Thursday, July 25, 2013

Classic Nuke - Super American Power Strike Force Obama Crises Team

[From the Nuking Politics Archives: Super American Power Strike Force Obama Crises Team originally posted August 6, 2012. ]

Super American Power Strike Force Obama Crises Team...Forward!

So, I was reading the other day about how, when Mitt Romney was at Bain Capital, one of his fellow evil greedy rich Bain directors had a crises come up. His 14 year old daughter went missing for days. Romney assembled, like everyone in the company, to go to New York City and physically look for her, while calling in favors with various corporate connections to get flyers made, hire a private investigator, and dispense information to the media...all on their personal dime. He basically shut down Bane Capital as long as it took to find the girl...and she was found eventually by the police, barely alive from a drug overdose in New Jersey. 

It got me thinking, that's pretty incredible how focused and selfless Romney was in such a critical moment, so how would Obama respond in the same kind of situation? So, as a little mental exercise, I took what we know about the President and applied it to a mock crises situation. That's how crises command centers and emergency personnel train, you see. I figured I'd pick an easy one for the President, and run through how he would take command of the situation. In this scenario, Joe Biden goes missing.


The President is awakened at 0500 hours and informed that nobody has seen or heard from Vice President Biden in over 12 hours. His pants were still in his bedroom, but his teddy bear was also missing.

The President calls an emergency meeting of his cabinet to discuss the situation. After talking over it with his advisors for about five minutes, he makes the executive decision to not cancel his 0930 tee time.

At approximately 11:36 am, on the 15th hole, the President is informed that Biden is still unaccounted for and that the Secret Service, still hungover from last night, have no leads on his whereabouts. The President makes the executive decision to play the full 18 before heading back to his war room.

The President assembles his advisors again at 2:15 pm to discuss developments with the Biden situation. His cabinet informs him that there have been no developments and that the Vice President is still missing without a trace and without his pants. Obama makes an executive decision to carry on with the evening's fundraising dinner plans at the White House.


At the morning cabinet meeting, the President is informed that the Biden situation has still not changed. The President makes an executive decision to continue with the day's plans, including a lovely late breakfast with some union leaders, a tee time at 1:00 pm, and a tour of a construction site in D.C. Late that evening, at approximately 11:47 pm, the President is informed that Biden's pants have now gone missing.

The President makes an executive decision to place a phone call to Valerie Jarrett for further on the matter.


At approximately 0815 hours, the President assembles his staff and advisors and makes an executive decision to do what Valerie told him to do and create a crises team to handle the Biden situation. The public will now be informed that the Vice President has "just" gone missing, and that President Obama will be heading up the team himself in an effort to find his good friend, Mr. Biden.

Several matters are discussed before going public to hammer out the details of the team and what it is that must be done. Of top priority is naming the team. A consensus is made to name it the "Super American Power Strike Force Obama Crises Team", or SAPSFOCT. The second item on the agenda is donuts or muffins. This almost causes a rift between team members until the President, in his wisdom, establishes that there will be bran muffins...because Michelle said so.

Several important decisions must be ironed out before going public, and so the SAPSFOCT decides to wait until the next day to begin their search for Biden and apprising the public of the situation. Examples of these important details include:
• Using an approved 100% recycled paper product for flyers, which must be shipped in from Canada.
• Deciding whether to focus on Biden or his pants first. The decision is made to go after his pants.
• Mobilizing the entire National Guard to look for Biden's pants.
• Alternating donuts and muffins.
• Using union workers to hang Biden flyers at an agreed-upon $75/hr.
• Establishing SAPSFOCT as a source of green jobs.
• Inviting prospective campaign donors to honorarily join SAPSFOCT for a donation of $50,000.
• Purchasing a new SAPSFOCT mobile command center bus, also from Canada.

DAY 23

The President informs Americans on live television that the Vice President has gone missing and that he (Obama) has quickly assembled a team to deal with this crises, sparing no effort or expense to locate his missing friend. Having committed the full spectrum of forces at his disposal and securing funding of up to $325 Billion dollars towards the search, he feels confident that the Vice President will be found. As the President vows to never rest until Joe Biden is located and home safe, the aforementioned missing Vice President walks up next to him clutching his teddy bear and says:

"Has anyone seen my #%@!^&* pants?"


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