Tuesday, April 30, 2013

What a Drag it Will Be Getting Old

Like Nancy Pelosi, I finally got around to reading The Affordable Care Act, and like the government, I’d like to exempt myself from it as well.  I didn’t bother reading it earlier because I was really hoping the Supreme Court would come through for me, so I know I am rather late to the party.  Based upon what I’ve seen tucked away in this law, here are some of the consequences I expect we will be seeing shortly as the implementation continues.
·         Unlike in the Cuban system, rats in operating rooms will not be required to wear surgical garb.
·         Instead of merely pulling the plug on grandma, they will go with the much more entertaining and lucrative Shooting with the Stars or Least Dangerous Game options.
·         Much of the increased revenues needed to fund the new program will come from a nationwide lottery program titled Gambling For Your Life.
·         While we won’t have to worry about back alley abortions anymore, we will need to worry about back alley appendectomies, back alley by-passes, back alley chemotherapy, back alley hip replacements…..
·         All hospital TV sets will be required to continuously stream Sicko.
·         Anesthesia will still be available for a nominal fee.
·         We won’t have to worry about those pesky nurses waking us every hour to take our pulse and our blood pressure or our temperature. Of course, we also won’t have to worry about them changing our bedpans or our sheets or our hospital gowns…..
·         In order to qualify under the program, hospital emergency rooms must minimally be equipped with a saw, a blow torch and a bitin’-stick.
·         To further fund the program, whenever a patient undergoes a surgical procedure, the government is allowed to harvest any 'redundant' organs to sell on the black market.
·         Anyone living on a federal pension gets first dibs on the black market organs.
·         We won’t have to worry about wealthy foreigners from countries with socialized medicine coming here and using our medical resources anymore.
·         Anyone found praying on hospital grounds will be hit with the $25 prayer tax.  Muslims and other non-Christians are exempt.
·         The head of the federal oncology treatment panel is Dr. Kevorkian.
·         Given the expected waiting period to see a doctor, all babies will be born before the first prenatal visit, and most abortions will be scheduled when the baby is between 2 and 3 years of age.
·         The Time Life series on Civil War and Down Home surgical techniques will sell out the first seventeen printings.
·         Starting out with just a pocketknife, a Hoover and a dream, I expect to make a killing with my new chain of Liposuction/Cooking Lard Huts.
·         Solyent Green will indeed be people.

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