Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Be Afraid.....

You know how I can tell the Presidential Debate is coming soon?  My inbox is being absolutely flooded with scary spam from the DNC telling me how apocalyptic a Romney Presidency will be.  Debbie has really let all the stops out this year.  She’s not just trying to scare the poor and the elderly and the minorities anymore.  She’s also trying to scare gays and women.  Really beefing up the War on Women rhetoric.  Look at what she claims we can expect should Obama lose in November.

·         The return of the beehive hairdo.
·         People will be seen wearing white after Labor Day.
·         Genetically flawed women (i.e. headstrong, opinionated, disobedient, B-cup or smaller, etc.) will be slowly eliminated through a revival of eugenics beginning with the forced sterilization of Sandra Fluke and anyone else who wants the government to pay for their birth control.
·         All non-sensible shoes, like Uggs, will be banned.
·         Salonists will spontaneously combust.
·         Handicapped children will be tarred and feathered and mocked mercilessly.
·         Glee will be cancelled and replaced with reruns of The Dukes of Hazard and Grizzly Addams.
·         Beginning at age 12, all females will be equipped with mandatory anti-talking collars.
·         NASCAR viewing will be mandatory.  Whether in person or at home, all women will be legally required to flash at least one driver per lap.
·         A 33% VAT tax on home decorating supplies.
·         HGTV will be replaced with 24 hours of Glenn Beck reruns, sports highlights and hillbilly hand fishin’.
·         Divorce will be made illegal, but it will be legally allowed to trade unwanted wives for liquor, food or guns or to leave them trussed in the woods with a necklace made of meat.
·         In anticipation of the inevitable economic collapse, polygamy will be made legal, and the stockpiling of wives for use as barter will be actively encouraged.
·         Poor people will be killed, broken down into their component chemicals and made into cheap homespun fabric to be worn by the house slaves of the wealthy.
·         Global warming will cause the entire Jersey Shore to become submerged in the ocean. Surviving Jersey Shorites will be free to spread throughout the rest of the country, endangering us all with their nearly fatal Jersey virus, termed by scientists Douchivine Spongiform Encephalopathy (DSE), or, colloquially, Mad Douchebag Disease.
·         Flowbee use will be mandatory throughout all the contiguous 48 states and Alaska and Hawaii.
·         Senior citizens will be left out at night as prey to assuage the starving polar bears that have fled from the melting ice caps.
·         Habeas corpus will be suspended, and Oprah, Ellen, Rachel Ray, Martha Stewart, The View and their ilk will be placed in forced labor camps making the chains needed for slavery’s triumphant return.


1 comment:

  1. Wow. Divorce, B-cups, opinionated women, and flowbees all in the same post. And I thought you had forgotten me.