Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Nuking Politics Exclusive Interview with Joseph Biden

In anticipation of his debate with Paul Ryan Thursday evening, Vice President Biden agreed to sit down with me to talk about his plans and strategies for the event.  I kind of feel some sympathy for Jim Lehrer now.  Biden seemed a bit hard to control, but in the end, I think it lets the candidate show through. (Mild content warning.  The Vice President got a little bit off color at times).

NP: To begin I’d just like to say how appreciative I am that you would take the time to meet with me, Mr. Vice President.
Biden: No, no, no.  Call me Joe.  Glad to be here this morning to talk to the good folks at nukingpolitics.  Salt of the earth.  Though I must admit I’ve never read your blog and don’t know anyone who has.  You said it’s kind of like Daily Kos?
NP: Yes absolutely.  Your secrets are safe with us.
Biden: That’s good to know.
NP: But first, let’s deal with the elephant in the room.  Last week’s debate.  The consensus is that the President got creamed.  Worst debate loss in recorded history.  Many have put forth the idea that he can’t come back from this.  What is the feeling within the Obama camp?  Is it time for him to throw in the towel on his race?
Biden: What?  Of course not.  He can’t quit being black.  Ha ha ha.  I kid.  I think you’ll find that Slow Joe ain’t quite as slow as you think.  But listen.  This was no big deal.  Just another bump in the road.  Like the many, many others.  Anytime you are on a bus with Barrak, you are going to be in for a bumpy ride.
NP: So you aren’t going down without a fight?
Biden: Absolutely not.  This fight is far from over.
NP: Is there something you’ve learned from last week’s fiasco?  How are you preparing and what will you be doing differently?
Biden: The first thing we have to do to bounce back from last week is to make the President look good again.  The focus of this debate is all going to be about contrast, creating a very clear contrast.  I’m planning on getting my a** whipped, beaten so badly I might not survive.  Our dear leader may have looked bad last week, but compared to me, he’ll look completely deified again.  Obama may have been beaten badly, but boy howdy did Biden take a thrashing.  The President isn’t so bad after all.  That is the contrast we are trying to make.  Plus, it will leave the striking image with the American voting public of a young, pretty boy Ryan thrashing an old man while Romney and the Republicans gleefully cheer him on.  I know I don’t look it, but I am a senior citizen.  If they revel in treating a harmless old man so poorly, what will they do to granny?  And gimps? And babies? And fags? And fetuses?  Well maybe not fetuses, but you get the point.  At the very least we will get Florida solidly back into the blue column.
NP: How, exactly, are you preparing for a debate like that?
Biden: We’re sticking with our team of tried and true Massachusettians.  Nobody knows Romney better.  We’re bringing Kerry back.  He was so masterful at making Obama ill-prepared, we’re sure he can do the same for me.  But we can’t just settle for Obama/Kerry bad.  We need to do worse.  We need to add to the mix, so we’re bringing in Elizabeth Warren too?
NP: What role will she be playing?
Biden: She will be there to repeatedly kick me in the crotch.  Gotta steel myself.  Toughen up.  Prepare for those low blows.  Get ready to take a beating.
NP: Are you sure that is a wise approach?
Biden: I know what you are thinking.  It could be risky, but Liz is a professional.  She can control her Native American bloodlust.  She won’t take things too far.  Besides, my scalp isn’t real anymore, and she is a real purist when it comes to that.  Have you seen her collection?  And the third Massachusetts man on the team, Barney Frank, has kindly volunteered to massage the blood back into me.  Make sure there are no permanent injuries. 
NP: No, I meant, are you sure planning on losing badly will really be an effective approach?
Biden: In the words of our dear leader, let me be clear.  I’m a blue collar guy.  Love the Rocky movies.  Love ‘em.  You remember what happened when that black guy with the Mohawk boxed that other black guy without the Mohawk.  That’s the only way I can tell them apart, you see, their hair.  Funny story there.  The other day Barrak was dressed all up in his tux for some reason.  What do I do?  I beckon him over and tell him to fetch my robe, slippers and pipe.  But then he started scolding me in a very clean and articulate manner, and I realized, oops it was the boss.  Boy, was my face red.  I’d mistaken him for one of my house Negroes.  Can you believe it?   I challenge you to tell them apart.  Great affirmative action program there, though.  Really helping get those inner city kids into government jobs.  Jobs we created for them.  Where would they be without me?  On the street with no hope and no way to help themselves.  They just can’t make it on their own.
