Friday, May 24, 2013

Unnonymiss: Break the Silence

GFPPT: SpeakEasy

Have you ever been in a situation where you just didn't know what to say? Do you remember the sinking, apprehensive feeling that came over you as you struggled to find words? Do you remember how powerless you felt? Did you know that the number one phobia here in the United States is the Fear of Public Speaking? Understandably so. It can be scary. An estimated 75% of people experience some degree of anxiety about speaking to a crowd. 75%. This is an epidemic.  People in this country just don't know what to say and it's making them sick. Do you know how damaging this can be to a person's self esteem?  It also leads to stress, nausea and even panic. Such feelings can contribute to avoidance of school and/or job situtions where speaking is required. Many never know what to say to the popular kids. How can they fit in? Those afflicted are not able to think AND speak then they hem and haw and say stupid insensitive unfunny things. Then they are rejected.  They feel miserable and insecure. They cannot possibly be expected to reach their full potential in this debilitating state. But now there's hope - Government Funded Personal Portable Teleprompters.

These Government Funded Personal Portable Teleprompters (GFPPTs) will remove all apprehension as they will give the wearer exactly the right words to speak at the precise time they are needed.  Simply click on the situational program of your choice, and all of the perfect words will be yours. No more people will be fated to be awkward introverts.  No more people will be doomed to low paying, unfulfilling jobs because of being bashful. With Government Funded Personal Portable Teleprompters, everybody can be friends with the popular kids. All will have their fair share.  The playing field between the confident and the nervous will finally be level.

An unfortunate man with an acute case of Teleprompter Deficiency Syndrome (TDS) was recently in the news.  He was experiencing his natural fear of public speaking and had an uncontrollable impulse to procure a teleprompter to alleviate his distress.  How can anyone blame him? I mean, doesn't our Constitution provide for freedom of speech?  He was only trying to attain the means to access this freedom. Of course, the GFPPT program had not yet been implemented, so this underprivileged man - - this man who had grown accustomed to unfair treatment and outright discrimination because of his TDS - - this hopeless man was forced to resort to desperate measures.  He attempted to obtain a personal teleprompter from a person of privilege in an unauthorized, previously undocumented manner. And how was this obvious victim treated by the conservative courts? For only trying to fill his obvious need, he was sentenced to 7 years in prison. Seven long years. If he had been given a GFPPT, this would never have occurred...and we'd be saving thousands in court, prison and rehabilitation costs.

Yes, GFPPTS are associated with a substantial upfront cost, but how can one put a pricetag on the well-being of Americans?? How can one quantify the benefit of transforming awkward, nerdy introverts into articulate, charismatic crowd-pleasers? Sure, another government program will drive our nation closer to the brink of economic collapse, but think how much better the apocalypse will be if everyone can be confident in saying exactly what they feel. Call your representative today and tell her (or him) to end the tragedy of TDS by supporting this remarkable GFPPT program.  We'll all speak easier.



  1. If we can save just ONE child from experiencing the anguish associated with TDS, it will be worth it.

  2. Off-topic Bacon to... oops, sorry, wrong blog.

    Anyway, Unny, gotta say that's the best PSA since Sally Struthers pimped for ICS:

    1. Thanks, Harvey! So, when are we getting together? :)

  3. Great program. Needs a better moniker. I would suggest "SpeakEasy".


    1. I appreciate your support, burt. Clever idea.

      I'm gonna use it as the caption for the pic.

      Uncookies to burt!