Mitt Romney Made Me Bald of Cancer

Recently a super PAC released a video pretty much stating what we all were thinking.  Mitt Romney gives people cancer in order to kill them so we can have less poor people.  Or something like that, I really didn’t pay much attention to the video.

Still after all this I want to express my support for team Mitt even though it’s his fault I’m going bald.  It’s true, I am, and it’s his entire fault.  Let me take you through my logic.

Back when I was a young child, without a care in the world I used to have a full head of hair.  It was nice.  Sometimes I would stick my head out the window and let the breeze flow through its silky smoothness and try to imagine how much I was being envied by Kojak. By the way if you’re wondering, it was a lot.

Then sometime in my early 20’s I started noticing a lot more hair on my pillow in the mornings, also in the shower.  This is when I realized that I was going bald.  Nothing I could do about it; or was there?  I found out that a few experimental hair growth formulas were on the market, and like every Baldwin not currently on a sitcom, I needed those drugs.

To my chagrin I found out that they were all prescription drugs.  I wanted to get my hands on them but I had no health insurance.  Suddenly it hit me!  My dad used to work for Domino’s Pizza.  He was a General Manager.  He should have insurance to cover me.  I drove to my dad’s condo in south Detroit (a place that only exists in Journey songs and this story) ran up the steps and started shouting at the top of my lungs.  “DAD DAD DAD I NEED YOUR INSURANCE”.

After what seemed like 2-3 minutes, (but turned out to be an hour and a half) he opened the door and asked me what I was doing at 3 in the morning?  I explained to him that I needed his insurance so I could get some experimental hair restoration.  He sat me down and told me that he hasn’t worked for Domino’s in years.  Even if he did still work for them I was too old to be on his insurance.

I was angry.  First of all, how dare the country I love not let me be on my parent's insurance?  I was only in my early 20’s and completely capable of taking care of myself.  Why should I let my irresponsibility get the better of me?  Second of all, how dare Bain Capitol not allow my father, the man who helped bring me in to this world, to keep his insurance nearly 10 years after he leaves the company?  I just don’t understand how Bain, a Domino’s pizza investor, could let that happen.

 As far as I’m concerned, Mitt is no better than that guy who did all those things to those people and then those people died a long time ago.  What was his name?  OH YEAH!  George Carlin.