Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Gimme Some of that Old Time Mormon Rage


This is MSNBC interrupting this blog for a special news report.
Maddow: This is Rachel Maddow with MSNBC.  The scene in Salt Lake City is incendiary as what appears to be an angry Mormon mob has laid siege to the Pioneer Memorial Theater where the hit broadway musical The Book of Mormon is premiering.  With me to discuss these shocking events as they transpire are Chris Matthews.
Matthews: Happy to be here.
Maddow: Mike Huckabee via satellite from Arkansas.
Huckabee: Thank you for having me.
Maddow: And also live via satellite, and in her full native regalia, Elizabeth Warren.
Warren: How!  Me heap big brave!  I’m sorry I couldn’t be there in person this evening.  This is the one week a month my family gets together to celebrate our heritage and reenact the famous battles of the French-Indian War.  Can you see the carnage behind me?  Tonight is Custer’s Last Stand.  Whoop, whoop, whoop!  I hate the US cavalry!
Maddow: Ha ha ha.  Don’t we all?  I always loved that battle, by the way.  One of my favorites.  I love it when the good guys win.
Matthews: Looks like a lot of fun.  I wish I could be there with you, Liz.
Warren: So do I. Your scalp would look great on my wall, paleface.
All:  Ha ha ha ha!
Maddow: But if we could get serious for a moment. The fake carnage behind Liz…
Warren: Oh, it’s not fake.
Maddow: The carnage behind Liz is nothing compared to the carnage that will soon, I am sure, be unleashed live before our very eyes.  Let’s pull up the live feed from Salt Lake City.
Matthews: That is a creepy, ominous sight.  There are literally 2-3 dozen people, men and women, dressed in Sunday best.  White shirts.  Suits and ties.  Wingtips.
Maddow: Reminds me of a gathering of mafia hit men.
Matthews: Exactly what I was thinking.  Reminds me of Mitts’ father when he was the governor of Michigan.  You know the Detroit mob is married to Michigan politics.  I don’t know for a fact that Mitt and his father are made men.  I’m just posing the question.
Maddow: And a very interesting question it is. But the really scary thing that I’m noticing is that the mob members don’t look angry and full of rage at all.  And they don’t look cold and calculating.
Matthews: Right.  They’re smiling and happy and laughing.  It's creepy.  It’s like they can’t wait to bloody their hands.  They're reveling in it.
Maddow:  They are looking forward to it with glee.  This is going to be fun for them.  Just another date night out on the town, literally, painting the downtown red with the blood of those who would blaspheme them.
Matthews: But what really spooks me is their drone-like quality.  It’s like they were all made on the same assembly line.  Like little beta-versions of the Romney-bot, herky-jerkily following their programming.  They hadn’t got the design quite right yet.  Less polished, less attractive, more stiff, less perfect hair.
Warren (purring): Indeed.  Such a coif.  I dream about running my knife through Romney’s hair. 
Maddow: But you’ve been awfully quiet, Mike.  May I call you Mike?
Huckabee: No.
Maddow: OK, Mike.  When you ran against Romney for the Republican nomination last time around, you once said that Mormons, like Romney, worship Satan’s brother, so you are clearly an expert on Mormons.  In your expert opinion, just how much of a bloodbath are we in for this evening.
Huckabee: Well, Maddy, I don’t expect any bloodshed at all.  Mormons are generally some of the kindest most morally upstanding people I’ve known.  They act like Christians, even though they aren’t.  It’s just a pity that they worship demons and are going to burn for eternity nonetheless.
Maddow: None?  You expect this to be a peaceful gathering?
Huckabee: Absolutely, Maddy.
Maddow (signals to cut Huckabee’s mike and gives her producer a look that screams, vet my guests better next time, you moron).
Matthews (stepping in): Oh, I couldn’t disagree more.  My thighs are tingling, but it’s not from pleasure.  I’m thrilling with fear, teeming with it.  I’m not sure if the viewers at home can hear the audio clearly, but the mob is singing, hauntingly, eerily and with a zealous fervor.  It’s like in those horror films where the evil, possessed child is going to do something evil and he’s grinning evilly, and the creepy child chorus is playing on the soundtrack so you know just how evil this child is. That is the vibe I am getting here.  I’ve got chills. I can’t believe what we’re seeing is real, that this could really be happening in America today.
Maddow: I know how you are feeling Chris.  My heart just won’t stop racing.  Can you hear the words of the song they are singing?  I think I can make it out:  “The Spirit of God like a fire is burning.”
Matthews: Hearing that just gives me chills.  I mean that imagery.
Maddow: I know what you are saying.  Images of a fiery conflagration.  I think they are building up to a literal burning. 
Matthews: I’m really afraid for those theater goers.  Do you think they might set the place ablaze and roast them in their seats during the climactic ballad?
Maddow: Hearing them now, I think that is a distinct possibility.  It feels like a scene right out of The Wicker Man.
Matthews: And where are the cops?  Why aren’t they doing anything about this?
Maddow: The authorities in that state will never raise their hands against the Mormon Church.  They rule everything.  It is truly a modern day theocracy.  I mean, you can’t even count on the governor to call in the National Guard to deal with these people.  He IS one of these people, and he won’t do anything without orders from the Mormon leadership.  Non Mormons there really have to watch their backs.  It’s like they are living behind some kind of Zion Curtain.
