Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Definitely Not Lollipop Chainsaw

Not even a blind psychotic would mistake me for Juliet Starling. In fact, I'm only aware of the character because I know who Jessica Nigri is.  Said psychotic would have to be both blind and deaf in order to confuse us - or, perhaps, a federal bureaucrat.

Now I don't personally know Ms. Nigri - we've never met - but I'm going to make a broad guess and assume that since she's uber-popular on the Comicon-and-related scene, and landed the "Lollipop Chainsaw" representation gig, it is very likely that (broadly defined), pay-grade-wise we're both considered "middle-class Americans". We share the same language, we're both Caucasians, and long ago (in my youth), I too was a natural blonde. The resemblance ends there.  I'm a middle-aged somewhat overweight male, and father of two. I've never been a media star, nor at this stage in my life would I want to be.

Do the bureaucrats care?  Of course not! 

That's the problem with leftist one-size-fits-all solutions, like welfare or Obamacare.  OK, actually that's not "THE" problem, that's just "A" problem.  "THE" problem is that the programs exist at all. They're evil. They have pandemic society-wide horrifying impacts. But while these programs are in place, a "sub-problem", if you will, is that in reality no one size fits all. Especially when it comes to healthcare.

Now whether we're talking "animated" (Juliet Starling), or "live" (Jessica Nigri as Juliet Starling), the main character in Lollipop Chainsaw is pretty much the picture of geek-fantasy exaggerated blond and bubbly female good health.  It would be safe to assume that hers and my particular health needs in any given time-frame do not align.  But under Obamacare, with the exception of my utter lack of any need for 1st-Amendment-violating coverage-mandated abortifacients, we're basically treated as the same type of person. I assume that in a government database somewhere our classification is "proletariat".

But speaking of pandemic society-wide horrifying issues, and solutions to them, I like Juliet Starling's approach.  Now please don't take this as an endorsement of "Lollipop Chainsaw", it isn't. I've never even played the game (although the cinematic "cutscenes" have been posted toYouTube - Note: This is not, I repeat, NOT family friendly). But I sure would like to have that kind of chainsaw.

If I had a custom chainsaw, it wouldn't have cute little hearts as part of its structural design. It would have  silhouettes of guns, skull-&-crossbones, and the outline of Texas. If I'm ever elected to high office, I'll have one custom made that's engraved with the Bill of Rights.

Anyways, I had a lot of time to think about this sort of thing this past weekend and yesterday, when I was outside working in the cold for hours on end, finishing the job of cutting down one of my 12,000 gallon tanks into a 2,350 tank, with improper tools. 

It helped pass the time to imagine I was cutting out parts of the federal budget...
National Endowment for the Arts - Begone! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZaaaa!  
Green Energy Loans - Have At Thee!  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRZZZZZZZZing! 

The tank fought back, and was not easy to subdue.  I really could have used that chainsaw. And of course had Jessica Nigri come along with it, she would have brightened up the otherwise dreary scenery.  But I'm a happily married man and she probably would have been booked for some New Years Eve cosplay she'd have to race off to, so the story would have ended there and without an action sequence.

But as the twilight gloom settled in, and distant coyotes started to howl (really, they do that here), I felt something cold upon the wind. Might it be the icy breath of zombies? Would I perhaps be called upon to do battle with the undead minions of the Department of Health and Human Services?

Alas, no.

It was rain.

Happy New Years, everybody!

12,000 gallon Federal Bureaucratic Zombie Stand-In after the first few melees:

Final victory upon the field of battle:

1 comment:

  1. Freaking badass!! I want a superchainsaw too! Great work with the tools you do, have, BTW ;)