Chuck Hagel Reporting for Duty

My man in State has been able to get his hands on some more sensitive insider material.  He has an advance copy of Chuck Hagel’s new plans for his tenure as Secretary of Defense.  Reading them is like reading the work of a genius tactician, if the genius tactician had been educated with the current public school curriculum.  Take a gander.

·         Declare the United States, its territories, its embassies and its bases gun-free zones, thereby ensuring no US casualties ever.

·         Modernize training of the US fighting force.  Teach them to avoid hand-to-hand combat by urinating, vomiting or telling the assailant they are menstruating.  Begging and capitulation may also be effective.

·         Incorporate Michelle Obama’s nutrition recommendations into the mess halls and MREs.

·         Eliminate all scary assault rifles and high capacity clips from the military.

·         Roll out the new comprehensive battle strategy: Hide Behind the Jews.

·         Start research on the newest military technology, the love bomb.

·         Give Chevy the contract to convert all the military vehicles to eco-friendly electric.  One advantage to this is that half of the vehicles will suddenly burst into flames when the enemy least expects it.

·         Expand the Endangered Species Act to include all battlefields, requiring a full environmental impact assessment prior to any global military activity.

·         Instead of a ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ type of policy, just allow all gays in the military to design their own uniforms, encouraging the use of flamboyant colors and designs.  The uniform should really stand out in the crowd, unlike those drab camouflage outfits.

·         Replace that evil sounding Pentagon with the Ministry of Peace.

·         Ban prayer in the military, even in foxholes.

·         Place CNN, MSNBC and Al-Jazeera correspondents on all military planning committees to ensure full transparency.

·         Cut the budget by forcing all military personnel into the cheaper and superior Obamacare health plan rather than the current military coverage.

·         Finally put an end to that pesky Israel, bringing global peace, love and understanding.