Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Nuke the Punchline: 3 a.m. and a Phone Rings in the White House

Harvey over at IMAO has another straight line of the day up, and so it is time to pick the winners of the last one:

It's 3 a.m. A phone rings in the White House...

#5 Joan of Argghh!: ...Romney says, “No, Obama, for the last time, I haven’t seen your diamond-studded roach clip laying around.”

#4 Bob in Feenicks:
Obama answers the phone, “Hello?”
“(Heavy breathing) Oooh baby, you are so &$# hot. I wanna $%@ your @*# so bad. I’m going to *&#$ you till you scream my name!”
“I told you before stop calling me, you pervert,” Obama slams the phone down and get back in bed.
Michelle rolls over, “Chris Matthews again?”
“That guy’s got problems.”

#3 CTCompromise: ...Obama searches for his teleprompter as the phone keeps ringing.

#2 Slapout:
"Hey Billy, can you come pick me up?"
"Joe, the name’s Barack. And it’s 3 o’clock in the morning. Why are you calling me?"
"Well Bobby, I’m not really sure where I am. I see a McDonald’s. Does that help?"
"What? Where’s your Secret Service detachment?"
"They dumped me again. We stopped for ice cream at this little truck stop. I went to the bathroom and when I came back they were all gone. Can you help me out Bart?"
"It’s Barack!!

And the best punchline goes to Yosoff:

It's 3 a.m. A phone rings in the White House...

Obama: “Who dares disturb the rest of the great and wonderous O?”
Caller: “Mr. President, there’s a situation developing in China that requires your attention.”
Obama: “I’ll have the sweet and sour poodle with brown rice.”
Caller: “No Mr. President, China the country. You are needed in the situation room.”
Obama: “Are my advisers in available?”
Caller: “Yes sir, Secretary Clinton and General Dempsey are already in the room.”
Obama: “What about Biden? He’s the foreign affairs expert for my glorious and all-powerful administration.”
Caller: *Stunned silence*… “He’s on his way. He got lost again and wandered out into the Rose Garden, but the Marine guards are escorting him now.”
Obama: “Excellent, those corpsemen are rather useful. You know, I couldn’t have personally killed Osama bin Laden 17 times without them. What can you tell me about China?”
Caller: “Mr. President, the details are too sensitive to discuss outside of the situation room.
Obama: “Just give me some basic background so I don’t look foolish in front of the Admiral again. China is the 56th state, right? The one with the toys and plates?”
Caller: “The Chairman is a General, Mr. President, Admirals are the ones with the boats, remember? There are only 50 states, I know you keep counting more stars than that, but please trust me on this one. China is a whole separate country on the other side of the world, they are our biggest rival both economically and militarily.”
Obama: “That was really boring, just the thing I needed to get back to sleep. Tell Hillary to just follow Joe’s lead as usual. *Click*”

Congratulations Yosoff!

Now here's a line for you guys to meddle with:

Obama's got a brand new...


  1. way to lower his golf score. After each stroke, he simply declares "I didn't hit that."

  2. campaign strategy. He's going to focus on the issues facing our nation: the economy, jobs, infrastructure.

    Psyche! just kidding, bro. War on women, Romney's tax returns...ummm...hurricanes are cause by Republicans?

  3. Obama's got a brand new...
    pair of rollerskates, Reggie's got a brand new key

  4. Obama's got a brand new... Bag (of choom)

  5. . . . Volt. He got it at a fire sale.

    . . . bib with a little doggie.

    . . . face. It's a Nancy hand-me-down.

  6. Obama's got a brand new ventriliquist act for the White House correspondent's dinner. Joe Biden sits on his knee and says whatever's on his mind. The Republicans in the room laugh at the two, the Democrats in the room laugh with the two, and all the journalists recoil in horror as they realize they've got to figure out a way to make the big-eared dummy the star of the event.

  7. ...resume, here's hoping he needs it.

    ...calculator; it was a gift from Paul Ryan.

    ...recurring nightmare - Sorry Barry, those are the real poll numbers, not a dream.