Monday, October 1, 2012

State Department Leaks: Osama

The document liberation continues.  This appears to be an old e-mail from Osama to Obama.  Or is it Obama to Osama.  I don't know.  All muslims look alike to me.

Greetings Brother-in-Allah,

Just dropping you a quick reminder that you need to let me know when your naval friends will be visiting.  Got to make sure I have my double in place.  Don't want to mix this one up. LOL

But while I have you, could you do me a favor?  Can you keep your monkey on a tighter leash?  Biden's driving me insane and wasting my time.  Every time I get a new disposable cellphone, he calls almost the instant I turn it on and just says 'First' and hangs up.  Costs me $0.99 every time he does that, and our charitable donations from CARE just aren't coming in like they used to (stupid Bush).  So you really need to restrict Joe's access to all that cellphone data you've been 'legally' collecting. 

And he keeps sending me all these really inane suggestions.  I know he's trying to help and all, but, In the Name of Ali, does that guy even have an IQ? 

For instance, here is a list of terrorism ideas he just sent me, which, in his words, are "guaranteed to bring the Great Satan to his knees." 
  • Call So You Think You Can Dance every week and vote for the least compelling performer.
  • In a highly coordinated attack upon the nation’s water supply, simultaneously pee in every reservoir.  Eat lots of asparagus the night before.
  • Lots of ‘Kick Me’ signs.
  • Wear only white after Labor Day.
  • Start going door-to-door to tell people about the Quran.
  • Toilet-paper the White House
  • In a highly coordinated plan to induce national suicide, simultaneously call radio stations every 30 minutes and request “I Whip My Hair Back and Forth.”
  • Watch Glee on the east coast feed and then tweet spoilers before it is broadcast in the west.
  • In a highly coordinated attack upon the nation’s children, simultaneously steal all the swing seats from the parks.
  • Sneak across the border, contribute nothing to society and leach off of the government.
  • Conduct a highly coordinated chemical weapons attack.   For a month, holy warriors do not bathe, change your clothing or eat anything except for beans.  Then spend the glorious day riding up and down in crowded elevators or in busy subway trains. 
  • No matter where you are or what you are doing, never stop grinning and whistling.
  • Whenever you are in a public restroom, steal all the toilet paper and never flush. 
  • Only wash your hands for 10 seconds instead of the recommended 30.
  • Buy up all of the seats for the first weekend of Breaking Dawn Part 2 and then don’t show up.
  • Vote for the third party.  Throw your vote away.
You know, if you want I can send you some of my older tennis shoe bombs that are past their use by date, very unstable.  Tell Joe he can use them to train for the upcoming Jogging for Jihad fundraiser.  We can start a pool to see how many miles he will run before he reaches paradise (boom).  It will be fun.

Your Man in Pakistan

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