Matthews:  There is just something not right about that whole state.  I don’t think we can even consider it a state in the true sense of the word.  It has seceded from the union in all but name only.  It really needs to be re-conquered and brought in line again.
Maddow: Oh I agree.  Major reeducation is required.  And I think we should make the state a vassal to California until the process is complete, but I’m hearing from my intern.  She’s got her hands on the lyrics of the song the mob is bleating, and it’s even more disturbing than we anticipated.  We’ll get to that after a short word from our sponsor, the ASPCA, who, coincidentally, will be providing the free buffet at the Obama fundraiser this weekend.
Warren: I’m so glad.  My ancestors would use every part of the buffalo, and surely it makes the Great Spirit smile to see that these euthanized animals will not go to waste.
Maddow: Back in a few minutes.
Warren (whispering): Do you happen to know what they will be doing with the pelts?
Commercial Break
Maddow: And we’re back.  Liz had to leave us, saying something about not wanting to miss the traditional raping of the captives.  Meanwhile, we’re still covering what is sure to be a violent and bloody affair at the Pioneer Memorial Theater in Salt Lake City where a raucous Mormon rage mob has thronged the theater, essentially trapping the patrons inside while singing gleefully about burning them to cinders. But their song has even more disturbing implications for a universal, national conflagration.  Here are some of the words they are singing: “Restoring the judges and all as at first.  We’ll sing and we’ll shout with the armies of heaven.”
Matthews: Wow! I mean, wow!  That is a song of bloody revolution if ever I heard one.  They really do want to establish a worldwide Mormon caliphate beginning with the overthrow of America, nonviolent if possible, but violent if necessary.  They are looking for a war.
Maddow: That is why voting for Romney is so scary.  I can envision his first act in office.  Disbanding the Constitution and turning the entire nation over to his so-called prophet.  We would be slaves and thralls under this new order.
Matthews: This is treasonous.  That’s what I’ve been saying all along.  Anyone who votes for Romney should just be hung as a traitor straight up.  And I mean that literally.
Maddow: I agree, but things seem to be heating up a bit.  There seems to be a little bit of an angry outbreak at the outer fringes of the mob.  A small group of people are making a commotion and furiously waving signs.  Zoom in on that.  I’d like to take a look at some of those placards, but first another word from our sponsor, the ASPCA.
Commerical Break
Maddow: And we are back at the very volatile scene in Salt Lake City.  Let’s see if we can read some of those signs.  OK, there’s one: “Your prophet is a liar! He is burning in Hell!  And so will you!”  I’m not really sure what to make of that.  Oh, I have some fresh information from my intern.  That group of people on the fringe aren’t Mormons.  It’s the Tanners from the Utah Lighthouse Ministry. 
Matthews: Oh, I’ve heard of them.  National treasures.  Whenever Mormons are gathered together, the Tanners and their followers are there to counteract them and deprogram them.  Every conference, every temple dedication, they are there yelling, brandishing signs and passing out pamphlets.
Maddow: Oh, they must be incredibly brave.  
Matthews: Absolutely.  Very heroic.  I really admire them. I mean, they are doing this right in the belly of the beast.  It’s like if I were to go to Mecca during the hajj dressed as Mohammed and danced a jig to the tune of Hava Nagila on the Kaaba while juggling burning Qurans. How long would I last?
Maddow (whispering): You can’t say that.
Matthews (whispering):  Oops.  My bad.  We’ll have to fix that in editing.
Maddow (whispering): We’re live, you fool.
Matthews: Of course, I’m just making fun of the false stereotype there.  Muslims don’t mean anyone any harm.  A very docile bunch.
Maddow: But let’s get a look at some of the Mormon signs.  There’s one.  What’s it say? “You want to know the truth about the Book of Mormon?  Best be heading over to Temple Square.”
Matthews: Now that’s a call for wanton decapitation if I’ve ever heard one.
Maddow: And here’s another. “Bless them that curse you…Pray for them that despitefully use you and persecute you.  Matthew 5:44”  
Matthews: Not sure where that reference is from.  That doesn't make sense at all.  I don't understand it.  They sure aren’t quoting me.
Maddow: Ha ha ha ha!
Matthews: But it is clearly a coded call for violence.  A dog whistle forged in blood.  Get ready for some of that old time Mormon rage.
Maddow: But wait.  Things are just about to heat up.  The play is over and the patrons are beginning to exit the building.  The air is thick with menace and the mob is thronging around them, smiling those creepy, vacant smiles.  They are shaking hands with the patrons, surely ready to plunge the knife into their victims’ backs with the other. Prepare to look away.  I can barely stand to look.  They are handing out packages to each of the patrons.  I'm being told that the packages each contain a loaf of banana bread and a Book of Mormon with a note attached which states: “The book is always better.”
Matthews: Sly.  Potassium chloride is undetectable and untraceable.  Very sly.  I know I wouldn’t eat that bread. 
Maddow: Tell me about it.  If the poison doesn’t get you, the carbs will, but it’s time for another break from our only sponsor, the ASPCA.  Following the break we will entertain phone calls from our viewer, but first we will ask a representative from the Obama campaign to explain why Romney likes to mock the handicapped, feed laxatives to seeing eye dogs, replace grandma's heart medication with Fogler's crystals and murder all who dare oppose him.  And if we can find our dear leader on the back nine, he will bless us with his explanation for why Romney and all Mormons are racists and why, indeed, that is also Bush’s fault.  More after the break.

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