Wednesday, October 3, 2012

State Department Leaks: Osama's Diary Continued

For those of you who were paying attention, I think we have elucidated the author of the terrorist's daily journal, parts of which my man in the State Department was able to liberate, and it appears to be the big man himself.  I'll be leaking the pages out as soon as I can get them translated, so we can get a glimpse inside the man behind the terror.

Here is the what I have so far.

November 15, 2006
Dear Diary,
Been going over the Q4 expense reports, and we almost spent more on inkjet cartridges than on ammonium nitrate. It’s all those lengthy “I’m proud of your little martyr” letters I was sending to parents in Europe. I hate cold form letters.  I try and keep them personal, which seems like the least I can do, but it seems to be a financial necessity now. Besides, I know nothing about that last clutch of retards. I’m thinking about switching to the following short form letter.
The _Al-Fatima____ Family:

Peace in Allah be to you.  It is with great pride and joy that I send you tidings of your son's martyrdom.  Enclosed is a disposable, microwave-safe Tupperware bowl containing the holy remains of your little martyr __Habib_________.  Your martyr is in the one with the blue lid.  Please do not confuse it with the red-lidded one containing a complimentary funeral goat casserole.  While we will all surely miss his Sammy Davis Jr. Impression______, his ___goat yodeling___ and his  __that other endearing thing he does__, we know that he is now gamboling in paradise and experiencing his first blissful touch from a female of his own kind.  In exchange for your martyr’s holy sacrifice, please enjoy this coupon for buy one get one free Jamba Juice (Not valid at all locations.  Please check the back for participating restaurants).
In the Name of Allah and His Prophet,
Osama bin Laden

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