Friday, October 5, 2012

State Department Leaks: Osama's Diary Continued

And the liberation continues.
February 28, 2006
Dear Diary,
Assad’s really turning into a wimp lately. He’s getting a little too soft regarding our new, younger martyrs. He’s insisting that I start a ‘Make a Wish’ type program for them or he won’t send me any more Syrian youngsters. Apparently, the call of the virgins isn’t enough for the prepubescents. They all want to go to Disneyworld or build a snowman in the desert or be an extra on Glee (whatever that is), or meet Shaq (whoever that is). The name sounds muslim enough, so I guess that would be alright, if it weren’t so ruddy expensive. C.A.R.E. hasn’t exactly been coming through with gobs of dough lately. I mean, to save money I’ve had to start refilling inkjet cartridges myself with purple ink we stole from the Iraqi voting stations. It turns out lavender against my standard white printer paper. That’s right, because I can’t afford ink, all those “I’m proud of your little martry” letters now go out in fear-inducing lavender. Might as well print them on pink paper, draw little hearts over all of the i’s and put a little checkbox at the bottom: Do you like me, yes or no?
And Assad wants me to devote funds to fulfilling the dying wishes of his little martyrs-to-be. Isn’t eternal bliss in paradise reward enough? I mean, Mohammed H. Prophet, ammonium nitrate doesn’t grow on trees. Maybe he’ll settle for something on a little less grand scale. Instead of ‘Make a Wish,’ how about ‘Stop Complaining and Enjoy Your Camel Ride and Some Nice Falafel?’  
March 1, 2006
Dear Diary,
Assad’s such a tool. Once again, my problems are solved with Photoshop. Oh yes, Assad. All of your little martyrs got their wishes. Digital photos never lie. I can’t believe they let that pencil-neck run a country.

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