Sunday, September 16, 2012

Lactose the Intolerant? Who the Heck is He?

Yes, I was surprised as well when Keln extended the offer to me to contribute to his blog.  Like I told him, I kind of feared that I was perceived as the weird, creepy, annoying guy prowling around the comments whilst living behind the library dumpsters where I could leach the free wifi.  Fortunately, that stage of my life is in the past.  Now I’m a 42 year old father of five with a Master’s Degree in bioengineering, and I’ve spent the last 21 years of my life as a process engineer for one of those evil pharmaceutical companies the left is always haranguing about.  Contrary to popular opinion, I’ve never once heard maniacal laughter ringing down from the hallway of the kings where the executives reside.  When I started with the company, there were about 25 employees and no commercial products.  Now it is a multi-billion dollar company with over 15,000 employees worldwide.  I have seen firsthand how wealth and jobs are created in America, and it was done in spite of not because of the government, which is one of the reasons I consider the attitudes of the current administration so personally offensive.
Like I said, I was surprised when the invitation was extended.  It was humbling, and it is with a fair amount of trepidation that I accept.  None has ever said I was blessed with the eloquence God grants a monkey, let alone an atomic one, so I will have to make do with my simple prose.
Like Keln, I consider myself a classical liberal.  I personally believe that the founding fathers were inspired by God to found this nation upon the principals espoused in the Declaration of Independence and applied in the Constitution.  As it was originally constituted, it was a beacon and example to the world.  It is with sadness that I consider the steps the government has taken over the last century and continues to take now to move away from these principals to embrace philosophies that only lead to ruin.  It is time to shake off the apathy in this country and to awake and arise.  It is time to shout ‘no more’ and act to reverse the encroachment of our liberties and to return to the principals that make this country great.  Trite? Probably. Hackneyed? Absolutely But true nonetheless.
But anyway, I rather expect I’m preaching to the choir now.  I would like to thank Keln for this opportunity and hope I can live up to expectations.
One last thing.  Unbeknownst to Keln, I happen to have a contact in the administration. My friend’s father-in-law works in the State Department reporting directly to Hillary Clinton (I’m not joking.  This is true).  Since this administration seems to leak like something filled with holes, i.e. Joe Biden’s bladder, Nancy Pelosi’s frontal lobe and Andrew Sullivan’s logic, I expect to have some juicy insider tidbits in the near future.  (For those of you paying attention, this is what is known in the business as a ‘tease.’ It’s a type of foreshadowing designed to entice the reader to want to come back for more.  According to both my high school English teacher and Berke Breathed, foreshadowing is an element of superior writing and blogging.  Look for it in the future.  One never sees foreshadowing at Instapundit or NRO, for instance.  I’m just saying).


  1. Ah! Ah! Ah! A fellow Berke Breathed fan! Hallelujah! Oh, this is going to be fun.

    Also, please don't lose sight, at least where I'm concerned, of two things: 1) My "elloquence" is a studied pretense, and 2) My wife looks forward to me reading comments by "Lactose the Intolerant" far more than she does to me bending her ear for my own works. For what it's worth, we both consider you to be far funnier!

    Finally, on all counts, consider this member of your audience properly teased.

    1. I still mourn Bloom County on occasion and have to pull out the collection.

  2. hello, ya bastard ya! make with the funny!

    or at least some more Joe Biden jokes...

  3. welcome aboard lactose, and hunter... the bar around here is very high because I'm super funny and awesome. you know unless it comes to spelling and punctuation. I'm not saying its going to be a competition around here or anything, but I'm totally going to be competing with you guys.

  4. Just wanted to say I've been reading your material here, and I'm liking the cut of your jib.

    I think Keln picked a winner with you.