Monday, November 4, 2013

Nuke the Punchline - Google's Gimmick...

Harvey over at IMAO has posted a new straight line of the day, so it is time to choose the winners of the last one:

Google Has Built a Mysterious Offshore Facility Near San Francisco. Its Purpose…

#5 Steve H: … is a safe house for S.F.’s remaining heteros.

#4 walruskkkch: None really, just a major corporation wasting billions to confuse and confound us. Sort of like the government that way.

#3 Dohtimes:…is a result of the USA not being big enough to contain all of Google’s awesomeness.

#2 Oppo:  … Google-land’s Island.

And my favorite straight line of the day was from coldguy:

Google Has Built a Mysterious Offshore Facility Near San Francisco. Its Purpose……WORLD DOMINATION!

Using Google maps and Google Earth, the accelerometers of every Android device, and harnessing the processing power of countless idle computing cycles (you should really read their EULA sometime!) Google has computed that the next big earthquake will hit the San Andreas fault November 1 2016, and that it will cause California to break off and sink into the ocean.

This will leave the Google barge as the only legal address left in California from which anyone can vote, and Google execs will be the only ones on board.

With the largest number of electoral votes of any state, they will have transformative power to reshape government. Amidst the devastation of 8 years of Obama, Obamacare, Obamaconomy, Congressional gridlock and ineffectiveness, and with the presidency, one-third of the Senate, and the full House of Representatives up for election, this will be the time to strike!

Using data collected from Gmail, Picasa, Google +, and Crome browser histories, they will be able to “convince” one of the two national political parties to do their bidding, or have their dirty laundry aired via YouTube, Gmail, Google search, and every other form of media, which Google is already in control of. Whichever party agrees more quickly, will recieve unprecedented campaign promotion through the aforementioned channels, and be swept to an assured victory. There will be no chance of failure, as any citizen identified by Google as likely to oppose the Google sponsored candidates will be be guided by Google Maps to an “alternate polling place” holding facility, until the actual polls close.

Once Google is in full control of the most powerful nation on Earth, the planet will be transformed into a utopian society, not unlike that in ’1984', ‘Brazil’, or Disney’s ‘Wally’, where all is good as long as everyone stays in line and doesn’t take off their Google Glass.

Resistance is futile!

 Cookies to coldguy!

and today's best kiss uppers were  rodney dill, walruskkkch, FormerHostage and Dohtimes:

Google Has Built a Mysterious Offshore Facility Near San Francisco. Its Purpose…

rodney dill…to hold all the Anonymiss cookies a certain walrus can eat. [It'd better be BIG!]

walruskkkch:. . .Clandestine lab to try and replicate Anonymiss cookies. [Good luck with that! Mine have a secret ingredient...]

FormerHostage:…is to provide a “Black Site” for Anonymiss to “disappear” walnuts! [Awww. That's sweet of them. :) ]

Dohtimes:…storage for Anonymiss’ cookies, land based cookies will suffer greatly from rising oceans after Obama leaves office. [Hahahaha :) ]

Kiss up Cookies to rodney dill,
 walruskkkch, FormerHostage and Dohtimes!

My favorite line from yesterday was from Dohtimes:

Now that the obesity rate in Mexico exceeds that of the United States, Michelle Obama...will call for wider openings in the border fence, and more of those little electric scooters..

Cookies to Dohtimes!

Here's a new line for you to try:

President Obama says "I want to put the fear of God in all of you" by...


  1. ...creating a new government program to distribute free God Fear to hard-working middle-class families in need all across America.

  2. by calling him by the name all and sundry should call him by, as I do. ALLAH!

  3. ... reminding us that in a few years his staffers will be running for office, just like Clinton's bobo McAuliffe is running now.

  4. ...frowning like a vengeful God when you question me, even though vengeance is mine sayeth the dude in the mom jeans but I can have you audited is the closest to scripture you'll get from my teleprompter Jesus.

  5. ...letting Biden play with the nuclear football.