Friday, November 23, 2012

Rules of Engagement

There is clear evidence the intelligence community was aware the attack on the Benghazi consulate was a terrorist attack almost immediately, but White House officials cleansed such thinking from the reports before making public announcements.  Further digging has also uncovered that the military on site had been taking the threats of terror seriously and wanted the Pentagon to approve changes to the Rules of Engagement to help them be able to better defend themselves.  These pleas were also cleansed from the record, but our sources have revealed the proposed new rules. Here they are.

You are authorized to use lethal force when:

·         You have an itchy trigger finger.

·         Someone is shooting another Twilight sequel.

·         Someone is watching or reading another Twilight sequel.

·         Someone looks swarthy.

·         You see a camel spider.

·         They just won’t stop humming that Willow Smith song.

·         Someone refuses the offering of bacon.

·         Someone disrespects the Holy Bible.

·         Dang solicitors.

·         Your gun is loaded.

·         You’re pretty sure there are no security cameras rolling.

·         Heck, they were only foreigners.

·         Heck, they were only reporters.

·         Heck, they were only Senators.

·         Some young whipper snapper gets on your lawn.Even though the science is settled (unless you are a flat-earther or a racist or a shill for Big Wind or Burning Man), there are many who wish to embrace an oil-averse life style. For those of you unwilling to sacrifice your hybrid vehicles or your sweaters, or for those of you who wish to walk everywhere and utilize solar and wind power, shame on you. However, there is a way for you to assuage the guilt of your environmental impact. To really feel good about yourself again, we are offering the purchase of 'oil credits.' For the mere price of $200/month, one may continue to live the full hippy experience, guilt-free. For those more concerned about the environment, those willing to sacrifice their lifestyle choices for the sake of Mother Earth, less expensive packages are available. To purchase oil credits send payment to:

The S.I.D.D.O.W.A.Y Foundation
The Van Under the Overpass Down by the River
Farmington, Utah 84025

Or transfer the donation directly to our account in the Cayman Islands. Call 011-8999-86754-28374, and ask for Guido.

Oil credits make great Christmas gifts. You and those you love do love the environment, don't you?

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