Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Why Does Kim Hate Us So?

It’s always been kind of a mystery to me why North Korea hates America so much.  I mean, that war was ages ago, and we nuked the Japanese, and they don’t even hate us too much anymore.  So I got my man in State to look into the secret archives and get the scoop on the real reasons Kim Jong Un wants us dead.  Here is what he discovered.
·         Obama’s dietary habits have distorted the market causing a steep rise in the price of dogmeat.
·         The President has gone on record regarding North Korea’s nuclear program saying, “Hey, I’m black.  Of course my missiles are bigger than yours”
·         Kim Jong Un is mad that Gangnam Style caught on in America, but his own Youtube dance video, Poofnam Style, only got 3 hits in the USA, and all three gave it thumbs down and comments full of frowny faces.
·         Kim Jong Un is still upset that his personal harem won’t give him the time of day since Rodman’s visit, and they have taken to calling him inchworm now.
·         He’s still mad about the Twilight movies.
·         Obama made fun of Kim Jong Un, saying his hair wasn’t as poofy as his father’s.
·         He’s so ronery, so ronery and sadry arone.
·         When Rodman visited, he and Kim Jong Un got twin tattoos.  Rodman got “Best Friends Forever” tattooed on his butt in Korean, and Kim Jong Un got the tattoo on his butt in English, but he recently found out that “I am a Douche Nozzle” doesn’t mean “Best Friends Forever” in English or Korean.
·         Ashley Judd wouldn’t return his calls because ‘his face is too puffy.'
·         It’s been nearly a month, and Dennis hasn’t called him back yet.  Should he text him twenty more times, or is that too needy?
·         He is concerned that Obama’s fiscal policy is going to result in a global economic collapse, and he can’t stand the thought of some other petty dictator causing a global collapse of any kind.  That’s his turf.
·         Obama declared Easter Cesar Chavez Day, but when is Kim Jong Un Day?
·         Obama sent him a Chevy Volt for his birthday.  It caught fire and burned down his garage, which officially wreaked more devestation than the nuclear bomb he tested.
·         He recently converted to Islam. The fact that he was unable to grow the required beard was frustrating and is making him irritable.
·         Last time he was slumming incognito in New York City, he couldn’t find a drink larger than 16 ounces.
·         Then on his return flight, the TSA pat down wasn’t nearly as satisfying as he had hoped, and the personnel manning the x-ray scanner were laughing hysterically.  They have taken to calling him inchworm now.
·         It’s that time of the month. Does he need a reason?

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