Monday, December 17, 2012

Rice, I Hardly Knew Thee

Turns out Susan Rice has decided to withdraw herself from the nomination process for Secretary of State.  My man in State has leaked us the real reasons why she is backing out of the proceedings.
·         She withdrew due to an offensive Youtube video maligning brown rice.
·         Obama had her poodle, little Fluffernutter.  To show he was serious, he’d sent her a piece of fur dipped in barbeque sauce with a note saying, “One bite down…..”
·         Her talking points told her to.
·         She realized she could make more money on the conspiracy theory talk show circuit.
·         She was all out of lies.
·         She was afraid the investigation into her life would uncover her recreational abuse of prescription laxatives.
·         Witnesses had come forward willing to testify that she had sexually harassed Clarence Thomas.
·         She realized that the Republicans were right, and she really would be better off staying in the kitchen.
·         Obama was still furious with her. The victory brownies she baked for him after the election were completely choom-free.
·         She realized that her resume was clearly lacking in the secretarial skills she would need to be Secretary of State.
·         She was afraid the investigation into her life would reveal the fact that she was really a retarded white man in disguise, and she’d spent her life scamming affirmative action programs.
·         She realized the increased salary of the position would push her into a higher tax bracket, and the marginal tax rate was just too high to justify changing jobs.
·         There was just enough room for her under the bus.