Friday, May 10, 2013

More Unsolicited Parenting Advice for Frank J

Well, since Frank’s baby still hasn’t arrived yet, I figured I might pass on some more of my parenting wisdom.  Here are some of the principles/techniques that have worked well for me.
·         When your kid won’t go to sleep and keeps crying out that he is afraid because there is a monster in his closet, don’t yell back, “Be quiet or it will hear you.” The kid won’t go to sleep, and it will only make your wife really irate.
·         Spend the time necessary to make sure your child develops a good relationship with each of your personalities.
·         Oddly enough, the use of shock collars to train your toddler is illegal in Idaho.
·         If you are white and adopt a black child, don’t use one of those child leashes.  People might get the wrong idea and think you are pining for the plantation.
·         If you want to get the child into television commercials or think he has a chance of working in Hollywood, better be safe and get him circumcised.
·         I would recommend not exposing your children to high levels of radiation of any kind.  At least, it didn’t give any of my offspring super powers.
·         Never tell your kids that you wish they would be more like the kids next door if you live next door to an abortion clinic.  It will give them a complex.
·         When raising your kids, always pretend to be a liberal progressive, so that when they rebel they will become perfect, little conservatives.
·         Let them know from a very early age that, as a matter of principle, you don’t negotiate with kidnappers.
·         Make sure to send all your kids to finishing school as soon as possible.  That makes them much more valuable on the black market.
·         The most important bit of advice I can offer from siring multiple children: keep the receipt and make sure you fully understand your hospital’s return policy. 
[Cross posted at IMAO]

No comments:

Post a Comment