, I really didn’t pay much attention to the video.

Still after all this I want to express my support for team Mitt even though it’s his fault I’m going bald.  It’s true, I am, and it’s his entire fault.  Let me take you through my logic.

Back when I was a young child, without a care in the world I used to have a full head of hair.  It was nice.  Sometimes I would stick my head out the window and let the breeze flow through its silky smoothness and try to imagine how much I was being envied by Kojak. By the way if you’re wondering, it was a lot.

Then sometime in my early 20’s I started noticing a lot more hair on my pillow in the mornings, also in the shower.  This is when I realized that I was going bald.  Nothing I could do about it; or was there?  I found out that a few experimental hair growth formulas were on the market, and like every Baldwin not currently on a sitcom, I needed those drugs.

To my chagrin I found out that they were all prescription drugs.  I wanted to get my hands on them but I had no health insurance.  Suddenly it hit me!  My dad used to work for Domino’s Pizza.  He was a General Manager.  He should have insurance to cover me.  I drove to my dad’s condo in south Detroit (a place that only exists in Journey songs and this story) ran up the steps and started shouting at the top of my lungs.  “DAD DAD DAD I NEED YOUR INSURANCE”.

After what seemed like 2-3 minutes, (but turned out to be an hour and a half) he opened the door and asked me what I was doing at 3 in the morning?  I explained to him that I needed his insurance so I could get some experimental hair restoration.  He sat me down and told me that he hasn’t worked for Domino’s in years.  Even if he did still work for them I was too old to be on his insurance.

I was angry.  First of all, how dare the country I love not let me be on my parent's insurance?  I was only in my early 20’s and completely capable of taking care of myself.  Why should I let my irresponsibility get the better of me?  Second of all, how dare Bain Capitol not allow my father, the man who helped bring me in to this world, to keep his insurance nearly 10 years after he leaves the company?  I just don’t understand how Bain, a Domino’s pizza investor, could let that happen.

 As far as I’m concerned, Mitt is no better than that guy who did all those things to those people and then those people died a long time ago.  What was his name?  OH YEAH!  George Carlin.

Mitt and the make over

As I’ve stated before I am 100% behind Mitt, maybe even 110% behind him… no just 100%.  That should be enough.  I don’t even give 100% to my job that pays me.  Don’t even ask me how much of a % I give to this blog, cuz if I had to give a number, it would be in the single digits.  Also you would see a minus sign.  So just sayin.

So where was I?

Oh yeah,   Romney needs a make over.  It’s true.  Its no surprise that Romney got my vote a few years ago when I realized that he looked just like Reed Richards from the fantastic four. 

who I want to vote for

who I'm going to vote for

 To my surprise his wife is also blond; unfortunately he doesn't have a brother in law that can fly and turn in to fire.  That would be pretty sweet actually. Hopefully he will have a friend who may not be made of rock, but he could have a nickname like the rock.  That’s what I’m hoping for.  I think you all are too.

                                       
                                                             what I want in a VP

                                                     what I will settle for in a VP

So what does a modern day president have to be in order to fire up the young people?  I’m going to be perfectly honest with you, I’m 33 and I have no clue what the “kids” like these days.  I do know what old people like; they like accomplishment, results, hard work, and a nap around 3.  Romney has 3 out of those 4 nailed.  Now if only he can be president so he can accomplish something.

The youth vote is only interested in flashy things.  They like sweet hair (Justin Bieber) flashy cars (everyone in hip hop) bling (just about everyone in pop culture these days) and someone who can speak on the mic really well.

I now present to you, with any luck, the new Mitt Romney

and this is how we beat Obama in November

SO WHO'S WITH ME?!?!?!?!?!

Fired Up and Ready to Go

It's no secret that I'm not the biggest Romney supporter. All that changed on Wednesday when I read this. I've already written a blog post about it, and gave you some fun facts about Canada. Today I'm here to declare that I am on team Romney. I mean think about it, how bad could he really be? You know at least in comparison to who we have now.

Style is more important than substance these days, just ask anyone with a iPhone. No one cares if it can do what you want it to do, they just care that it does what it says it can do. Unfortunately for America we don’t have either.  come to think of it, I would kinda rather have an iPhone as president right now.

So, in light of these recent events I am volunteering for the Romney campaign in hopes that he listens to just a little bit of my advice in how to conduct himself. I will be giving many suggestions over the coming weeks. Today I present the rough draft for the acceptance speech he's going to give at the RNC. This will be the Romney we all want, not the Romney we will get. A boy can hope though right?

The lights dim, Romney is seen walking out from back stage holding a tumbler filled with ice and a hazy yellow liquid, he blows some smoke back behind stage.

