Monday, August 13, 2012

Keln I Need a Raise

Nearly, or maybe just over one month ago, (where does the time go when you don’t feel like doing the research?) Keln asked me to join Nuking Politics as a co-blogger.  I was elated at the opportunity to finally do some good after my meth conviction.  Here I would be able to finally share my thoughts with, what I assume is a demographic that leans towards such hobbies as blood letting, and crop circle designing.  Once again I haven’t done the research so I’m just assuming.

Times have changed though, and it’s high time I ask for a raise. Cuz lets face it, I need more meth.

Not into making things public, but when I was hired in I was offered a generous salary of $0 per week.  I jumped at the chance due to my struggling finances and thought this would be a good way to supplement my income.  Imagine my surprise when I found out that no money doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Fun fact:  since 1974 the buying power of $0 a week has dropped dramatically.

So its time we renegotiate Keln, and I’m doing it out in the public square.  Here are a few things you need to note.  First off I have a lot of loyalty to you, but has offered me twice what I’m making here.  (Just go with it guys, I’m trying to make a power play here)  I’m not going to ask you to beat their offer, but if you could at least match it I would probably accept.

Also, I really want to unionize.  It’s not going to be easy, but I think we can figure out a way to make both parties happy.  I don’t play nice with others so I will have to start my own union.  Also, since I’m the head of the union I’m going to need another raise since I’m going to be doing 2 jobs. Also If I have grievances I’m going to need a shop steward.  He/me will be responsible for making sure you go along with union regulations.  This will also require another raise cuz that’s now 3 jobs.  Also, how many times can I start a sentence with also?

I also will require some new safety features around the office, and by office I mean my living room.  It’s a short list but they include

  • 2 fire extinguishers
  • 52 inch plasma TV
  • Tree house in my back yard
  • And probably a few other things I will “need” when I realize how much I want them.

You are probably now thinking to yourself.  “Why would I give this guy a raise”?  Well, let me explain.  When you take average page views in to account I get somewhere between 10 and 50 per article.  That number isn’t all that great, but what isn’t shown in the statistics is all the people who don’t click on the page.  Those page views I would estimate being between 700-123,000 page views per story.  So really, if you think about it, I’m doin ok.  Not to mention all the awards I’ve won since I started here at NP.  58 to be exact, and some of them are for writing.

Your move Keln.

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