Friday, August 3, 2012

Punchline Nuker of the Week: August 3, 2012

Well, it has been a week since the last Punchline Nuker of the Week award was given out, and it is time to pick another award winner.

This week, we had a tie. At 7 points apiece, it was between Hadsil (aka Unknown) and Andrew Felsher (aka The Guffy Conservative). Why do both of these guys have aliases? Very strange..

Anyway, like Highlander, there can be only one, and so I went through the various punchlines these two fine writers came up with and chose the winner based on what I felt was the best punchline of them all.

So without further ado, the winner of this week's Punchline Nuker Award goes to Andrew Felsher.

Congratulations! Here is your Major Award:

And if you are curious which punchline I chose as the best, it was this one:

At a White House staff meeting, Obama said:

Barack Obama: “I’d like to begin this meeting, as usual, with a list of my accomplishments. One: I personally killed Osam-”
Valerie Jarret: “Harumph!”
Barack Obama: “-Bin Laden. Two: I swiftly surpassed Bush in golfing time. We were criticizing him for not golfing enough, right?”
Joe Biden: [unintelligible string of profanity]
Barack Obama: “Joe, we talked about this. Put a quarter in the swear jar.”
Joe Biden: “I’m all out. I used up all this month’s allowance just trying to find this room.”
Barack Obama: “Then just take one from Pete.”
Pete Rouse: “But I need that money for lunch. You can’t have it.”
Barack Obama: “You’re racist.”
Pete Rouse: “…because I want to keep my money?”
Barack Obama: “Yes. Doing things with your money other than what I tell you to is racist.”
Pete Rouse: “…”
Barack Obama: “Now where was I? Ah, yes. Three: I earned a Nobel Peace Prize.”
Joe Wilson: “You lie!”
Barack Obama: “HOW DID YOU EVEN GET IN HERE?!! Security! … Security!”
Alyssa Mastromonaco: “You sent them all out for dog-hunting.”
Joe Wilson: “You mean for hunting dogs?”
Alyssa Mastromonaco: “Did I stutter?!
Joe WIlson: “That’s disgusting.”
Barack Obama: “I WILL KILL YOU!
Nancy-Ann DeParle: “Oh, no.”
David Plouffe: “Oh, no!”
Robert Gibbs: “Oh, no!
Kool-Aid Man: “Oh, yeah!”
Joe Biden: “What the ($&# *$(# (@#&*#& ($&* is going on?!!”
Leonard Nimoy: “I believe you liberals have been denying reality for so long, you’ve collectively lost the ability to distinguish between fact and fiction. It’s only logical.”
Zombie Reagan: “Now put a dollar in the swear jar, Joe. And the rest of you get out. I’m taking over.”
Americans: “Huzzah!” 


  1. I demand a recount! Where's Al Gore when you need him?

    1. All decisions are final and were made based on a complex computer algorithm backed by science and the flipping of a coin.

      There's always next week!

  2. I used "Guffy Conservative" back when I cared about anonymity, which I no longer do. I only just realized you could even change WordPress usernames.