"Good evening my fellow Americans. Today we have an opportunity to take back our country from the segment of the populace that promised us hope, and only brought us hopelessness." (hold for applause)
 

"We have a chance to truly put this country back on the path that our forefathers intended all along." (hold for applause) "Now before those in the media decide to read in to these words and scream racism let me just say... F****** stop it. I know what you're doing and its not going to work." (hold for applause, take sip from glass) "Wow this is some whiskey. (standing ovation)"M y campaign has been called WEAKSAUCE by some in the blogosphere, and rightly so. I am here today to tell you that it will not happen again!" (hold for applause, loosen tie, unbutton top button on shirt)

"Right now we live in a country where unemployment is over 8%, where we spent nearly a trillion dollars to get it there, and where Canadians have more wealth than Americans do. I'm here to tell you now, THAT S*** WONT FLY WITH ME!" (standing ovation)

"American exceptionalism is not something I believe in because its the right thing to say to fire up the base, its something I say because I’ve lived it my entire life. Right now I'm up against a candidate who's entire claim to fame before being elected president was being elected senator, and before that was being elected state senator. I would love to give his credentials before that, but in a huff to get the media to release my tax returns, they forgot to give any information themselves." (Crowd begins the Arsenio Hall chant. Romney looks out to the crowd) "That’s where my dogs at!"

"Today I promise to you, if you... who am I kidding, when you elect me president, I promise to keep taxes where they are at, finally pass a budget, curb spending, and never let Joe Biden speak in public again. In fact, my first act as president will be a constitutional amendment keeping all microphones away from that disaster of a human being... 'cause lets face it. We all know he's going to open his stupid mouth again about something." (standing ovation)

"I promise you that myself and my running mate... DEWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON" (hold for applause) "...will fight the good fight for freedom and proprietary in these here United States.  I will fight for the unborn, I will fight for the newly born. I will fight for those who need a way to get a leg up, but I will not fight for those looking for a hand out. We will find a way to pass meaningful immigration reform, and we will repeal and replace Obamacare. Finally, I will only serve one term in office, because I can think of 2 or 3 guys who are way better than me, but they just aren't ready yet. I figure 4 years from now they should be." (crowd erupts)

"GOD BLESS YOU, AND GOD BLESS AMERICA!" (Romney drops mic, lights something on fire, fans the flames a la Jimmie Hendrix, and walks out)

(cue campaign song)

Yeah I know it seems kinda short right, but when I timed it out including the applause and standing O's it came out to just under 40 minutes.

OK THIS CRAP NEEDS TO STOP NOW

Its no secret, I hate Canada.  Now this isn’t the type of normal hate that comes from a friendly rivalry, I really hate Canada.  I hate Canada like most people hate their ex, or going to the dentist, or Michael Bay.

The reason I bring this up, is because there are some unconfirmed reports out there now about how CANADA HAS MORE WEALTH THAN AMERICANS!

This is Canada here guys.   I live right next door to Canada.  I thought I would give you guys some Canadian facts.

 #1 Their chief export is moose tracks!  Not the ice cream, literal moose tracks.

#2 Their prime minister got the job in a drinking contest!

#3 They still have pictures of the queen of England on their money!

#4 Canada has two seasons, winter, and double winter!

#5 Canada does have free healthcare, but what they don’t tell you is a Canadian dentist is just a guy with a door and a piece of string.

#6 Hockey, Curling, and something called Pine Cone Dancing are their national sports.

I just don’t understand how all this is possible.  How bad of a president do we have when Canada has a stronger dollar and more wealth than America?   You know its funny, liberals for years have been standing up and screaming about how America isn’t the greatest nation on earth, I never believed them till now. 

Canada really should be our minimum threshold for excellence, not the bar we need to reach.  This really should be Romney’s selling point.  “I will give us back the dignity we deserve as Americans, I will make sure we beat Canada at everything”!

The bane of Mitt will be Bane

Its interesting to me, and I'm sure many of you as well that Mitt has to defend his time at a successful company to the country. Honestly I find is pretty crazy that a man that was a Governor, head of a private equity firm, president of the salt lake city Olympic  organization committee, and leader in his church has to sit and defend his record so often. I guess when you're up against a man who's claim to fame before being president was having other people write a book about his life, and putting his own name on the cover, scrutiny will follow.

pictured:  Mitt addresses stock holders circa 1998

We all know that Mitt makes milk toast look exotic, we all know that he's whiter than a Chris Rock stereotype of a republican, but he has one thing Obama lacks. The fundamental understanding of how the world actually works.

I would love to write down, and have you read all the high praise I can give Mitt. Truth is, that's the best I can do. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you how great he is, we all know he's not. I firmly believe that Mitt is a “hold me over” president. We have some great people in the G.O.P. And assuming that none of them are closet gays railing against being gay, or worse yet... mavericks. We can take a few years, regroup and come back swinging.

If it wasn't for Obamacare I would be perfectly fine with riding out another 4 years of Obama. Having the republicans thwart him at every move, and really have him be shown for what he is. A good speaker, with no political savvy what so ever, and a pretty decent golfer. Lets face it, other than who I want to get a beer with, handy cap is my biggest reason for selecting a candidate.

Since Mitt doesn't drink, numbers 1 and 2 go to Obama, however the health care, demonizing the rich, flip flopping on abortion, gay marriage (just pick a side dude) and campaigning against the George Bush policies on terror, and then carrying them out leads me to believe that I really can't trust him so much when it comes to literally anything. Not to mention he general ineptitude when it comes to spreading freedom across the globe.

That last paragraph was incredibly incorrect when it comes to grammar. That should show you how angry I really am.