Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Red Line Crossed: Administration Responds

(A.P.Y.L) Washington D.C. - Facing mounting evidence that the so-called "Red Line" has been crossed in Syria, indicating the use of chemical weapons by Syrian dictator Bashar Assad against his own people, the Obama administration had released a statement indicating exactly what the consequences of that action will be. Department of Homeland Security Undersecretary Roy G. Biv said, "Now that the red line has been crossed, we will take the appropriate action, which is to determine whether or not the red line has been crossed. If the evidence points to the fact that the red line has, in fact, been crossed, we will present that evidence to Congress and to the public to determine whether further evidence collection is warranted. If it is in fact warranted, then we will indeed collect it."

Further inquiry of Mr. Biv indicates that there are other lines that there are other lines that Assad had better not cross, lest there be more collection of evidence that lines have indeed been crossed. "We have an Orange Line, which would be the use of chemical weapons against women and children, a Yellow Line which would be the use of chemical weapons against his own troops, a Green Line, which would be the use of chemical weapons on troops of other nation, all the way up to a Violet Line, indicating a massive chemical attack by Syrian forces on a major U.S. city. which would of course, if crossed, require us to collect evidence supporting the fact that not only was the attack conducted by Syrian forces, but that it was, in fact, a major U.S. city. I mean, New York, okay, Chicago, okay, but then you get down to the questionable ones, like, 'Is Cleveland really a major city? Is Los Angeles, in fact, a U.S. city? Does anyone actually live in Detroit anymore? These are all factors for which we will need to gather evidence."

Asked what the response would be if the evidence did indeed point to an actual chemical attack by actual Syrian forces on an actual major U.S. city, Mr. Biv responded, "Well, then, we would collect more evidence that for sure, for sure, you know, you can never be too sure... But assuming it was irrefutable, we would take decisive action to garner international approval to take action. Which action would likely be the collection of more evidence. We don't want to go off half-cocked like that cowboy Bush."*

At the daily White House press briefing, Press Secretary Jay Carney said, "Of course the President takes these matters very serio... HEY LOOK! GAY BASKETBALL PLAYER!"

President Obama himself was unavailable for comment due to an early tee time.

In Syria, a spokesman for President Bashar Assad said simply, "Chemical weapons? We don't got no stinking chemical weapons. HEY LOOK! GAY BASKETBALL PLAYER!"

In the end, it looks unlikely that any concrete steps will be taken, or plans made until an attack is made on Washington itself, or at least until the President is interrupted in the middle of the back nine.

*Asked for a response, Former President George W. Bush said, "I resentify the insultification of my wjatchamabob. I'm gonna go nukular on that creep!"