Thursday, April 4, 2013

Home Economics with Barack Obama

My man in State has done it again. President Obama has declared that April is the month to teach all our children how to balance a budget.  Toward that end he prepared some notes for an address he was planning on giving to some local middle school students about how to budget.  My man sneaked the file off of his teleprompter.  Here is the outline.
I’d like to speak with you all today from my lifelong experience dealing with economic and budgetary issues, and I hope you can all learn from my experience. Here are some tricks I have learned during my time in government that can help you balance your personal budgets:
·         It is alright to throw as many lavish parties and take as many exotic vacations as you wish, but make sure someone else pays for them.
·         Numbers add up more beautifully if you are high.  I do all my best budgeting on choom.
·         Money spent on green programs or invested in green companies never counts against your bottom line because they always pay off big.

·         Here is a simple yet profoundly existential approach.  If a budget doesn’t exist, does it really matter if you follow it? I haven’t had a budget for five years.  Spending has never been more robust, and I and everyone I know are thriving. 
·         If you want to buy something badly enough, a little hope and it will all balance out.  I could never have passed universal healthcare if I were concerned with making the line items add up.
·         There is no stigma in bankruptcy anymore.  Whole cities are doing it.
·         Did you know if you consistently spend more than you made, the economy would grow and your income would magically go up in the future?  It’s true.  I get a 3% raise every year, and heaven knows it can’t be based upon my performance or my frugality.
·         I have just one bit of business/investment advice for you: Meth, meth, meth.
·         If you have gone to a public school, no worries at all.  Your math skills will be inadequate for budgeting, and you can just trust that the dole the government sends you will suffice because we care and know what is best.
·         Counterfeiting and identity theft isn’t as hard as you would expect.
·         If you are gay, lesbian, black etc., no worries, rack up the debt.  Banks won’t dare to collect on their loans since it could be perceived as a hate crime.
·         Invest in a lockpick.  Anything you steal from the rich is covered by insurance anyway, so it’s a victimless crime.  This way I don’t have to garner the votes to raise their taxes.  Cuts out the middle man and all that bureaucratic overhead.  It’s ok. Robin Hood was right, you know.
·         Another budget advantage of Obamacare is that now grandma and grandpa will die early and you won’t have to spend their money keeping them alive and suffering, which means you get half your inheritance that much more quickly, so spend it now.  You can count on it being there. I won't take more than my fair share of it.
·         If all else fails, did you know you could get long term loans and bequeath them on your children and grandchildren?  It’s ok.  Every generation makes more money than the last, so they can afford it.  Haven't you sacrificed enough for them already?
Just follow these steps, children, and you can be as successful at managing your finances as I am.

1 comment:

  1. I guess that would make sense if you were on some serious Panama Red.