Saturday, October 6, 2012

Did You Hear About That Thing He Did?

One thing I’m getting really tired of is the way the media nitpicks all of these little things about the Republican candidates, blowing them out of proportion and wasting everybody’s time talking about these inane distractions while the important issues are ignored.  It always takes days to debunk these stupid driveby accusations.  I think it’s time to fight fire with a fire extinguisher.  Let’s blast the airwaves with baseless accusations about Obama.  Well, they aren’t really baseless.  I’m going to assume each of these is true until Obama can satisfy me otherwise.  I’ve put the stories I’ve heard about below, and I'm sending them to the AP.  AP, I dare you to disprove them.

·          He met Michelle at a family reunion.  She was the hired stripper.
·          Everything he knows about the economy he learned from losing at Monopoly.
·          In the early 90s, three impoverished inner city families were crushed to death when their community, organized by a fledgling Barrak, wasn’t organized properly.  Bush Sr. was blamed.
·          He’s been spending so much time on the golf course because he and Tiger Woods have secretly traded places.  In 2013, they plan on selling the movie rights of their escapades to Warner Brothers.
·          He has yet to wash his hand since he met Justin Beiber and Justin let him touch his hair. 
·          His foreign policy decisions are based upon the secret, coded messages he’s been receiving in the Craigslist escort advertisements.
·          As a teenager, he wanted to be a Nascar driver, but, unable to distinguish left from right, he kept turning the wrong way and crashing his choom-wagon into the crowds.
·          He spends most of his day hiding in the White House basement playing World of Warcraft.  Unbeknownst to him, his love interest in the game is played by Harry Reid.
·          He’s not really black.  He just dressed up as Al Jolson one Halloween and really fell in love with the look.
·          He can talk to plants, but most plants refuse to acknowledge him.
·          Often confusing his Midwest and Middle East policies, he almost ordered a drone bombing raid on an Omaha strip mall.
·          For the first three months of his term, he kept pressuring Robert Gates to eliminate surfboarding at Gitmo.
·          When asked if he’d ever snorted coke, he admitted that he had, but that he didn’t like it.  The carbonation tickled his nose.
·          His initial plan to reduce the federal deficit involved allocating $500,000,000 of federal funds to his plan, road tripping to Atlantic City and betting it all on black.
·          When asked to name the heroine he most admired, he replied: Columbian Black Tar.
·          He originally became a Democrat in an attempt to distance himself from his childhood nickname of Dumbo.  Unbeknownst to him, he was also referred to as a braying jack a$$ behind his back.
·          When reporters asked him about his progressive policies, he said he couldn’t stand that annoying lady in their commercials, but she was better than the alligator in the Geico ads.  He personally used Allstate because they had a black spokesman who played a president on TV.

No comments:

Post a Comment