Happy Progressive St. Valentine's Day

Well, the Progressives are taking over, so I guess I might as well get in line.  Better learn how to walk the walk.  I think I’ll start with Valentine’s Day.  Here are some ways I think we can all celebrate this holiday in a true Progressive fashion.  Enjoy!

·         Give your sweetheart a bouquet of flowers plucked from a rich guy’s yard.

·         Buy your sweetheart an extravagant gift by raiding your grandchildren’s piggy banks.

·         Limit your wine consumption to16 ounces in a recycled cup.

·         Don’t use environmentally harmful wrapping paper.  Wrap your gifts in reusable, homespun fabric woven from your own body hair.

·         Give your sweetheart a book of coupons for 50% off at Planned Parenthood.

·         Use only recycled condoms.

·         Let your nanny plan your celebration for you.

·         Select a romantic eatery that follows Michelle Obama’s dietary recommendations.

·         Give the other sex a try this year.

·         Buy only dark chocolates for your sweetheart, the only non-racist kind of chocolate.

·         Instead of celebrating, take the money you would have spent and give it to Obama, so he can put it to a better use.

·         Do what Chris Matthews does. Instead of Barry White, play highlights of Obama speeches during the evening to achieve maximum tingle.

·         Buy everything for your celebration using food stamps.

·         Refuse to pay the escort, claiming you have a right to her services.

·         Lobby the government to eliminate St. Valentine’s Day since it violates the separation of church and state.  At least change the name so it doesn’t reference a saint.  Maybe something like: Chocolates and Jewelry in Exchange for Some Lovin’ Day.