NP: But you were talking about Rocky. 
Biden: Oh yes, let me continue being clear.  So that black guy with the Mohawk killed that other black guy.  And the black guy with the Mohawk also beat Rocky up real good.  How did that make you feel?  Who were you rooting for?  Not the black guy with the Mohawk.  The Romney campaign is the black guy with the Mohawk.   Our dear leader is Rocky and I, heaven willing, will be the other black guy that gets beaten to death.  I can think this way because I don’t see skin color, you see.  I’m ok being a black guy in the analogy.  But, who did you want to see win?  Who won in the end?  The white guy, right?  You see what I’m saying?
NP: Kind of.
Biden: And with this morale boost and new found sense of self esteem, our dear leader will bring his charisma and quick wit to bear in the next series of debates.  Cause, you may not know this, but Barrak is a really funny guy.  He is now, anyway.  Now that Sasha installed the new iTelepromptor app on his iPhone.  He can be prompted during all his daily interactions now, not just the speeches.  It will really make him a better President during the next four years.  I mean, here’s another funny story.  Liz comes over with her steel toe boots to help with the debate prep.  How does Obama greet her?  Wait.  There’s an app for that.  iTelepromptor to the rescue.  He sees her and says, “How.  Me Barrak, big tree.”  Reads it right off the screen.  Liz goes berserk.  Really infuriated.  Says that offends her ancestry.  Calls him a racist.  Takes a kick at him.  Being a good VP, I took the blow for him.  Thank goodness Barney just arrived.  As we were leaving to practice, Liz calls back to him, “Big tree my pale, white a**.  That’s not what Michelle told me.”  It’s funny because Barrak has a tiny, wee willie.  It’s from his white side.  At least, that was what Rahm always said, and he would know.
NP: Are you sure you should be talking about these things?  I’ll cut that out in edit.
Biden: Oh no.  This information needs to get out there.  Poorly endowed white folk are overwhelmingly for Romney.  We want them to know we are on their side.  We feel their pain.  Well, Barrak feels their pain.  I’m free and clear as far as that goes.  Hung like the Democratic mascot.  Liz has a big target.
NP: That was all very interesting, but we have time for one last question.  There was a question a lot of people thought would be brought up at the last debate, but it wasn’t.  It was the old standby: Are you better off now than you were four years ago?  Should that come up Thursday night, how would you respond?
Biden: That’s easy.  We can stand on our record.  Are things bad now?  Yeah.  Is the middle class buried? Yeah.  Are there 23 million unemployed and 47 millions on food stamps? Yeah.  But here’s the thing.  Had we not brought hope and change four years ago, it would be much, much worse.  You’ve seen that movie 2012?  That’s what I’m talking about.  Barrak quieted the oceans, quelled the earthquakes, staved off worldwide economic collapse and prevented Armageddon, all in just four years.  I probably shouldn’t be saying this.  It would embarrass him for you to hear it.  He’s just such a sweet, humble man.  But you know why Barrak was so out of sorts during the debate.  He was exhausted.  Spent.  He’d been up all night locked in deadly, mortal combat with Mictlantecuhtli, the Mayan God of Death.  The Mayan end of the world.  He stopped it.  So yeah, things aren’t perfect, but thanks to our dear leader, the 23 million unemployed are still eating their government food and breathing their government air rather than being consumed in a Mayan Apocalypse.  They aren’t literally buried as the earth rose up to engulf them.  That is what people are forgetting.  Things would have been so much worse.  I think we should all start counting our blessings and get in line to support our dear leader. 
NP: Well, interesting ending to an interesting discussion. That is all the time we have today, and that was Joe Biden.  I must say I am really looking forward to seeing your plans for the debate come to fruition. 
Biden: I’ll do my best.

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