Thursday, October 18, 2012

CDC Warning: You Are What You Eat

Associated Press CDC and WHO officials scramble to comprehend the potential threat posed by a newly discovered form of spongiform encephalopathy.  Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (BSE), colloquially known as mad cow disease, is a fatal, neurodegenerative disease which is transmitted to humans by ingesting beef contaminated with the brain, spinal cord or digestive tract of infected cows.  Early today scientists were shocked to discover the existence of Canine Spongiform Encephalopathy (CSE), which they have already begun referring to as mad dog disease. 

Like its bovine counterpart, this disease is transmitted by eating contaminated dog meat.  Unlike mad cow disease, mad dog disease isn’t fatal, but it does result in spongy degeneration of the prefrontal lobe and other parts of the brain.  The symptoms of mad dog disease include the following:

·         Narcissism
·         Delusions of grandeur
·         Paranoia and a sense of victimhood
·         A marked disassociation from reality
·         An inability to reason
·         A desire to be worshiped and to rule
·         Unwarranted feelings of superiority
·         Poofy hair

WHO officials, perplexed by the odd governance of the North Korean Il dynasty, have conducted an investigation and have now discovered clear signs of the pathology in spine and brain samples from Kim Jong Il’s cadaver.  CDC officials also fear that President Obama may have contracted this disease when he ate a dog as a youth in Kenya or from more recently ingesting many of Bo’s decoys, but White House officials refuse to comment on whether the President has agreed to have a sample of his spinal fluid analyzed.

Dr. John Schwartz of the CDC commented, “It would make a lot of sense to discover that the governance of our country for the past four years had been the result of a neurological disorder.  It still doesn’t explain Biden, however.”  Which leads scientists to speculate about the existence of Bozo Spongiform Encephalopathy, or mad clown disease.

Dr. Schwartz disagrees with this hypothesis and has a more frightening theory.  He continues, "What is most troubling is the prospect of the prions mutating and becoming airborne or capable of tranmission through fecal matter, passing along this disease like so much bull crap and hot air.  Results of recent polling may suggest that upwards of 47% of Americans might be infected, and the numbers for Europe and Canada are even more concerning.  We may be facing a global pandemic without a known cure."

To combat the possible spread of the disease throughout the American citizenry, Dr. Schwartz is recommending quarantining all suspected carriers at least until the polls close November 6, 2012.

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