Obligatory St. Patrick's Day Post for Those of You Still Sober Enough to Retain Your Literacy

As the kids pinched my tush this morning for not wearing green on account of I don’t own any green clothing since I’m not a hippy, it reminded me that it was St. Patrick’s Day (actually, I remembered it was St. Patrick’s Day, but I just really like getting my tush pinched).  Here is some more fun stuff about St. Patrick’s Day.

·         When an Irish lad turns 16, he’s given his first pint of ale on St. Patrick’s Day.  It’s officially the first time he’s had alcohol since he was breast feeding.

·         St. Patrick was first credited with using the three-leafed shamrock to describe the Trinity to the Irish pagans around 436 AD.  However, it only really made sense to him as well when he was as drunk as his audience.

·         Of course, when he really got a buzz going, he started using the four-leafed shamrock to describe the various illicit pleasures he had heard reported regarding the goings on at Mistress O’Hoolahan’s brothel.  Hence, to this day, finding a four-leafed shamrock is associated with getting lucky.  When the Irish came to America, which is notoriously shamrock-free, the superstition got transferred to the clover.

·         Originally, the color blue was associated with the celebration of St. Patrick’s Day, but the official color was changed to green in the mid 1960’s as part of a marketing ploy surrounding the Shamrock Shake.  How much money changed hands between McDonald’s, the Irish Parliament and the Vatican is still a matter of controversy.

·         While St. Patrick is credited with giving a powerful sermon upon a hilltop which drove all of the snakes out of Ireland, the Irish were much more grateful to him for driving the all the bagpipes back to Scotland.

·         In Ireland, they traditionally celebrate St. Patrick’s Day by coming out in the streets, wearing green, fighting and drinking beer, which is a departure from their usual routine of staying inside, wearing green, fighting and drinking beer.

·         The pins, buttons and t-shirts with the slogan “Kiss me, I’m Irish” were primarily a public relations scheme to mask Ireland’s nationwide epidemic of chronic halitosis caused by the local cuisine.

·         While the practice has currently been force underground on the Emerald Isle, St. Patrick’s Day was traditionally celebrated by gambling a week’s wages on drunken toddler knife fights.

·         In the early days, the pagans used to descend upon Irish Christians celebrating St. Patrick’s Day and kidnap a bunch of virgins.  After their bonfire died down, they would tie their captives’ hands behind their backs and toss them barefoot onto the remains of the fire to watch them hop about on their toes in the hot embers.  Historians aren’t sure why, but the pagans referred to this spectacle as Riverdance.

This has been an excerpt from Uncle Sid's Guide to Homeschool Your Hellions.  Check it out.  It's only $5,99, and all the proceeds go to charity.