Thursday, November 1, 2012

State Department Leaks: Situation Room - Benghazi

It looks like we've stumbled on to a partial transcript of the proceedings within the Situation Room on 9/11/12.  Here it is entirely unedited.

Barack: But we can’t take military action on foreign soil.  We don’t have proof that it is a terrorist attack. What if we are wrong?

Leon: We have a live feed and communications from soldiers on the ground begging for assistance. What more proof do you need?
Barack: You should already know the answer to that.  How do we determine proof of guilt in America?  What does it say in the Constitution?
Leon: Uh, are you suggesting….
Barack: Of course.  In this country we determine guilt or innocence by a jury of peers.
Tom: I don’t think that was the intent.
Barack: Who is the Constitutional Law professor here? Which of us in this room fits that description?
Hillary: You do.
Barack: You got that right.  And I have sworn an oath to uphold the Constitution, and as Allah is my witness, that is what I will do.
Leon: What? So you want me to round up a dozen staffers real quick like?
Barack: Don’t be absurd. Our staffers aren’t terrorists.  Well, most of them aren’t.  At least I’m certain there aren’t twelve of them.  We need a jury of peers.  Twelve terrorists.
Tom: So are you expecting us to round up twelve terrorists before we take any action.  Where are we going to get twelve terrorists?
Barack: Cripes! Do I have to do everything?  Here is just one more example of how I can do all of your jobs better than you.  Let me ring up my homeboys at GITMO. I’ve got them on speed dial. 
Leon: Wait a minute.  I thought there weren’t any real terrorists in GITMO.
Hillary: Not when they were originally detained, no.  But after being personally mistreated by Bush and Cheney, they are now all hardened terrorists. 
Barack: That’s why I couldn’t shut it down.  It’s all Bush’s fault.  Stupid Bush. (Talking on phone) Hey, Mo. It’s the Obaminator.  What’s up dog?  Round up the crew and head over to the Arts and Crafts room.  They still got Skype in there, right?
Hillary: Are you sure Skype is sufficiently secure?
Leon: Oh, it’s definitely not.
Barack: Whine, whine, whine.  It’s not like I’m going to be broadcasting your social security number and credit card information.  Geez!  You aren’t exhibiting the ‘Yes We Can’ spirit.  Let me hear you say it.
Tom and Leon and Hillary: Yes we can.
Barack: Louder.
Tom and Leon and Hillary: YES WE CAN!

Barack: Yes we can, what?

Barack: That’s more like it. (typing) OK, Big_Kahuna password 123456, and we’re logged in and ready to go.  Let me introduce our jury.  Let’s see, we have Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed, Shah, Osama, Obama, Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed, and Mo. Welcome gentlemen.  Have you selected a foreman?
Mo: That would be me.
Barack: Excellent!  We need a quick ruling from you about whether the attack on the Benghazi Consulate is an act of terrorism or not.  Let me send you all of the relevant top secret information so you can deliberate.  Just a moment while I decrypt it for you.  There we go. And it’s off.  I sent it to you through a facebook message, Mo.  Whoops, I think I may have posted it all to your wall instead.  My bad.  I hate this new interface.  Is there space for Mark Zuckerberg down there?
Mo: Ha ha ha.
Barack: Let me know when you have reached a verdict.
Minutes pass….
Mo: We have a verdict.  Not guilty. Definitely not a terrorist attack.
Hillary: Honestly! How can you believe that this is not a terrorist attack?
Leon: Are you sure we can trust these people?
Barack: Careful, you’re insulting our guests. And, of course we can.  Who understands terrorists better than terrorists?  Why would they lie? Who benefits?
Mo: Oh no, no offense.  We are glad to explain, Allah willing.  You see, there are no terrorists in the world.  Only freedom fighters, like your minutemen, praise Allah. 
Leon: So you’re saying this is a freedom fighter attack?
Mo: Oh no.  Absolutely not.  In the name of Allah, those are not real freedom fighters.  Did you see the bumper sticker on the humvee? 
Tom: The one that said: My Other Car is a Bomb?
Mo: Yes, yes, that is the one.  No freedom fighter would use that.  That smacks of the influence of the Great Satan, Allah curse him.  Those are not real freedom fighters.  This is clearly a conspiracy of Romney and the Jews.  Those aren’t freedom fighters.  They are actors and stunt men from Jew-controlled  Hollywood.  Paid for by Romney and Netanyahu to embarrass you, get you to start another war in the Middle East and lose the election.  That is not the real consulate, but a movie set, like the ones they use in Palestine only better.  If you get involved militarily, you will be bombing a peaceful Libya, bombing children flying kites and skipping and eating hummus.
Barack: So what do you propose we do?
Mo: Do nothing, in the name of Allah.  Here is a link to an offensive anti-Muslim YouTube video, also produced by Romney and his Jew friends, may Allah crush them.  Blame it on this while you investigate.  When your investigation uncovers the truth, Allah willing, you will be vindicated. 
Barack: You guys are bloody brilliant!  See you next weekend. (Logs off)
Hillary: This seems awfully far-fetched. 
Leon: I agree. Are you sure we can trust them on this?
Barack: I’m getting tired of having you ask that same question.  This was a verdict decided upon by a jury of peers.  Do you question the wisdom of our Founding Fathers?  Take it up on appeal.  Besides, they’ve never failed me before.  When I needed to convince the skeptical world that my election meant the end of Al Qaeda and no one believed me, they helped me arrange the death of the man who played Osama bin Laden. They even suggested ditching the corpse before it could be properly identified.  Now everyone knows terror is dead. 
Hillary: You do realize the consequences should you be wrong about this?
Barack: Of course.  You and Leon take the fall.  Didn’t you read the fine print in your employee contract?  I drive a big bus, Mrs. Bill.
Hillary: I told you not to call me that.
Barack: Viva Las Vegas, toots.  I’m outta here. 
Hillary: (mumbling) Breathe, breathe.  Less than two months and I can vote against this loser. Patience.

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